Hornyhandmetaphors - Untitled

There's a reason why Hobie "Professional Instigator" Brown, and Pavitr "Ohh he does not know about Hobie" Prabhakar are besties, and it's because they're both messy as hell

Everyday it feels like there is just a chant in my head that goes “love me love me love me love me love me” and it is so CRINGE I want to collapse into the abyss 

grief ramble

I think about her and how she felt before she decided to die and I can only run around in circles until I am dizzy with it when I think about how she replied to me before ending it. Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't she put me on the phone? I would've answered. I would've picked up on the second ring as I always do.

I feel like less of a person without her. She was my family. She was closer to me than my own sister. We vowed to get out of our family together. We were going to grow old together. Sending TikToks back and forth captioned "us in 50 years" and sharing half-made plans of travel.

Our last sleepover she laughed so hard I thought she were going to pee herself. We shared a bed like we were little again and I woke up with her elbows in my spine as she always ended up.

I think about how she didn't want to bother me with her decision. I wish she did. I grieve her and I want the time we could've had. I would take her resentment and hate if it meant she was here and not dead.

I've been thinking about my cousin lately. She killed herself in December and she was someone I thought I would get to grow old together with. It feels strange that I have to divide my time from before and after her. I haven't told some of my friends because as little as they know about her there is a version of her still alive in their minds. One day they will ask me how she is and I'll have to tell them the news, but until that day she is alive. She is alive and she is trying to push me off the slide.

On the journey to getting better but I am gonna complain about it the whole way through 

pioneering something called "gritted teeth optimism" where everything is gonna turn out okay even if i have to bite and claw and gnash my way through it

u don’t like pgion? 🐦? coo coo?

i'm going to listen to the album of the artist you like even though he's not really my vibe. i'm going to read the book you suggested even though it's not a genre i usually enjoy. i'll watch the show. i will try the recipe. i will play the video game, or at least watch a deep-dive youtube explaining the really-long lore so i have some idea of what's happening. the movie you suggested is too scary for me, but - i mean, the wikipedia page is kind of interesting - look at the length of the section Controversy.

this is not a burden. i think maybe "burden" and "love" might be oppositional, the way sometimes "love" and "hate" are not opposites. a burden is a dragging. i love you because you brought me to the water, and it is the horizon of your heart. i love you because of your nervous pacing around the edges of the rabbit hole.

often you are right. some songs on that album remind me of the spark in your eyes. the book was really thought-provoking.

more i just want to understand enough that you can talk to me. that you can explain, in depth, why it matters that wheat has shallow roots. i love you, even platonically - your love of this thing leaks into me. i watch you, cautious and dancing, the shy desire for you to smear the colors of this thing into my life, too.

they are your colors, though. of course i want them here, in the marginalia of my life. you matter to me. i want them to crowd the little moments of my day. i want your fingerprints scattered throughout the rooms of my heart.

one time i spent about six months reading and researching a particular author, just so i could talk to one of my friends about him. i never got the chance. she betrayed me, broke my trust, and sided with her abusive ex-boyfriend. standing in the sodden floodplain of what she left over, some bitter part of me asked - isn't that tragic? you have all this knowledge and nothing to do with it.

but i did have all that knowledge, though. when i reach for it, i still feel it glow.

"Who Is Superman? A Private Interview with Lois Lane" a fancomic about hope and connection. I've had this story in mind for so long and I'm very excited to be able to share it at last. Thank you for reading, and happy Lunar New Year!