TW Sleep Deprivation, Derealisation, Depersonalisation, Hallucinations, Suicidal Thoughts
TW sleep deprivation, derealisation, depersonalisation, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts
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Can we talk about the effects of spending all of your formative years dealing with chronic pain? About what comes with it besides "just" the pain?
I used to routinely go days without sleeping. And I don't mean the way some people say they "didn't sleep at all last night" when actually they did sleep 2 hours. I mean no sleep at all for 3-4 ish days, I'm not sure bc my memories from that time are fuzzy (wonder why). The pain kept me up night after night. And it wasn't until the overwhelming urge to sleep finally won over the pain that I would be able to sleep.
Do you know what happens when you go without sleep for too long?
At first, you're just more tired than usual, it gets harder to concentrate, you get snappy easier. Then it'll feel like everything is too loud or slightly shushed like you're in a bubble, it's hard to focus your eyes properly, the ground and the walls get squiggly. Obviously, the pain you already have gets exponentially worse but also different, heavier.
If you are awake still, you'll start to have micro sleeps. That's when your brain shuts down briefly for a micro second while you're awake bc it fucking needs to sleep. Time feels weird, stretching and shrinking in on itself. It won't feel real. You won't feel real. You'll forget basic shit like your own name.
It varies from person to person how long you have to go without sleep before the visual and auditory hallucinations start. But if you're awake for long enough, they will start. Whispers of your name when you're alone, songs playing when there's no music on, shadow people in your peripheral vision.
Maybe you'll think about killing yourself just to make it stop. Maybe you don't even think killing yourself would mean death, but instead you belive you'll wake up and everything will be back to normal. Your ability to reason, to think logically will twist.
Eventually, the urge to sleep will be greater than the pain and finally you will get to rest.
I understand all too well why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
In what universe does experiencing this countless of times when you're a literal teenager not affect you when you're an adult. Even when it doesn't happen anymore bc of semi proper pain management and meds to sleep. It haunts me. Still.
More Posts from Girlish-in-pain and Others
🌈 some soft things to stay alive for:
seeing a heart-shaped cloud
music you could fall asleep to
warm blankets straight from the dryer
gifts with a lot of thought in them
surprise breakfasts in bed
hot cups of cocoa when it’s cold
rainbows during a sun shower
cute artwork that you connect with
little hopes that come true
feeling safe with someone you love
taking care of a used plushie
yummy edible cookie dough
yes, doctors suck, but also "the medical ethics and patient interaction training doctors receive reinforces ableism" and "the hyper competitive medical school application process roots out the poor, the disabled, and those who would diversify the field" and "anti-establishment sentiment gets applications rejected and promotions requests denied, weeding out the doctors on our side" and "the gruesome nature of the job and the complete lack of mental health support for medical practitioners breeds apathy towards patients" and "insurance companies often define treatment solely on a cost-analysis basis" and "doctors take on such overwhelming student loan debt they have no choice but to pursue high paying jobs at the expense of their morals" are all also true
none of this absolves doctors of the truly horrendous things they say and do to patients, but it's important to acknowledge that rather than every doctor being coincidentally a bad person, there is something specific about this field and career path that gives rise to such high prevalence of ableist attitudes
and I WILL elaborate happily
me, every second of my life: but is it meaningful? but is it meaningful? but is it meaningful?
ur allowed to be sad/angry/scared/frustrated/bitter/etc about your physical disability btw. About not being able to do stuff u once could. About pain, fatigue, brain fog, other symptoms getting worse. About the loss.
U dont have to be an inspiration or be Tough about it all the time or even ever. Ur allowed to feel what u feel. Don't have to buy into "blessing in disguise" narrative. Don't have to go "well I'm not me without it" if thats not ur reality/experience. It's allowed to just suck and ur allowed to not want it and wish you didn't have it and wish there was a cure. Ur allowed to hate it and ur allowed to feel trapped in ur body.
You don't have to shut those feelings away and deny they exist just bc it's not how you "should be feeling".
[This is about physical disabilities specifically. If it resonates w/ u about a non physical disability that's great but please don't derail. Thank you 💛]
Hello please reblog this if you’re okay with people sending you random asks to get to know you better
time of year i remind every cane user to get an ice pick so you dont fall and die
"Are you good in bed?" No, I can't sleep.
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cautiousgoose liked this · 3 months ago -
girlish-in-pain reblogged this · 3 months ago
24, they/them, nonbinary lesbian, disabled. Studying medicine, working on my internalised ableism, prioritising finding out what I like to do. I write, ish, or try to at least and that's something
163 posts