Okay But Imagine For A Second

I am suddenly hyperfixating on Harry Potter? This was an unforeseen and unpleasant experience

I’m fighting off Demons (an unknown virus) so here are the Bats various home remedies/ how they behave when ill

Bruce: can’t stop won’t stop moving if I die I die ig? Illness is a mindset for himself. For his kids? Give him 3 hours he’s synthesizing a cure his babies will never be sick in his presence how dare you.

Dick: makes the most bomb lentil soup and also has about 90 million metric tons of ginger tea with lemon and honey. He saved a beekeeper early on as nightwing so he gets really high quality very nice ethically sourced honey that all the Batkids keep trying to steal. He does the R&R except he’s an acrobat so R&R is doing paperwork while on coms

Jason: Lazarus pit + a childhood running around in very unsanitary environments means he’s never sick. But when he is he always just assumes this is the end for him and he won’t wake up the next day bc he everything hurts. (He has literally been ill like 4 times in his life he doesn’t know what to do here) so he just kinda finds a corner to die in like your elderly pet and he wakes up fine after a few hours and he’s always surprised.

Cass: has never been sick will never be sick

Steph: Steph is on top of her shit, she has a whole ass gallon of soup delivered, pre portioned and frozen in microwave safe containers. She also has a drawer of various vitamins, cough drops and syrups. She doesn’t have time to lay around so she tries everything to get up and at em as quick as possible. Sadly due to this she ends up with like a really weak residual cough for a few weeks even if she got 99% better after 5 days

Tim: L+ ratio + no spleen + has to be put in a sterilized room for observation if he so much as coughs

Damian: steals Dicks lentil soup, Steph’s vitamin gummies and cuddles with his pets if he knows illness wont transmit to pets. Or if he’s feeling really bad he gets very cuddly with his brothers but only Dick and Jason because they both run very warm and he must steal the warm. But also he rlly only goes to Jason when he’s delirious and in pain because he just doesn’t want the teasing. Bruce he’s a sick Damian wrapped up in a bunch of blankets with his arms around dicks neck sleeping peacefully and gets violently Jealous.

Duke: goes to doctor, takes his meds, it’s the only thing he’s normal about. His parents taught him well he’s not gonna ignore that.

I need someone to wrap Donna Troy in a blanket and surround her with everyone that loves her and allow her to fit into her skin and find a sense of peace in knowing who she is <3

I also think she gets to punch Bruce Wayne in the face

Wally West and Roy Harper are both in love with Dick Grayson

Send tweet -oh shit this is the wrong website

I love when ACAB gets brought up in batfam fics and people dog on nightwing like this dumbass hasn’t been using the same technique since the 80s.

-the mob is bad… I’ll join them and ruin it inside out

-the cops are bad… I’ll join them and ruin the corrupt system

-spyral is bad …. I’ll join them and ruin it inside out

-the court of the owls is bad… I’ll join them and ruin it from the inside out

-deathstroke is bad …. I’ll raise his kids and ruin their relationship with him from the inside out.

-Aliens want to take over planet… this is bad… I’ll send someone to join them and ruin it from the inside out

Dick saw the BDP and went … yep the same routine I use for terrorists, spies, aliens and mobsters work.

AND YALL THINK DICK LIKES THE COPS?

Bro is just a professional cuckoo let him liveeeee

-

My friend claims it’s bc he’s such a huge feminist, has read all of the feminist literature books (he’s 6’4 btw)

So now bc he’s such a huge feminist he experiences periods so that he can t r u l y understand women (he’s 6’4 btw)

And I think that’s beautiful

they are eating all my brain cells

How I picture Brucie Wayne’s birth in the battinson universe.

8yr old Dick Grayson: so B I gotta ask

Battinson: hn

8yr old newly Robin Dick Grayson: do you really think that people don’t suspect the crazy Rich secluded billionaire who disappeared for years to be Batman and then takes in a child only for ‘I’m vengeance’ to appear with a child at the same time.

Battinson: hnnn

DG: nonono like no offense but like don’t you think it’s a little …obvious… like marvel movies exist..

Battinson: hnnn what do you propose I do then?

DG: duh you gotta make sure it’s impossible for you to be Batman

Battinson: hmm so I should plan an event where we are both spot-

DG: get drunk and swim in a fountain

Battinson: ???

DG: if Bruce Wayne is dumb he can’t be Batman

Battinson: Bruce Wayne is the head of one the most successful companies in the worl-

DG nodding along: yep all thanks to the amazing help he hired to do the work for him while he search for the cure to polio in the Sahara desert

Battinson: the polio vaccine already exists Dick

DG hand placed on forehead like a fainting damsel: oh it’s so sad about poor Brucie you know, dumb as a rock that one. Didn’t get an ounce of his parents intelligence thank god he got lucky enough that the people he surrounds himself with are loyal to his parents and aren’t stealing money from him.

Battinson: Robin I’m really not followi-

DG rolling his eyes and grabbing B’s face: I’m telling you to play himbo with heart of gold. If people think you’re sweet and pathetic, they’ll (A) underestimate you (B) not question why you disappear for months (C) pathetic good looking idiots get sympathy points.

Battinson: and how would you know this

DG who got adopted by a billionaire who won’t say no to anything he says bc puppy dog eyes: …….

Battinson: …fair point

DG: worlds greatest Detective he says

✨Incorrect quotes✨

(Except they are real conversations that I or my friends had).

Wally: I'm going to kill myself.

Dick: Same.

Wally: ... Figuratively speaking, right?

Dick: Literally.

Wally: I'm calling your therapist.

Dick: You don't know my therapist.

Wally: Well, I'm gonna find them and then call them!

Dick: What's life without a little of risk?

Donna: A longer life.

Dick: ...

Dick: Who needs to live so long?

Random Socialite: You are just like your dad (Bruce). His genes must be strong.

Literally any of the Wayne kids (minus Damian): I'm adopted.

Tim, after going back to drinking natural fruit juice instead of five cans of Monster: I feel nutritious.

Bruce, after being told how handsome Dick is by like five people; completely confident and proud: Yeah, he got it from me.

Dick: I'm literally adopted.

Dick: The only thing I got from you is an addiction to using expensive sheets.

Tim, listening to loud music, knowing Jason was there and wanting to annoy him:

Jason, completely fed up with the world: TURN OFF YOUR MUSIC IT'S TOO HOT OUTSIDE.

Tim:

Tim: And what the hell does that have to do with it??? *proceeds to turn up the volume*

Annoying math teacher: Okay, students, do your math...

Dick: Do we do it mentally or can we use the calculator?

Teacher: Do it mentally with the calculator.

Dick, and probably the rest of the class: ???

Tim: I slept for 14 hours and I'm still sleepy.

Jason: Wtf. And I thought that sleeping 10 hours was a lot.

Damian: I don't know how you sleep more than 8 hours, you are lazy.

Steph: Let them enjoy their sleep. I can't even sleep 6 hours because of college.

Cass: 4 hours. Take it or leave it.

Bruce: At least you sleep more than 2 hours.

Dick: What the fuck did sleep mean?

Tim: I failed the natural sciences exam.

Dick: How? You said it was one of the easiest subjects.

Tim: It is!

Dick: So?

Tim: ...

Tim: I put "solar ecosystem" on the exam.

Steph: When I was little, we had to sweep the classroom at school, and since I hated sweeping, I pretended I didn't know how to do it.

Steph: Then, a classmate who always wanted to be superior, made fun of me, grabbed the broom and started sweeping for me.

Steph: She stayed sweeping the whole recess and I was able to go out and play without doing anything.

Dick: I'm so fucking proud of you.

Duke: What are you doing on the floor?

Dick, overstimulated because there is too much shit going: Floor time.

Barbara: You're autistic.

Barbara: Artist, I mean. Sorry, the phone's autocorrect.

Dick: We are having a face-to-face conversation.

(This is a bit lost in English, but in Spanish the words are "artista" and "autista", and they sound and are written in a similar way.)

Tim: Can we go to the sun if we go at night?

Duke: I swear they told me you were smart.

Damian: Who lied to you that way?

Steph: Which Hogwarts house would you be?

Dick: According to the test, I'm a Hufflepuff.

Steph: I've seen you angry.

Dick: Have you ever seen an angry honey badger?

Steph: ... Good point.

Dick: I take pills, everyday, so that I don't kill myself. 🎶

Roy: I'm dragging you to the psychologist right now.

Dick: We need an adult.

Garth: We are adults.

Dick: Responsible adults.

Roy: Normally you are the responsible adult.

Dick:

Dick: How the fuck are we still alive?

I love Jason and dick being drinking buddies who love shit talking the rest of family but also

Sometimes

When I’m craving peak

I remember that their relationship is low key messyyyy

I mean from Jason’s side Dick is the ideal son who Bruce loves, Jason saw Bruce’s absolute grief when bludhaven was nuked as red hood. As Robin he was constantly and unfairly compared to Dick Grayson bc while Jason was great. He had a normal but sad ass life while being naturally gifted and brilliant, dick was training before he could crawl, Dick had never learned to stay still while also being naturally grifted and brilliant. Jason couldn’t do the things Dick could do at 12 bc dick had been training for 11 years by that point but neither he nor Bruce really gave himself that grace. Dick is proof of the concept of child heroes, while he is kinda like proof that children really shouldn’t be on the field. Dick became this well respected, important person. He got to grow from Robin whereas Jason is still burdened by his time in the pixie boots.

And from Dicks side? Dick got out, he LEFT Bruce’s shadow and when Bruce gave his mantle to some kid? He was nice about it! I mean he was too busy with his amazing girlfriend and his team to really become hung up on it! He gave the kid his number and his OG Robin suit and goes maybe we can form a relationship. And then the kid dies and Dick is destroyed, not only did his kid brother die, his kid brother DIED in HIS legacy. And the Jason comes back. Steals his suit, and begins killing people. Nearly gets Dick killed by the cops and spends so long trying to ruin Dicks solid reputation. Not only that? But in the suit father preformed in? With the name Clark Kent gave him??? One of the men he respects most in the world? WHICH he proceeds to do again?? With their Dead Dads costume? After all the SHIT he spewed about no one giving a damn about his death. About how Bruce and his crusade killed a child. And he goes and not only hurts Tim, the brother Dick worked SO hard to build a relationship with bc the last time he got out a Kid died. But also Damian, a literal 10 year old. Dick sends him to Arkham bc when he got sent to regular prison he killed hundreds of people? And sure now?? Jason’s working with the family sometimes? But if it was just a difference in morals Dick wouldn’t have that much of an issue? He’s friends with people who have differing moral codes! Hell he’s DATED people with different moral codes. But? Jason made their beef personal and now Dicks stuck with the knowledge that his younger brother DID a lot of that to HURT him specifically. Bruce was dead for a portion of this? Did that stop Jason from trying to ruin everything dicks ever believed in? Nope.

Like Dick has to exist knowing that he loves his brother and his brother very well could and would do what he did to him again.