Hi Sweet🖤

Calling a canon bisexual woman a lesbian becuase she has a female love interest or is in a wlw relationship is bisexual erasure and biphobic!!!!

The fact I give birth this month is scary

Like I have to push a whole ass child out of me

idk this seemed funnier in my head

THE GUYZ

y/n: Simon you're the meanest person I know 💀 the other day I asked you if I was pretty and you said "yeah. Pretty annoying" 😡

Ghost 💀: I was literally joking! How could you not tell

y/n: Keep 1 eye open tonight

Ghost 💀: What was that supposed to mean

y/n: 💀💀💀

Ghost 💀: OK THAT'S NOT FUNNY I'M LITERALLY GOING TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT AND LOOK AT THE DOOR

y/n: I'M JOKING GHOST

Ghost 💀: Well that joke wasn't fucking funny!

y/n: Bro you are like 6'4, you could overpower me in a heartbeat 💀

Ghost 💀: 6'6 actually, and height doesn't mean strength

y/n: You're just pure muscle I wanna be underneath

Gaz ✨: AYO WHAT???

Soap 🧼: ARE Y'ALL HEARING THIS

y/n: 🛐🛐🛐 < me at Ghost rn

When did fanfiction reviews get so critical? I remember 2014 when you could write 1,000 words in text speak and people would go, “omg ur soooo talented!!!!” But now you put your fully developed shit out and peeps go, “um excuse me, but your concept hasn’t been explored deeply enough.”

I’M SORRY WHAT

Reblog if you're bored and you want anons.

Or non-anons. Whatever works for you!

STOP!! 😭😭

I'm glad you like it though 🥰

@codnasties insipred me to write this. The original post here

Everyone thinks Soap needs a sweet little lass to you know, even out the feral mutt in him, but no. Soap wants someone like him. Someone who is just as disgustingly horny as him, someone who isn't afraid to stare, get handsy, an average Monday afternoon for Soap.

So when Soap found out his pretty neighbour was just as unashamed in staring as he was.... Well he had to use that to his advantage.

It was a Saturday morning, a rare day of peace for him. You went outside to have your coffee in the early morning breeze and just by chance Soap went outside to take the bin bags out it was one plastic bag with literally nothing in. He was shirtless, wearing grey joggers and no boxers. You got a full view of his thick, heavy cock and you stared. You didn't care if he saw you because if he didn't want you to stare then he wouldn't wear joggers with nothing else.

'G'mornin' Soap smirked but you paid no mind. Too busy watching his cock twitch and gods it was mouth watering.

You whined. WHINED. Slightly when Soap walked back inside. Abandoning your coffee, you went back inside and found which room he was in. Lucky for you he was in his bedroom and you could see everything from your bedroom. Again, you had no shame in staring and the smug bastard Soap is, smirked and pulled his joggers down slightly so you saw some bush and it made your knee's weak.

Oh 2 can play at this game

So the next morning, at exactly 7:30am you went outside to have your morning coffee but this time you wore the tiniest sleeping shorts you own and the tightest vest top you bought yesterday and waited. As soon as Soap walked outside with a little plastic bag again and just his grey joggers you quickly pushed your boobs together and leaned against your door.

'Mornin' Johnny' You purred his name so sweetly. Now this time it was Soaps turn to stare.

Unfortunately, or maybe not, for you Soap has absolutely zero restraint for his pretty neighbour. He's honestly so surprised he lasted this long but seeing you in the tiniest, tightest sleepwear had his cock twitching and getting hard. Soap hadn't even made it to you properly before his joggers were pulled down enough to show his beautiful cock. He pushed you inside before you manage to get onto your knees for him.

'Fuckin' tease' He groaned

I hope I did this justice. That image is now burned into my mind, in a good way. Love me some grey joggers

It won't let me attach the photo :'((( so again the original post and photo is here

I don't know if you're taking requests (You can ignore this if you're not)

I remember reading something (it was either on facebook or a twitter thread) about a guy who made a tinder account of his girlfriend to see how many likes/swipes she'd get

And boy he didn't realise how many men swiped right on her. I think within an hour she got like over 1000 (he was ready to buy his girlfriend a cow, a camel, diamond ring. Basically anything she wanted because he realised how lucky he actually was that she wanted him)

ANYWAY

I can't stop thinking about the cod men doing it. Like what would their reaction be??

I feel like Kyle would just shower you with gifts. Oh you glanced at that designer handbag, he's in that shop with his card out. He don't care about the price

lol this is such a funny premise! i wish i had seen the video!! here's my take, otherwise known as how to tease Gaz within an inch of his life.

Get Ratio'd

“What do you mean switch? I don’t wanna be on that bloody app in the first place, babe,” Kyle scrunched up his nose at your proposal, but you pressed him.

“C’mon! It’ll be a laugh. Just for fun, Gaz. Aren’t you the least bit curious?”

You had seen a viral video, and now you had an idea. There was a couple who had switched phones for the night to swipe through each other’s dating apps, just to see how many hits they’d get. The woman in the video seemed defeated after trying her best to dress up her man’s profile and not finding any matches, but the man looked like he was shell-shocked, and he told her they were deleting these apps right away. Experiment over. So, you were curious. You knew Gaz was a handsome man, so you were eager to see how you’d do. 

He peered down at you over his nose and sighed, handing you his phone. You sat on the couch together, downloading the apps, picking out pictures, making sure to set the settings to casual dates only. No need to trick people into thinking you were actually on the market. 

“I just don’t want you to get jealous, love,” he smiled, genuinely concerned, "I've been told I'm a handsome chap." You smiled back,

“No worries, babe.  I can take it.”

Finally, after everything was set up, you switched phones. The boys would be over in just a few minutes, and you were eager for all of the likes to start rolling in. 

“We should make ourselves a little wager, yeah?” You suggested, knowing Kyle wasn’t one to shy away from competition.

“Aye, alright. Most likes wins?”

“Nah, most messages. ‘Cause that takes guts. And we’ll stop after the football game.”

“You’re on,” he smiled, giving your butt a playful slap as you went to buzz the boys in from your front door. 

The match was on for a good twenty minutes before you even got your first notification. Your heart sank a little when it looked like a bot, some garbage about “You look lonely. I can fix that. Click here!” It wasn’t a real girl. You showed Kyle and he shrugged, 

“It counts. It’s a DM, innit?”

“Alright,” you said, trying to get a peek at his app.

He swiped the phone away from you,

“Ah-ah! No peekin’.”

“Oh, c’mon, babe. No one wants to do me?” You whined, pouting at him.

He snaked his arm around you, palming your arse in his wide hand, 

“I wanna do you, babe.”

“I know,” you giggled, raising your hips to give him more access, earning yourself a hard squeeze, “I just thought I still had it.”

“You definitely do, babe. This is just a toxic app. Don’t think about it.”

So, you put it out of your mind. You got exactly three more messages for the rest of the night. One girl sent a friendly “Hey!” with a smiley emoji, another sent a photo of herself doing a sort of duck lips thing in a low-cut top. Finally, you got one that said, “Is that your real name? Just want to make sure I’ll be screaming the right one later.”

You cackled, showing the boys. Soap laughed with you, his eyes wide at her sexy message, and Price gave you a good-natured eyeroll. The only thing Ghost said was,

“Has he showed you yours yet?”

You looked over at Gaz who was burning a hole through Ghost with his glare, and he shut off your phone screen and put it in his pocket. 

“No… why?” You asked.

“No reason,” Ghost retreated, drinking his beer and fixing his eyes back on the match. 

A few minutes later, you excused yourself to go to the bathroom, and then you lingered in the hallway, listening to the conversation happening between Gaz and his friends in your den. 

“Oh, mate,” Soap whispered none too quietly, “You are in fuckin’ trouble, ain’tcha?” 

“Shove off, Johnny. Help me figure out how to fuckin’ delete this,” Gaz hissed.

“Well, son,” Price didn’t even bother to lower his tone, sipping on his whiskey with a smile on his face, “You bloody well won your bet.”

“I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t think it would be this bad,” Gaz handed your phone over to Ghost who was gesturing for him to give it. 

Ghost read the message aloud,

“I could call you beautiful, but since beauty comes from within, I’ll just have to check for myself… Fuckin’ hell. That’s rank.”

Soap was looking over his shoulder, scrolling furiously, reading as he did,

“Your eyes are stunnin’. You’ve got beautiful eyes. Wow, your eyes are beautiful… like, c’mon mate, a little creativity?”

“You don’t want to read the creative ones,” Price warned, taking the phone from Ghost, reading his favorite, “Jus’ wonderin’ if I should respect the fuck outta you or fuck the respect out of you.” 

Gaz leaned back on the couch, exasperated,

“What am I gonna do? I gotta buy her one of those fuckin’ bags that cost as much as a goddamn Aston. She said she wanted to do Bora Bora, or was it Fiji? Maybe I can take her for her birthday? How much are tickets?”

“Mate, you’re cooked,” Soap muttered, then gasped, “Oh, Christ. Look at the size of this one's fuckin’ knob!”

“Help me book her a bloody spa day. Do you think she wants jewelry? Holy shite, this bloke just sent a screenshot of his bank account. What the fuck?”

“She’s already with you, mate,” Ghost shrugged, “What’s the bother?”

“He’s bothered ‘cause now he knows that,” Price grumbled, checking his watch, “...in under an hour, she could have a quarter of the population of London bangin’ down her door just to smell the inside of her bloody shoe. And he’d have…”

“A bot and two birds,” Gaz frowned, crossing his arms.

“A bot and two birds,” Price nodded, sipping his drink and turning back to the game. 

You wandered back into the room, plopping down beside Gaz, pretending you hadn’t heard the discussion that had just transpired. Gaz put an arm around you almost protectively, kissing your forehead,

“Hey, babes. What was the name of that spa you wanted to book? Thought we could go together this weekend.”

“Kyle,” you turned to him decisively, “Show me the texts.”

“No,” he shook his head, turning back to the game.

“Kyle,” you squeezed his thigh.

“No! You don’t need to see all that.”

“All what?”

“The one hundred eighty-seven messages that he —” Soap interrupted, but Gaz cut him off.

“Oy! Mate! Shut up.”

“Just show her,” Ghost rolled his eyes. 

“One hundred…” You were in shock, and as Gaz handed you your phone back, you scrolled through the mess that he had been hiding from you, “Oh, God…”

“Yeah…” Gaz sighed, “So, if you want that purse that the Kardashian whats-her-name had, just add it to the cart, alright? Jesus.”

You were shocked by the level of attention you had received, but when you saw the content, you had to stop yourself from dying with laughter,

“Not sure if I’m just hungry or if you truly are a snack. Either way I’ll eat you. Oh, no. Look at this one: My cock’s a rescue, wanna give it a good home? Wow… these are rough! How many dick pics did you get?”

“Too many,” Gaz shook his head. 

“Aww, baby,” you hugged his neck, teasing him, “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. None of these blokes is half as fit as you.” 

“Dinnae you see the fuckin’ knob on Fabio over here? He's askin' for your Venmo. I say you should send it.” Soap chuckled, shocked, flipping back to one of the profiles.

Gaz fought him back, snatching the phone, and you laughed with the others, shaking your head, 

“So… what was that you were saying about a handbag?”

After the laughter eventually died down and the boys had gone home, you helped Gaz clean up the kitchen. Then, you both deleted the app and returned your phones, glad to be done with your little experiment. You decided to tease your man just a little further, 

“Well, you won the wager. What’s your prize, love?”

You expected him to take the bait, to bend you over the counter and claim you possessively, using you to let out his frustration. But, he turned serious, his expression almost somber, and he kissed you softly, disarming you.

“You are my prize,” he purred, “And I’ll do anything to show you how lucky I am to have you.”

“Hmm… anything?” You smirked, tucking your hand into the waistband of his jeans and pulling him closer. 

Finally, that rakish grin you loved so dearly was back, spreading across his face, 

“Name your price, love.”

You pretended to think for a moment, letting your hands wander down into the warmth of his pants, palming his growing cock, playing with it and feeling it throb for you, then you winked at him, 

“I hear Tahiti is nice this time of year.”

He raked his hand down his face, but he was hiding a smile, groaning,

"Tahiti..." Then, after a breath, he snatched you, holding you in his arms, carrying you kicking and giggling to your bedroom, "C'mere, you. Tahiti can wait."

AO3 Link

Price??

my partner is only 40 but nestled within him is the soul of an elderly man

Swear to GOD!!!

If they don't let me romance old man Varrick I will actually cry

Fuck Shadow and Bone for making me simp over Ben Barnes again after forgetting about him for like 6 years