This Poem (?) Is About My Relationship With My Eating Disorder Through The Years So TRIGGER WARNING!

this poem (?) is about my relationship with my eating disorder through the years so TRIGGER WARNING! this is also the story on how I started recovery. have fun reading :)

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I only need your approval to live.

it's my food, it's my air.

I can never get enough, I guess if you starve yourself you get hungry for other things.

the number on the scale gets smaller and smaller while the hunger grows and grows.

I'm constantly running, chasing happieness, hoping I will find it in smaller clothes and sleepless nights.

Have you checked my thigh gap?

Maybe I will find it there.

Maybe I will never find it.

I know that if i keep searching for it I'll loose myself but what am I to absolution?

Do I even deserve it?

Am I pretty now?

Now that you can see my bones and the aching in my belly is all I can think about.

Is getting smaller the secret to becoming beautiful, becoming happy?

If so I'm prepared to become nothing if that means you will finally see me as enough.

why is your opinion so important to me?

you're just a tiny voice in my head, why should I listen to you?

Are you me? Am I you?

a part of me keeps fighting.

it defends me from your nasty insults, keeps telling me to just hold on, that i deserve to let you go.

But do I really?

You hurt so many people but you did it with my voice so the guilt is my burden to take.

You make me feel guilty about things that you did, say it's my fault that i told others about you and now they think the same way as I do.

Is it my fault?

I'm not sure.

you and me begann to blur, the tiny shimmer of hope that I will get rid of you dies and the need to listen to you, become you grows every day.

do I even want to keep fighting against you?

It's exhausting and going your way would be so much easier.

but then I think about the days when your voice is quiet, sometimes it wasn't even there and those memories show me that true happieness is only possible if you're gone.

so i keep fighting, keep talking against you.

I even got help.

Now i have people that listen to me, people who tell me that you're evil, that I should let you go.

but that's easier said than done.

you were my best friend, my compass in my darkest times but now i know that you were the reason the darkness kept growing.

I don't need you anymore and you're nothing without me.

Maybe you deserve to be nothing.