When The Neighbor's Cat Comes Running To Welcome You Home, Walks You To The Door, Then Tries To Come

Stop living life as if you are on a timeline.

There is not set deadline for success and achievements.

It is okay to wander and take the scenic route.

Life is not a straight line.

So my husband talked me into playing LotRO and... wow. What a pretty game for it's age and it's so chill and relaxed. I rolled an Elf Loremaster and character creation was pretty fun. Kind of wish FFXIV had a few sliders...

Anyway, I think it'll be my slow down and just enjoy the vibe game. I mean, I'm only level 6 but... you know.

"Autumn is my favorite season!" Everything proceeds to go wrong in Autumn.

and i give up.

i am stressed, i am anxious, i am depressed, and i am manic. i feel like since the end of October, everything has decided to just stop being good for me, personally. yes this is a first world problem, yes i'm going to whine about it because i just spent 20 minutes crying in the shower.

finances are getting tight for multiple reasons, and of course our bed breaks and then, on queue, the car needs a pricey fix that also means we cannot drive it as often or as far as we want.

i decide that i'll make my home a little better but just fixing it up! it'll benefit us and the landlord might appreciate it! i get prepped and then find out that we were told wrong and i cannot finish the work i started. great.

trying to get my outside time and enjoying the company of the neighbor's cat! chair suddenly crumbles under me and i topple off the side of the porch. ouch.

i gave up on trying to fix the keurig i was gifted last holiday because i just cannot get it to work.

my cats have terrible breath and i am really concerned about their teeth and health. they seem fine, but the bad breath is worrying.

all of my self-development work and my work toward helping my mental health just flew out the window at the start of the month because i just felt it in my gut that something bad was going to happen and everything did at once.

all i can do is cry. i feel helpless. i have no sense of control over anything. i can't do anything to fix it all. my therapist said she was proud of me, but i can't even feel proud of myself now. i'm giving up. i just don't know what to do anymore.

I would love to try art again, but I can't stop comparing myself to other artists. I know they have been doing it for years and if I did, I could get close to that level, but my brain says "if not good immediately, no." Ugh.

As I read through this book, I am confronted over and over again with my mistaken understandings of terms and with how I do not really know myself.

I have adopted beliefs about myself from outside sources and ascribed that those are who I am. I haven't ever really taken time to get to know me because I thought others would know me better. I know it is not too late in my life for me to figure myself out and learn about myself... so I think I will.

October will be a month about myself (and my marriage). I'll be offline during October and whatever posts will be what is left in my queue. If anyone wants to keep in touch through October, please privately message me so we can exchange Discord information.

Blessings to you guys. All my love.

"Remove shoulds from your vocabulary this year. Start your journey of self-love now." - Kelly Martin

This is all I can show from 2021, but I was nearly there.

Part of me still wants to really get into trying to use makeup, but I have oily skin and makeup feels very expensive, so I always talk myself out of it. I'm not even sure what all you need to have a proper kit?

Any tips?

Artwork by kyumei

It is December 26th, 2024 and I have fully filled two journals I've owned since at least 2019. From front to back they are filled with random things that crossed my mind, notes of my interests, and things I never felt safe to share.

I am proud of filling them. Proud they are no longer blank pages. Excited to start in the next.

I have learned so much about myself since I started my journey of self discovery and self love in September. I am such a unique, smart, and thoughtful individual, but I am sure everyone says that about themselves. There's so much I have to learn about myself and so much I want to accomplish. I have to work on how I set and approach goals, but that's a challenge I welcome.

I am starting to slowly understand myself and I am so excited to meet me.