You Think At Some Point You'll Figure Life Out. But It's Doesn't Happen. I've Been Waiting, Patiently,

Tired is not even enough to describe the way I feel now. There's emptiness, vastness of it inside me. Yet there's no room to breathe.

No space where my soul can rest and do a little stretch.

Years of existence has piled upon me and now there's hardly any room....for myself.

Days have turned to weeks and weeks to months.

The sparkle of life has quietened down and all that's left is a stubborn heart shaped hollow.

Once filled to the brim with hopes and dreams, now it lays stuck in the sand and long forgotten.

A fossil from the days when the sun used to be kind and the wind was fresh. When I used to be me.

Now? Now it's all a hallucination... Something I feel I used to have but not really...

I thought you'd turn back.

I thought you'd reach out for my hand.

I fell thinking you'd be there at the end.

But all that remained were ghosts of promises.

Perhaps I should've screamed harder,

when you left me there in the dark.

All I ever knew was your touch.

And all I ever did was wait for your return.

Silence lays above the trees.

But the storm within me rages on.

I need you to make me warm again.

A gentle touch of yours is enough to calm me.

Please don't go along now that you're free.

Every once in a while come by me.

Without your hot tears and quiet voice,

the bones in me are all lonely.

One by one they call out to you.

Letters of my name make up the loneliest number,

when you no longer whisper them at night.

Everything in this world has a place.

And more than often I feel like mine is beside you.

You tell me that you're loosing me a little bit each day.

How can I not feel lost, when you deny me of my home?

Where do I plant my heart, when you close the door to yours?

The worst battles of mine were about you, against myself,

being forever torn between wanting to stay and run away.

But as dawn approaches and the sun rises again,

I loose yet another fight.

I hope one day you can finally see me beside you.

One day, you will know that I've always been there.

That I never left, and never will.

I don't really know how to say this, but here goes. All I want in a medical/hospital type of drama show is for one (1) woman to choose herself over her unborn baby, just once.

Out of the maybe hundreds or more pregnant women we see in these shows, who come in after being in an accident or suffering from an illness or some sort of complication or I don't know what, I just want a single solitary woman who, when faced with the choice of risking or maybe even ending her life for the sake of getting the pregnancy to term or terminating the pregnancy to save herself, will choose the second option.

I know. I know how important carrying a child can be, how hard some need to work just to get pregnant, how hopeful and happy it makes them, how important it is and how devastatingly painful and crushing it can be to lose it. But this constant emphasis on self sacrifice for the sake of unborn children, the very obsession with the idea of birth, with a woman's "purpose" to give birth, of the implications and hinting that creating a family can or should only be achieved through pregnancy - it's A Problem.

I just want to see one woman. Just one. One woman who is sad and heartbroken at her diagnosis, but makes it clear she wants to live. She wants to survive, even if her baby won't. That if there is a choice to make, she is the more important one. She should be the one they save. Just one woman, who, when faced with the possibility of never being able to have another child, says "well that's a shame. But I always wanted to adopt anyway so I guess I'll start sooner than I thought". One woman who is okay with never having a baby, because while it was a happy occasion, it's not the only good thing in her life and not the only way for her to define herself. One woman who is more excited at the prospect of being a full-time aunt, because she already has all the children she could ever want, even if they are not "hers". Maybe even one, just one woman, who blatantly and with no regret says "you know what? It's not important enough for me to die for. Thanks but I want to live".

I just want one.

I've described you in every way that I can.

You are the moon and the stars,

in the horizon that I am.

The river's brilliant blue water,

is how I picture you in my mind.

Sweet tea in the evenings,

bears the same comfort of your voice.

Feathers in my dreamcatcher are beautiful and soft,

yet cannot compare with your touch.

Kindness is what your heart is made of,

and know I need it the most.

I have pictured you in every way that I can.

From the chocolate melting in my hands,

to the melodious song of the sirens at sea,

everything somehow fits my description of you.

Hauntingly beautiful is the phrase that fits you perfect.

For you never leave my dreams,

and you're always there in my wake.

I feel like when I cry behind closed door,

you become the breeze through the window.

Sun kisses on babies are what you feel like,

too good to be true yet somehow always real.

I haven't seen you yet.

We haven't met each other here.

And I don't even know if you exist out of my head.

But when I close my eyes and imagine being with you,

I swear I could hear your laugh in my bones.

Ricocheting off the walls in my head,

and slowly singing me too sleep.

© Moonyloonywitch

31/07/2021

12:16 pm

Hold me close and sing softly about starry nights and fairy lights.

I feel really ill and all I want to do is fall asleep in your arms

Sometimes you meet someone.

And suddenly all your poems are about them.

I am tired of writing about you.

But I can't seem to write about anything else.

I can't make you perfect, because you're not.

Yet all the lines I have ever written are full of love.

For you, I guess.

Because ever since we met,

my heart has always spoken your name.

In whispers, and then as songs.

Now in paintings and poems,

your existence sprawls across the walls of my house.

I only realised that it was love,

when pastel yellows became too beautiful to ignore.

Stupid thing love,

making me wait and hope,

when all this time you never were here.

I feel like I am inside a snow globe,

enchanted to stay a happy sight forever.

But deep within the walls of my heart and soul,

the winter of your absence has turned an ugly grey.

The snow no longer pure and white,

but tinted with the fading colours of my heartbreak,

and the lost yellows of your smile.

splinters of infinity.

i wish you could see through my kaleidoscopic eyes; my skies are forever echoing your light. at first light, my tongue salivated for you. you stirred something in me, like falling for a poem at first verse. the heart is delicate in matters like this; heart-strings fraying from carrying an immense weight. i know how supple your verses are, that was given but what spurred me was how gently words blossomed on your tongue; you’d envelop the night with whispers of warmth. sometimes i’m convinced you’re celestial, the moons in your eyes seem to suggest so.   my tongue knows you by name, but the heart knows you by poetry. by one a.m. the night starts to settle in sleepy serenades. the moon is a burning ember we extinguished hours ago so we swallow the stars instead becoming starlit by our own premise. tidal silence; in waves came conversations that we peered into one another’s soul, other times we sat there simmering peacefully in the sounds of nighttime in downtown.   i think of your hands – still, wanting to lock my fingers between the gap in yours. perhaps i look fondly upon them since i know your mothers used hers to be destructive, and you’ve only used yours to be creative, nurturing, gentle, and soft. you could do a better job at kneading words into poetry.   we are verses tangled in the cosmos.

Take my hand and run away for a while.

Let's travel the world in a blink,

and land on the moon for a snack.

Perhaps Mars would be a good spot,

to plant a tree or a flower.

Then come back to the Earth,

and dive deep into oceans without a care.

Resurface on Pluto,

and scream "we love you boo".

Saturn's rings shall be perfect for a game or two,

jumping up and down to avoid the asteroids.

Pinch a tiny slice of Neptune,

and call it the new blue mould.

Sing a song into the void,

until it sings back with a laugh.

Stars shall be the last stop for today,

where we'll check for Peter Pan and Alice.

An then build a hammock between the arms of Orion,

giggling as he rolls his starry eyes.

As dawn creeps up on us,

the adventures come to an end.

I'll drop you off at your roof,

then go back to my tomb.

Morning comes and you wake up,

with a happy dream and a wide smile.

It all started when we first met,

that day in the forest at noon.

From passing strangers to forever friends,

our adventures shall go on without an end.

© Moonyloonywitch

02/08/2021

7:37 pm

Do you know how it feels to hold your happiness in your hands and watch it swirl there in a pool of golden light before the night comes and snatches it away from your bleeding hands only to leave you wondering why it suddenly feels like your throat is burning when all you ever did was take a sip from your lover's lips ?