Everyone Around Me: Stop Doing Stupid Shit Me: No Im Sad

19th september, monday.

she doesn't know it yet -- but this is not going to be her week. monday. an iffy day in general according to popular opinion. perhaps not now, when far from the blues and closer to warmth that feels like summer ; LA. that reasoning lasts for a while ... only a while.

right before recording a performance for a tv segment she is nudged aside by the manager. eyes flickering up to catch sight of his face - then and there, without a word, jennie recognizes this is bad.

what's wrong..? her words go by ignored, a refusal for any sort of explanation or even response until they reach the group's makeup room which has been abandoned by the others.

i haven't done anything, i promise--

interrupted.

they have all your photos.

...all?

disbelief. perhaps she is playing dumb, or simply unable to imagine how fucking bad it is.

the way in which his hand leaves her shoulder is anything but reassuring, yet she stares up at him -- as if she cannot risk blinking in fear of what might come next. ( but no way she could hear wrong on this one ) he is only 4 years older than her, a close friend after the many travels and issues dealt with together. thus, the carefulness in the moment is somehow scaring her more than occasionally being lectured, and he is so visibly uncomfortable, more than jennie ; understandable as her gaze remains locked on him and ........

jennie. they're leaking your nudes..

while he still avoids meeting her eyes there is something so sad in how his voice is filled with nothing but defeat once uttering those words out loud. her name itself spoken almost like an apology. in that second jennie fails to comprehend this is about her, and it feels easier to focus on the concern for her own manager rather than grasp the reality.

reality hits hard when alone a few hours later.

somewhere between then and getting the news, jennie had slept, cried, deleted her private social media accounts, changed passwords. had ignored her mother's phone calls, all five of them. alongside the spam of concerned texts. ( the vision of her father never talking to her again after this got her too ashamed to. )

jennie is mourning the death of the image had -- knowing it will never be the same now, the internet never forgets. those pictures meant only for the love of her life, and no one else. but she cannot reach out to him now, and that is where the stress sets in. how do you rely on anyone now that your mistakes are for the whole world to see? she misses him. wouldn't he have told her that they could run away, find a spot where no one recognizes them? bring her wine, or food? walk through empty streets with his arm pressed against hers on nights when sleep was scared off by anxiety?

it was an easier time when relying on him, but that was then. nothing lasts forever - life so harshly teaches her time and time again.

in the unholy hours of the night jennie leaves the rented LA villa. hints of smeared mascara that has been covered up by makeup, phone on do not disturb. she plans to get in trouble, just to feel something else.

“i think the beauty of nature is something that cannot be replaced. not only from the blue scenery you take in by your eyes, but also from the sound you hear once you step on snow, and that feeling of crisp air. (in moments like those) i feel like everything in me is healing by itself. i got energized by nature and made myself a promise for the new year.” 

Q. what was your promise? february is a good time to make some late new year’s resolutions.

‘let’s put more time towards a healthy body and mind.’ that’s my priority for this year. in terms of work, i also have the desire to show more of my growth than last year. but above all i want to see fans and meet them in person as soon as possible.

Q. in life there’s things that cannot be solved even if trying to. sometimes it feels hopeless / like it’s out of your hands, how does jennie handle such a situation?

even in such a situation i tend to do my utmost and try my very hardest, so i don’t have any regrets. if i can’t solve it after doing everything in my power then i have to put significance into my efforts and the process itself, and accept the outcome. even if i can’t just forget it like nothing happened.

Q. is there a specific moment that makes you realize ‘i value this person and we’re really close’? explain jennie’s way of expressing affection

i tend to be very shy. but when i’ve gotten to know somebody we naturally joke around a lot! i also become very attentive and dedicate myself to taking care of them, and generously try to shower them in my affection.

Q. do you agree with the saying that ‘life is short’? time can pass by quickly yet it can also flow slowly

normally the saying ‘life is short’ didn’t resonate with me. but when suddenly entering into 2022 i thought time had been going by really fast. i guess that’s why i keep making promises/goals for myself ; i should do my best so i can live every moment without regret.

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jenrubyjane

03.03 / 16:13kst

blinks 🤍 i’m writing this post just in case you guys might get surprised. while taking this small break i’ve been looking after my health, eaten well and slept but while i was exercising, i took a wrong step and fell down and got a small injury on my face 🥺 i hoped it’d heal quickly so that you wouldn’t worry, but it’s still in the process of recovering so i think i’m going to have a band-aid on my face for a while. even if i look dumb, please understand ☺️ i want to put on a good show for everyone and i’m sorry. promise i’ll get better soon so don’t worry, see you soon.

03.03 / 16:19kst

you reallyreally don’t need to worry ☺️

03.03 / 16:24kst

that’s why… i can’t really take much pictures these days and i’m getting treatment everyday 🤦‍♀️ i’m sorry blinks 🤕🤕🤕

03.03 / 16:25kst

but now that i’ve told you i’ll try to take pictures even with the band-aid on 🙊🙊🙊

Tender is the night For a broken heart Who will dry your eyes When it falls apart?

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25th may, 2022. 22:11.

it’s cloudy. the summer-air outside hot and stuffy, but inside the ventilated apartment she covers up in a cropped cardigan for extra warmth. air always clean, easy to breathe, dogs playing with each other and it’s like she is 14 again.

if ignoring how it has been a month since her last dinner at home, and how it hadn’t precisely gone well. that time over a hair color and the rumors carried home after coachella. now? she’s called into the living room by her father, somehow a similarity with how she got called into the office at the company building. but worse.

….exactly like being 14 again.

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27th september, tuesday.

jetlag still haunts her with only a few days since arriving back in korea, skipping from LA to NYC left its own mark, and the restless nights lead here ; too tired to be swallowed alive by stress, too tired to run from photo after photo which may make way from her icloud.

life had been eventful, perhaps too much. an impromptu meeting at 5-something am in desperation for help at securing her devices. her manager had recommended the person in question, and that night had been long and hectic. yet in the midst of the mess jennie had considered it almost therapeutic to have her sins exposed to someone, it was the closest to honesty that the situation had offered. and somehow -- closure. this is happening, whether she wants it to or not. and all she can do is cope, be fluid, embrace the speckles of light and the weight of darkness. unsure of what to expect out of their meeting she had kept the man company until early hours, when the sun would make its way over the cityscape of seoul. he had been concentrated, fingers swift over the keyboard, explained what jennie couldn't fully grasp, and once voicing out positivity she had relaxed for the first time since the news broke. and thus? fallen asleep on his sofa. it had ironically turned into the safest spot in seoul.

the moon is at its prettiest in the dark, jennie thinks while getting dressed up in a white mini-dress. one could consider it innocent looking, if not for the fact that it barely offers coverage. ( she thanks yoga and boxing and running for being able to pull it off ) but her styling team positively chimes that this ! this is the dress which will soften her appearance after all the ongoing rumors! it takes more than a dress for that, but her friends abroad offer assurance over the phone-- telling her that this is all like a big tv show, her whole life. and now is the time to play the part.

with how the past days had looked, jennie feels like a fraud. ( perhaps that is why she only makes it through half the event before spilling coffee on the dress .. though some may blame her anxiety, the fear of people and what they think of her .. and changes back into baggy black jeans instead.. )

delicate shoulders are exposed, so she looks as tiny as she is, harmless, dainty. fans still greet her with excitement and jennie once again wonders whether she deserves their patience or faith, hell -- she doesn't even have any faith in herself. only knows that she is in this labyrinth of fame until it is over, however the end may reach her.

15th october, saturday.

the lights go off and she can hear everything, the crowd cheering, curious, anticipating whatever may come next -- and the increased volume when her name is the only thing in lights. she knows, aims for an element of surprise.

i love you and me, ... dancing in the moonlight ...

a lover of the moon, that's jennie. someone who has sought endless comfort on silent nights by pouring up a bath and watching the sky, or walked out to the river to seek an undefined *something* while in company of only the stars and moon. they see her sins and mistakes, yet never leave her.

he was the same for her once, but not anymore. and she is scared that life lacks meaning.

the man who dances with her is in charge, fluid and gentle in his movements, many which are inspired by ballet. it's dark around them, a rendition of the moon there to blind the crowd and for a brief moment only the shadowy outlines of jennie and her partner exist in the world, no one else. he moves like he cherishes her -- she pushes him away, because that lie has been told before. and jennie want it seen, for the world to be aware that she knows she is trouble, without saying the words.

feigned independence is a contrast of red on the otherwise clean and white backdrop. love isn't only bright and beautiful, it's harsh and complex.

the song and performance hits close to home. that was the whole point, in this way she can open up, tell the world that she is scared of what she longs for the most. am i asking for help?

yet she smiles more than she means to, because this, on the very stage, is the thrill she lives for. until the dancer grabs her hands above her head, because she needs that, someone reaching out to hold her. perhaps to forcefully remind her that she is worth the struggle of fame and gossip, that her fears cannot compare to the hold he has on her. reassurance. possessiveness.

but fear.

her hand refusing to take his once free from the hold, a glamorized battle for control, intimacy, and trust. ( the one who gives up control in love is the one left in pain when the illusion is over ) all mixed in with magnetic drive to not let go, being unable to, being drawn in for more. it settles on the hemline of his pants -- her fingertips onto bare skin as his shirt is undone. love isn't only childish and innocent, it's manipulative and dark, dipped in lust. words unspoken through escapades where the moonlight is the only thing illuminating two lovers. jennie finds it vulnerable, a contrast from what many view as easy, because she believes there is truth in each exchange. it has lead her astray a few times, but unspoken reassuance and an acceptance of each other happens even like that ; tangled up in bed, letting someone see your darkness.

the subtle art of attraction.

she sings about liking how he makes her feel, how it puts a something in her days, how she doesn't care about his previous loves because she plans to be his last, and it all feels like an old page out of her notebook, the one she goes nowhere without.

i don't wanna fall, don't wanna play this game alone with nowhere to hide ...

jennie knows the person the song is about never will be back, she's alone and this is a letter to the moon.

maybe someday someone will understand, and still hold her there through the fight. she wants to think she is valuable enough.