This Is Hilarious And Honestly, Capritello Is AWESOME.

Dick: the only reason I haven’t is because I fear for the doctors there.

Tim: oh please. I’m not the Joker.

Kon, suddenly in the middle of stopping a robot: he’s much worse.

Lex, confusion evident on his face: what?

Tim after saying something extremely worrying turns to Dick immediately after

Tim: Please don't put me in a mental hospital

Dick: I'm not gonna lie to you, I consider it sometimes

Second part! Here’s the first part

🔄

My mother respected my odd gender fluidity from a young age because I was 1) the favorite 2)the youngest and therefore the baby and 3) she always wanted a son. Well, congrats mother down in hell(she was abusive to my sister(momma) and cheated on my dad and had us lie about it), you got your wish. Your baby girl would’ve been your baby boy if you’d lived long enough to see it.

when i was a kid i had moments of being so fucking diabolical because i realized at some point the best way to leverage power over my family was to do shit that would make everybody late

saving for when ao3 returns.

Newscapepro SCP Rewrite Season 2: Alpha Strike

“Alright, are we all ready for our first mission as Alpha Strike?” Triana said to the rest of her team, all of which (Excluding Lara, obviously) were in the same helicopter as her. All wearing the, in Cory’s humble opinion far better looking green uniforms, including the bullet proof vest with each individual soldier’s insignia posted on their chest.

“I’ve been ready since we got back to base,” Hooper chuckled.

“Course I’ve been ready, these uniforms are sick!” Scott laughed.

“Yeah,” Cory nodded. “I look really good in green,”

Nikole didn’t speak, she just kinda crossed her arms and waited to land, uninterested as ever.

“Good enough, we’ll be attempting to recontain SCP-280. Use the flashlights provided to you to move it into an area that can inhibit it’s movement,” Lara cleared her throat. “Scott, you will use the experimental Micro HID Canon to stun it for a longer period of time,”

“Sounds good LT!” Scott chuckled.

“Glad you’re confident, cause we’re landing soon; everyone else ready?”

Everyone else affirmed, pulling out the flashlights, the brightness on them was enough to blind someone, and hopefully to do whatever it was supposed to do to this Skip. Admittedly Cory wasn’t paying much attention when Triana was explaining what it was. He didn’t have much time to ask anyway as they were landing in a forest. A forest with tall, dark trees that made the ground appear nearly black. Cory felt a small shiver go up his spine as he looked at it.

“Whaddaya scared, Cory?” Hooper slapped the man on the back, Scott and Nikole both chuckled.

“N-No! Maybe…” Cory mumbled as he held out his flashlight like a gun, sweat dripping down his forehead.

“You’ll be fine, Cory,” Triana reassured. “I’ve gotten you out of worse,”

Nikole cleared her throat. “We’ve gotten him through worse,”

“Yes, yes, let’s get moving now,” Triana tapped her headset. “Any signs of the Skip, Bluejay?”

“Flying a drone above the area now, I’ll let you know when I see it,”

“So uh… what’s this thing look like?” Cory asked as the team of 5 began to walk through the forest.

“Cory, were you listening during the briefing?” Triana sounded somehow both defeated and like she had the pent up frustration to tear down one of these trees.

“Uh…”

“It’s a pair of white eyes and some shadowy stuff!” Scott interrupted. “If you see some white eyes just flash your light at it so I can zap ‘em!” Scott chuckled as he slowly lifted up the incredibly heavy looking railgun.

“Thanks Scott!”

“Y’want help with that?” Hooper asked.

“I’m a big guy, I can carry it dude,” Scott chuckled reassuringly.

Nikole chuckled too. “True on that first part,” The two chuckled together.

Cory silently counted the trees in front of him, and glanced to the ground and the drone above him as his team walked through the forest, flashing their lights around the forest to see, the sound of bats above him kept him on edge as he-

Woosh

Wooshing sounds, wooshing sounds, wooshing sounds. Cory felt his blood go cold, the rest of the team felt it too, though to a lesser extent.

“Behind you, behind you, I can see it!” Lara exclaimed, the whole team turned around and flashed their lights at the pair of white pinpricks like eyes, held within a pitch black smoke within the illuminated part of the forest.

“We got it, Scott, now!” Triana ordered, Scott smiled widely as the canon slowly charged up, electricity surrounding the barrel as the shadowy creature was practically immobile from the amount of light on it, the charging sure was taking awhile though, the creature began to slowly move back.

“What’s taking so long?” Nikole shouted.

“I-It’s not firin-”

POOM

The gun exploded, a good chunk of the forest was shrouded in blinding white light. Every single MTF was launched onto the ground, they all groaned in pain as the light subsided, and the creature was gone.

“Alpha Strike, Alpha- fuck it, guys what happened?” Lara yelped over the radio. “My drone’s disabled, what did you do?”

“We *cough* we’re fine,” Triana said as she slowly got up. “The-”

“Oh shit!” Scott shouted, clicking on his flashlight only to notice that it wouldn’t turn on, no matter what he did. He took out the battery from the back which had completely exploded.

“The fucken’ gun exploded!” Nikole shouted, sounding as defeated as she did panicked. “And it blew up all the batteries, and now we’re gonna fucken’ die cause that fucken’ Kraut couldn’t bother to-”

“Nikole, calm the fuck down,” Triana calmly spoke over the older woman, hiding her own panic as Nikole let out a sigh of anger “The Micro HID Cannon didn’t fire properly, the batteries for our flashlights have been destroyed alongside the…” Triana looked at the cannon to assess the damages, only the part of the gun holding the energy core was damaged, the core, and the casing around it exploded and charred.

“Tri, the what?”

“The Canon’s core exploded,”

“Okay, okay it’s not as bad as I thought,” Lara breathed in and out. “Holy shit that was bad, there should be extra batteries and a spare core at the helicopter,”

“Great, Scott can you repair the Micro HID Cannon?”

“That’s uh…” Scott was breathing in and out to calm himself down. “Like, my entire job; hopefully I can,”

Hooper had seemingly calmed down pretty quickly. “What about us?”

Cory completely zoned out, utter panic on his features as he stood like a deer in headlights; not paying attention to a word of what Triana was saying as the blinding light and the events leading up to it flashed in his mind-

“Cory!” Triana shouted.

“Agh! What? What is it?”

“I- we’re going back to the helicopter to get batteries,” Triana explained. “Move!”

“Yes ma’am,”

The five ran through the forest, attempting to ignore the fwooshing around them, or the smoke in the corner of their eyes, or the white pinpricks they’d see alongside it, or the-

“Agh, it’s got me!”

Cory turned towards Scott being attacked, held down by the smokey creature. Panic set into him as the rest of his team desperately clicked their flashlights to no effect.

“Fuck fuck!” Triana yelled.

“No, nononononono!” Cory slapped the side of his head in panic, desperately trying to calm himself down-

FLICK

A light shone onto the shadow man, he slowly moved away from the Armorer, covering its eyes as it slowly backed away.

“Holy shit,” Scott was breathing heavily, panic and exhaustion evident in his voice. “You save me, man,”

“I… did?” The panic hadn’t worn off yet, Cory was still counting the trees he could see.

“Your eye er… lens is glowing, Cory,” Hooper announced.

“Yeah, forgot you had a camera for a face for a minute there,”

“Oh my God, I… saved you!” A huge smile grew on Cory’s face, he hadn’t failed somone, he hadn’t failed someone!

“This is great!” Lara sounded just as excited. “Now all Scott has to do is repair the Micro and we can go back to base,”

“Yeah Cory, you saved this mission,” Triana patted him on the back. “And Scott’s life,”

“Enough talkin, we’re burnin’ daylight here,” Hooper said.

“Of course, let’s get moving; someone guide Cory through the forest,” Triana ordered

Hooper grabbed Cory by the wrist and gently led him out of the forest, Cory felt his heartrate speed up (from the adrenaline of saving Scott’s life, of course)

Back at the helicopter, sooner than Cory thought they’d be. The shadow creature was long gone.

“Scott, get repairing the Micro HID Cannon,” Triana ordered, handing the man the glowing blue mass, encased in steel cage.

“On it, I’ll try to see what went wrong with it,” Scott said as he crouched down with the broken gun, a toolbox and welding equipment. He quickly got to work putting the core into place and welding the outer shell together.

Cory turned around, his lens light shining onto the man.

“Do you know how to turn that off?” Nikole asked.

“Uh… lemme just,” He slapped the side of his head again, the light turned off. “...I do!”

“Great, I’ll have this done in a jiffy!” Scott smiled under the welding mask. “Also I’m pretty sure I know what was wrong with it; the steel holding the energy core wasn’t thick enough,”

“What?” Triana sounded pissed, most than she usually did. “That is… incredibly irresponsible of The Foundation to give us a faulty prototype,”

“Hey, big Tri, standin’ up to The Foundation n’ all that,” Nikole chuckled.

Triana nodded. “I’ll be having a talk with the higher ups after this… especially Otis,”

“Right, it is his prototype,” Hooper said.

“That guy gives me the creeps,” Nikole shuddered at the thought of the Professor. “He’s just-”

“It’s back!” Cory shouted as he slapped the side of his head, the shadow creature that began to bolt towards him had been stopped in its tracks. “Gotcha!”

“Shit, are repairs finished, Scott?”

“All done, ready to lock n’ load!” Scott laughed semi-maniacal as he aimed the massive gun at the creature, it began to rev up and rev up, the tip of the barrel glowing blue before-

BZZZZZZZZZZT

The beam, a light blue combination of electricity and light hit the shadow, sending the smoky mist to the floor, completely incapacitated; a first for any recontainment op.

“Hell yeah!” Triana raised her hands in celebration, the rest of the team followed suit, Cory continuing to stare down the creature.

“From that I assume that shadow boy is dealt with,” Lara chuckled over the comms.

“You bet your ass it is, never doubted you Cory!” Nikole patted the man on the back.

“You said we were gonna die like 10 minutes ago,”

“I was jokin… let’s get this thing in the helicopter and go home,”

And so they did, Alpha Strike’s first mission was a stunning success, even with the mild hiccups it had.

---

Professor Otis sat in his office, tapping his fingers uncomfortably on the paperwork sitting on the table in front of him, he groaned as he readjusted his hat, his tie, every part of his clothes until-

“Professor Otis, what the hell?” Triana burst open the door, putting her hands on the desk. The man jumped a little in his seat as she entered.

“Lieutenant, what are you doing here?” Otis asked, a look of offense and annoyance in his eyes. “I am incredibly busy-”

“I don’t care,” Triana deadpanned. “You gave my team a faulty prototype, I would’ve liked to know about the fuel container’s faults beforehand,”

“We didn’t know, we-”

“Then you should’ve tested it more, your incompetence nearly jeopardised the entire mission,”

“Are you here to insult me, or are you here to talk about something useful?” The man sounded angrier. “As Alpha Strike you should understand that your job entails more risks than the average Mobile Task Force,”

“I understand, but I would like for unnecessary risks to be removed from the equation,”

“And I did what I could, anything else like this and I will have you court martialed,” A small smirk formed on his face for a second before going back to his normal scowl.

Triana grumbled. “I hope for your job that you did, I’ll be going now, Professor,”

Triana left the room.

“Good riddance,” Otis grumbled under his breath.

Tim is that kinda petty honestly.

no offence to jason but tim's the one bruce should be directing all that "the second i looked in the small child's eyes i knew he was dangerous" energy at. tim's the one getting job offers from supervillains every tuesday. but alas tim is also the better liar

world's last pseudo polycule consisting of God, a Spider in a human suit, and a very tired man, who'll stand between their loved ones and anything that'll want to do em harm with his shitty human axe

season 5 tim being the protector of their little group 😤💪

[apocalypse blues tag] (bonus a convo w/ @thefuturewithoutus bc tim being the protector is important to me)

the idea of jon reaching like top god status and tim still like, putting himself in between him and the people that might want to harm him plagues my mind..... peak excuse me he asked for no pickles but make it dramatic hgsgf .

all powerful jon and tim has like an axe but it's the intention that counts. let him believe that .

i think partly its jon letting him believe that for tim's sake, bc god he deserves to have Something, but also? tim bothering to do all that, to literally put a fight against some random monster they find on the road for him, it almost makes him feel like a human, perhaps (sidenote its even funnier in the small window of time where martin joined the party bc its like, literally God, a big fucking spider in a human suit, and Just A Guy with an axe, the latter being the main offense of the group sdfgdg) .

and i think tim's so protective at that point it'd be like a reflex to just put himself in between jon and danger Nevermind jon being all powerful he's their little attack dog .

he's filled with love and the leftovers of anger and he's lost everyone he loved at least once even if Some came back he WILL protect them damn it!!!!!!!!!!! .

tim recuperating from his season 3 persona and being funny again and loving but still having the burning rage and hatred he only takes out for the fears... love it

When Arrox learned that humans were on world he expected liars, smugglers, murderers, or worse. He wasn’t expecting a pair of generally kind hearted beings.

Mahl, as one of the humans-the one with golden hair and eyes the color of the Gaien sky- insisted on being called, is a doctor. He helps, again and again and again. He never turns anyone down, dirtying his hands with the blood of people who can’t pay and instead taking favors or small tasks.

Ivan, the human with silver colored hair and green eyes, is something called a ‘veteran’. He steps between beings and their would-be attackers constantly. He looms behind kind elders who are often taken advantage of.

The pair are well liked, even more so when word gets out that the Gaien government is going to be sending aide to a planet a system away. The two disappear with smiles goodbyes, promises of souvenirs, and reminders of keeping safe.

The humans said "We sent our very best to the stars."

Well we looked at what they sent: And thought, if that's their best, what are their worst like? They were scavengers and opportunists, fast talking con artists, barely restrained psychopaths with mayhem on their mind.

Honestly we were expecting the worst: That 'human' would be a curse word, that we'd have to root them out painfully and banish them back to their dirty heavy world.

But they cleaned up Antichor. They dredged the oceans, got the ecosystem back up, cleaned the mine lakes, remediated the sludge swamps, turned the hulks into gleaming ingots.

"We knew how. We had the experience." They said.

The humans started showing up in the weirdest places. Conflicts of all sorts... and they always had questions. "Why are you doing this? What if tehy did this. What if you did that?" And it was so odd - Within weeks of the Humans showing up, common ground would be found, or reasons to get along would appear.

"Well, we're used to it. We know how to deal with conflict." They said.

And the human liars, dressed in bedazzling clothes, singing and laughing... They spun lies! For entertainment! Of better worlds, and drama, of excitement, of adventure. Thay made such spectacles - Fire in the sky of a thousand colours - smoke and lasers, costumes and music, feats of synchronised movement the Civil Worlds had barely imagined could be performed by any being let lone these strange humans...

"We know how to have a good time!" They said.

When there was a nasty little war of expansion over on the Veran worlds, we thought we'd be barely in time to document the mass graves and the scraps of planetary genocide. Expansion wars are the worst of crimes but what can you do? The settlers who are squatting on the graves of the people who came before aren't usually the ones who ordered the invasion or carried it out. And there's always some justification that can be argued over for centuries: none of which brings the dead back.

We were horrified to find the Human fleet there. Finally proof that the Humans were the worst sort of mercenary.

But the ships had aid: Shelters and food. Medical personnel. And those that did fight did so under strange rules that allowed for surrenders and retreats in good faith.

The Verans talked of the Arnath Invasion fleet: Unstoppable, claiming thier worlds before they even landed, their leaders ranting and cursing those who lived there - But then the Humans arriving like heroes of legend, in flame clad dropships, spending their lives hard, making the Arnath throw incredible effort to get nowhere... Of the mighty Rangers, each one a hero. The Bulwark infantry who wouldn't yield a single step until the civilians had been evacuated. The Medical teams as caring as any, who'd stand and fight as hard as a soldier to protect their patients.

And even before we arrived, the Arnath were losing - Humans arriving on their world and asking "Why?". Arguing with the Archons with the skill of philosophers, litigating on behalf of the Verans with cunning arguments. The clowns and entertainers with unexpected savagery, showing the population their own "heroic" soldiers burning crops and firing on children, turning the population against thier bloody handed leaders.

The soldiers returning, not hailed as heroes, their crimes documented.

"We know these crimes. We won't stand for them." The humans said.

And we started to wonder... what else did they know?

What we know now is... you can always ask the Humans, because they always send their best.

WIP

Someone said Tim and Ra's gave them Morticia and Gomez vibes, which led to me writing this at 4 in the am. Not exactly what I intended but it still vibes y'know? Enjoy I guess.

Ra's is humming in frustration over some paperwork, league reports about recent attacks against his bases further south. He's trying to figure things out but it's late and he's already attended several meetings today. He's stressed, completely worn out.

Tim, dressed in the finest of dark silks gifted to him, comes up behind the older man; eerie blue eyes uncannily unnatural ringed in the thick kohl. His steps are silent but for the soft jingle of ancient gold jewelry and rare gemstones.

At first, his touch is soft and gentle when he reaches out. Then his sharp nails are raking down his newly-wedded husband's richly coloured skin, applying simple pressure and edging that line between feeling good and painful. "Don't torture yourself Dearest, that's my job."

Ra's smiles and turns to him, cupping his porcelain face, thumb tracing a shiny, thin line over his chin. Tim's body reminds him of Kintsugi. "I am only keeping you safe, beloved. These attacks are coming nearer and nearer-"

"You don't need to fear for my safety. I'm just as skilled with a sword as you." Tim cuts off, knocking Ra's' hand away, offended at the meer implication that he couldn't hold his own against a few rival assassins.

"Oh I don't doubt your capabilities, my dear Ghazal. I merely honour you so much that I am willing to fight for for you whilst you rest atop my thrown", Ra's soothes his husband, taking his hand and kissing over his marred knuckles. Acknowledging each scar as a proof of his strength, talent, admirable stubbornness.

Tim grins at that.

"You'd fight for me? You'd have me sit on your throne? Allow me to hold away over all your servants and ninja?" He tests, pulling back his hand from Ra's' grasp and turning to lean against the desk, disturbing some of the documents that lay there.

"Darling I would kill for you", Ra's reminds the younger man. "Do not question the lengths of which I am willing to devote myself to you now that we are one. Everything that is mine, is yours. Whatever you want I will give to you."

"Whatever I want?" Tim bites his lip, considering. Ra's only grins back, wide and promisingly predatory as he bares his teeth.

"Anything you wish for, my beloved".

Tim's got the most dangerous man in the world wrapped around his little pinky finger. He's got Ra's' thinking this was all his own perfectly crafted idea.

Tim smirks.

"Good."

Duke: … sounds real

Tim: Careful, the less you use your power the more likely you are to use it by accident

Duke: Why do you know that

Tim:...

Tim:......

Tim:..

Tim: I know everything.