Tim Is A Snake In Griffins Clothing And It Would Do Everyone Well To Not Forget That, Less You End Up

Tim with the YJ. “If Red Tornado didn’t see us with anything that is DIRECTLY tied to the act he won’t yell at us.”

Red Tornado yells at them later.

Bruce: This plan of yours, one assumes it is entirely legal?

Dick: Yep.

Tim: Of course.

Jason: Entirely.

Damian: Obviously

Bruce: Right…I Wasn’t here. Didn’t see it. Couldn’t have stopped you.

bruce would be fucking HILARIOUS in his idgaf era just imagine:

bruce: come home

jason: what? so you can throw me in--

bruce: no, just come home. i want you home, so come home.

jason: i'm not fallin for this shit!

bruce: i no longer care about all of *points between himself and jason* this mess. i want to go home, play monopoly with my kids and be mad about the lot of you cheating. that is what i want, so that is what will happen.

jason: you're being ridiculous.

bruce: frankly, i dont give a fuck. now, what piece do you want, the hat or the car?

jason:....

bruce:.....

jason: the car.

bruce: fantastic, be home in 10.

saving for when ao3 returns.

When Sonic's behavior shifts abruptly after the battle for the Paradox Prism, Tails is more than a little worried. Something was wrong, and being the good little brother he is, the kit was determined to get to the bottom of it.

Though, if he'd known the depth such a thing resided in, Tails might've thought to bring a bigger ladder.

_______________________________________

Back at it again >:)) I have been so self-indulgent with these fics lately lmao. But hey, you can never have too much brotherly hurt/comfort!

Jaster tries to break into the Temple Archives in increasingly inventive and ridiculous ways. The Temple Guard take bets on how much time will pass between attempts (the shortest was two hours, the longest was seven months) and film the whole thing for the rest of the Guard to watch later. Madame Nu has a sixth sense for when he’s making an attempt and makes her paranoia everyone else’s problem. Mace gets sympathy headaches.

The closest he ever got was the main doors to the Archive.

(Yoda showed him the way.)

Obi-Wan: *hangover drunk but not blackout drunk in an elevator* Hey, did you know I can do a standing split?

Cody: *has tapped that before, has had 15 cups of caff and is vibrating into a new reality* Haven’t seen it but I assumed.

Rex: People ask why I don’t wanna go to the bar with you two.

Anakin: *filming Obi-Wan trying to crawl the wall like an exorcist scene* We’ve been stuck in this elevator since the last gymnastics you did, Obi-Wan, maybe stick to the floor?

Obi-Wan: Okay. Cody get on the floor with me.

Cody: Why??

Obi-Wan: I don’t wanna float away.

Cody: Noah Fence. But if I sit down right now I might implode.

Rex: I’m so embarrassed to know them. I would actually rather die than be rescued from the same elevator with these two.

Anakin: *holds up his saber* I mean, at this point it might be worth Padme paying for the damages-

Obi-Wan: *starting to cry cause Cody won’t cuddle*

Cody: *humming at an alarming volume In overstimulation*

Rex: I don’t even care anymore, get us out of here so I can bleach my brain. Now.

Anakin: On it, boss!

I’m so fucki tired it isn’t even funny lmao. It’s 65F outside but the AC’s on and it’s barely cold enough for me to drink without overheating :)

A happier galaxy where the disaster lineage is somewhat less on fire constantly and senior padawan Obi-wan has developed a fixation on Mandalorians:

Sometimes Feemor regretted just how much he had given away when he had spent 5 expensive months bribing a traumatised Obi-wan to call him brother when he was 14. His dignity, for one, his access codes and shadow cloaking techniques, another. So he had a very dignified reaction when he was awoken to the shine of his younger brother's eyes in the dark at the foot of his bed. "I wou-stop screaming it's just me-I would like a Mandalorian. How do I procure one?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

Obi-wan scowled as if Feemor was being difficult, he wasn't, he wasn't quite awake enough for that yet. "You're a shadow, you're supposed to know things."

Ah, if being a shadow granted you the secrets of the universe instead of just a great many planetary governments, Feemor wouldn't spend so much time wondering what dark rituals Dooku had committed to result in Qui-gon Jinn. (He already knew what regular rituals Qui-gon had committed to result in Obi-wan)

"I know that I'm about to punt you out of my room right now."

"...My birthday is coming up, I believe I deserve compensation for all the traumas."

Obi-wan's eyes were very big now. Feemor sighed. He flopped back down into bed. He resisted the urge to pull his blankets back up and roll over. 'Oh sure when it's time to see mind healers everything's fine but now-'

"Shouldn't you be asking Master then?"

"Master would not approve of how I plan to use the Mandalorian."

He squinted at Obi-wan for a long moment. Obi-wan stared back. He did some quick mental maths and tried not to feel old. Eh. Fine. Feemor swung his legs out of bed. "You had me at 'Master wouldn't approve'."

"Do you think I could get one by walking into little Keldabe and asking very nicely?"

As it turns out, yes he could. A few too many in fact, apparently Jedi, their ancestral enemy, in the Mando district attracted attention, who knew? Feemor knew, Feemor would have known if only he had been properly awake when this semblence of a plan was proposed. He stalked through the cantina towards Obi-wan who was leaning slightly forwards against a pillar, ah...speaking, to a Mandalorian with painted orange armour while surrounded by a larger crowd of Mandos. At least they seem mostly amused. He ignored the youngers squawk as he yanked the back of his robes so that he moved away from the Mandalorian and spun him around.

"You cannot solve centuries of animosity by batting your eyelashes."

"I'm not batting my eyelashes " Obi-wan sniffed," I'm shaking my ass, there's decidedly more effort involved."

"I miss when I was an only child." Feemor sighed deeply. He used the force to scruff the neck of Obi-wan's robes and dangle him slightly in the air. He ignored the shouting from beside him and bowed politely to the staring Mandos. "My apologies for the disturbance, this will not happ-" He considered his brother who was now yelling out his personal comm code with a wink. " Please excuse us, this very probably will happen again, we shall workshop it. May the force be with you all."

I don't have a fully planned AU but it is Codywan!!! cause I love those bitches but have some more dialogue I came up with for this AU. I'm imagining them both as like 20-23, Obi's close to knighthood. He's still a padawan for this because I think him causing Qui-gon headaches is funny. Feemor fully thinks this complicated courtship dance Obi's created is funny, he likes studying his little brother like a bug, he just wasn't prepared for him to just waltz into little kelbade and start hitting on people, though he really should have been.

Hand wavy timeline with Jaster alive but the clones are still clones, Jango was kidnapped and held in stasis or something, Jaster claimed them as Mandos. This is really just about Obi's first and biggest diplomatic achivement being friendly Jedi-Mando relations purely cause he was in his thot era. This also somehow saves the galaxy from the sith.

I like to imagine that Cody's brothers recorded that little exchange between Fee and Obi on their helmets and uploaded it online where it went viral on MandoNet before going viral galaxywide because wait holy shit is that a Jedi saying that????. Qui-gon gets called in for a very weird meeting where the council's like ok so the entire holonet has seen your padawan being horny on main but also this is like the biggest jump in our diplomatic relationship with the Mandos in centuries so like can we keep this up somehow? This results in Obi-wan being holonet famous, first through vode recordings but then he starts a space tumblr and twitter account and he's famous now. Then his friends and other jedi start accounts because wait we're allowed to do that? and those become big as well and this is literally the best PR the jedi have had in hundreds of years. the holonet loves them. the sith are fuming.

Obi-wan, scoffing: What were they gonna do? Shoot me? Feemor: Yes. Obi-wan: I don't believe in blasters. Bly: ...like as a concept...? Obi-wan: No, spiritually.

Obi-wan: I'm sure there's a nice Mandalorian we can find for you Feemor: I'm not sure those 2 words belong together Obi-wan: No of course not, we can't find a nice one, then they'd be all alone, we need to find an absolute bastard of one so that you two match :)

Obi-wan: Oh so Master gets to take in pathetic life forms but I don't? This one's already domesticated! Wolffe: Debatable. Feemor: Cody's a person! Not a stray tooka! Obi-wan: Master takes in stray people all the time! That's how he got me!

Qui-gon: How do you explain this behaviour Padawan ? Obi-wan: The force pushed me towards the Mandalorians Master, it was quite insistent on me developing better relations with them given our difficult history. Feemor: Fascinating, please do elaborate, I'd love to hear the theological implications of a force-assigned kink.

Lol Tim somehow doesn’t notice for years until Damian is older AND bigger.

Bart: I was bored and reading about deities of the world,

Tim: as you do

Bart: yeah, and you know how Cassie is part Greek God?

Cassie: do I want to know where this is going?

Bart: do you think if we started giving her offerings and worshipping her she'd turn into a full Goddess?

Kon: don't know till we try! OH GODDESS! Accept my offering *throws gummies at Cassie*

Cassie: *smiling with a pack of gummies* you joke but I'm keeping these.

Tim: *not looking up from his phone* oh Goddess Cassie, please let us have a peaceful day.

Cissie: *walking into the room* ?

Kon: we're worshiping Cassie to see if we can make her a Goddess.

Cissie: oh ok, merciful and beautiful Goddess-

Cassie: *laughing*

Cissie: -please grant me knowledge on my next exam because SOMEONE *glares at all of them* keeps pulling me into Young Justice mission's and I haven't studied *drops down in a chair and tosses her a bracelet* my offering.

Cassie: *still laughing* knowledge granted.

Bruce: you are grounded.

Tim, feral grin in place as he stands calmly from his seat: you owe me for my time as Robin~

Bruce:… fair. Have fun.

Bruce, looking up from his paperwork: Tim, no. Tim:, setting down his coffee, grin growing, looking towards someone who's pissing him off: Tim, yes.

Tim, later to the YJ: that’s how I got Jason to come to dinner for once.

Kon, still beefing with Jason over trying to kill HIS Robin: EXCUSE ME?!?!?

Tim: oh Jason can't kill me anymore Jason: can't???? Tim: if you kill me, it'll be (Red Hood former alias of) the Joker killing (Red) Robin Tim: which means I will have aped every major aspect of your tenure as Robin, and since you'll have killed me, you'll be the one who made me your perfect replacement Jason: ...wh- Dick: okay, wait, getting killed by the Joker is NOT every aspect of Jason's tenure as Robin- Tim: I embezzled a Batmobile from Batman (stealing the Batmobile tires) Tim: I dropped out of high school (never got to finish) Tim: I was hated by the Robin before me (Dick hating Jason) Tim: and my falling out with Batman was based on him thinking I killed someone I didn't when they fell off a building (Bruce thinking Jason pushed Felipe Garzonas off a balcony) Tim: oh! and since Ra's al Ghul wants me alive, I'm reasonably sure he'd use the Lazarus Pit to revive me, so I could take that too! then I can get to work on stealing your identity as Red Hood :) Jason: Dick: Tim: I already took Red Robin :) Dick: ...wh- Jason: Tim, I hate you, I hate you so goddamn much. You are my favorite brother. You are the only Bat I respect and the only one I will ever willingly work with. You are completely insane. You are the best Robin there ever has been or ever will be. What the fuck is wrong with you. I love you. I'm going to shoot you in the leg now. Tim: make sure you miss the femoral artery!