I Needed These Books So Badly The Time I First Read Them Too. I Believe They’re Genuinely Helping Me

YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS 🤘

Spent all morning distracted by what an amazing needle drop moment it would be at the end of a Gideon the Ninth adaptation if the outro was War Pigs by Black Sabbath.

Hear me out

The instrumental intro of that song is pretty long. What if we slow it down a tad. Make it a tiny bit moodier. Jod does his whole monologue about not being able to save Gideon, about the need for Lyctors like Harrow. Then the song starts in its normal speed/sound.

“Then rise, Harrowhark the First.”

🎶 Generals gathered in their masses

Just like witches at black masses

Evil minds that plot destruction

Sorcerer of death's construction 🎶

The both look out the window at a fleet of imperial ships massing at the edge of the system.

🎶 In the fields, the bodies burning

As the war machine keeps turning🎶

The scene fades to the bloody and abandoned mess of Canaan house, to the skeletons scattered everywhere, rubble from the building, the bloody spikes of the railing. It transitions to the house coffins in some hanger on the ship.

🎶 Death and hatred to mankind

Poisoning their brainwashed minds

Oh lord, yeah!🎶

Screen goes black, credits start the rest of the song plays on.

My comrades and I got threatened by a pack of neo-nazis at a benefits show we were hosting for our new local Food-not-Bombs chapter in SC last night.

Nobody got hurt and the show was a huge success after we got them to fuck off, but it really put things into perspective for me regarding my transitioning body and physical wellness/performance. I work a physically demanding warehouse job, but the workload is just inconsistent enough where unfortunately I’m not getting much out of it unless we’re super busy. Currently I’m just a wiry bundle of sticks with A-cups and mediocre upper-body strength (on a good day 😅).

I think it’s high-time I properly break the glass on my Vi/Gideon Nav/Scorpia/Zarya transition goals. Gonna look up how to min-max my vegetarian diet and find a queer-friendly workout center in my area.

I suppose a hefty DIY belt chain would do me some good too…. 😈 Stay safe out there y’all. It’s only gonna get worse before it gets better.

so like this will be rambly but oh well.

i’ve only been on hormones for almost 2 years and i have some Things to Say.

Transfems you need to eat and you should workout in general but especially strength training. You’re going through puberty so you need a ton of fuel, also the fat redistribution that will give you feminine features comes from incoming fat, don’t expect your existing fat to just migrate on its own.

as for working out, it will make you feel better i promise. It also is important to focus on functional fitness so when youre old you can squat to pick things up with ease, or farmer-carry the heavy groceries, or help lift friends off the ground when theyre injured. Working out is your way to say “fuck you world, i’m trans and i will survive and even when i’m old i won’t go down easy”

I know the dolls are underrepresented in fitness spaces, so it can be intimidating, but fitness is for everyone and you may able to be positive exposure to trans people for those who otherwise might not see people like us day to day, and that makes them think of you as part of their community.

I also want to point out that I worked out before transitioning, i wasnt super strong or anything but i lost nearly all of my upper body strength after my T dropped, I STILL cannot reach some of my old PRs for certain movements. I’m not trying to paint women and AFAB people as inherently weak (there were tons of cis women way stronger than me even when i wasnt on E), but when your body shifts from relying on testosterone to estrogen you lose a ton of energy and a ton of strength. Working on building and maintaining strength is nothing but beneficial in every facet of your life.

(this may be a good time to point out if youre scared of being bulky and muscly: dont be. its very difficult to get that physique and you have to be actively working or planning for it 24/7)

All this to say that I’ve seen so many scrawny transfems wondering why they dont see many physical effects from their transition while they under eat and dont train. Fuel, Fat, and Muscle will give you the results, the hormones are just blueprints to tell your body what to do with those things (among other things).

Another thing for the American transfems, with the next minimum 4 years looking very bleak: a strong doll can fight back.

“YOU HAVE BYPASSED YOUR GOD-GIVEN PROGRAMMING SON!!!”

Are those your parents?

Truly one of the best side-effects 😭

Heck that’s honestly just one of the effects lol, no side- about it!

I love the fact that I can cry like Mary in a pietà for whatever reason now, good or ill.

This infuriates and disheartens me to no end quite frankly. When I want to browse art and thoughts closer to my end of the transition spectrum, every third post is from some farm account posting the most blatant (and likely stolen) chaser-bait I’ve ever seen.

genuinely do not know what to make of the fact that the transandrophobia tag is half trans men cogently discussing the oppression of trans men, and half people of all gender identities talking shit about other trans people for ??? reasons, while the transfeminism tag is half trans women cogently discussing the oppression of trans women, and half just straight up pornography

For years, the TV in my parents’ house had a greyscale Fox News logo burned into the bottom-left corner of the screen due to how often that channel was on.

I used to think it was funny back before I started questioning myself. Now I’m just glad I don’t have to look at it anymore.

This isn’t really meant to be a comic trashing my dad.

I do truly appreciate his commitment to education.  I do truly have a soft spot for his style of humor, which certainly influenced the development of my own.  I appreciate how he had this VHS-C camera that he was always bringing out and would let me use, sparking my love for movies and starting me on a path that led to me going to film school.

All those good things about him were real.

But so was the colossal amount of damage he caused.

If you happen to be a parent and are reading this right now, I’m going to ask that you consider this suggestion from a childless thirty-six year old:

You need to consider how you communicate with your child, and how communication doesn’t just mean the words that you use.

You’re telling your kids something with the foods you eat, the activities you engage in, etc…

…you communicate to your children with the media you consume.

The rhetoric against the trans community wasn’t as much in the spotlight when I was growing up, but every time my dad turned on the radio, he’d have my sister and I listen to the likes of Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, etc…  One of the topics that’d come up frequently was queer people. 

Issues about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, gay marriage, gay boy scouts…

The “gays” were an issue.  More than an issue really, they were a problem.  If someone was queer, these radio hosts were quick to villainize; “this teacher is going to turn their students gay,” “this troop leader is going to abuse his scouts,” you don’t want your kid to end up like that, do you?”

My dad would listen to these folks non-stop and nod along in agreement, all the while his extremely queer and aware of it child was sitting right behind him, listening to how she was some kind of monster.

So I hid. 

There could be no sharing about aspects of myself.  My parents would be listening to 770am or Fox News all the time.  If I share that I was queer, I’d be finished.  How couldn’t that be the case?  Every day they chose to listen to people that hate me, so they hate people like me. 

So I can’t let them know me.  I won’t let them know me.

Even though they never said that they hated queer people with their own words, they told me that they hated queer people every day with the media they chose, and in turn forced me to consume.

So again, if there are any parents reading this right now, consider my words.  Hate is a choice you make, and hate can be communicated with more than just words.

If for no other reason, you never know if that kid in the back seat is listening, listening to how you hate them.

And then transmeds took it back and ran with it. 😔

But like, what did people we would define as trans do back before we had lab-grown HRT like we do today? Did we used to just, roll over and waste away? I don’t think so.

Modern HRT is a wonderful thing (I should know), but I personally see it as a societal bandaid solution and a “cure” for cis people’s perceptions of us. I LOVE what it is doing to my body, but if I lived in a world where transness and gender roles where fundamentally permeable, would I think the same way?

At that point it would just be another form of body modification I suppose 🤔

the “born in the wrong body” model has never been a correct and universal explanation for being trans, it was always just a simplification to get cis people to understand things better. but then cis people took it to mean “there is something fundamentally wrong with trans ppl that can only be fixed with hrt” and its making me lose my mind.

Now say “you were born in the wrong body” to a disabled or neurodivergent person. Congrats! Sounds hurtful and reductive doesn’t it?

it wasn’t until someone said to my face “oh so you were born in the wrong body?” that i realised how weird of a thing to say that was. like, no?? sure I’d make changes but it’s still MY body

So eerie and wholesome at the same time. 🥘🧌

Little Xallergh and her hags moms

Be proud of your age sisters, you’ve made it this far!

I really think if you're an adult transfem you're gonna have a harder time if you only view yourself as a girl and refuse to view yourself as a woman