Mental Wounds Not Healing

walkie talks || steddie

steve: we... weren't alone back then

steve: i'm not mocking you and i'm not embarrassed, it's just... hard for me, okay?

steve: please don't go

eddie: i don't know, harrington, sounds a whole lot like you were embarrassed to me

eddie: you think this isn't hard for me? jesus.

eddie: if you really wanna talk, for whatever reason, then come over. i'm not doing this with you over walkie.

eddie: think i've been humiliated enough already.

stevehharringtcns·:

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it was funny to think that steve used to think that he would never make his way inside of eddie’s trailer when he was younger. the two were apparently incompatible back then, but now, steve would gladly spend his days with eddie if he could. it was better than spending time at his place, especially when his parents were around. steve also wasn’t sure when eddie’s opinion became so important to him, but it was definitely important now. that’s why he was sort of nervous to show him his new haircut. who could tell what his reaction was going to be? maybe he liked his hair the way it used to be, and he had to admit that the other’s face scared him a bit once he first saw it.

smiling once the other approached him and kissed him, steve smiled as he wrapped both of his arms around the other’s waist and brought him closer to him. “do you really love it or are you just saying that because i’m your boyfriend? because you have to tell me if you don’t.” steve said with a small chuckle escaping from his lips, before he kissed the other’s cheek. steve could feel his knee starting to hurt, mostly because he had probably been standing for too long now. he knew that they both needed to sit down, especially since eddie had messed up his ankle pretty bad. he looked down to check out the other’s ankle and frowned when he noticed that it was wrapped in bandages.

“what are you doing up? i thought we both agreed that we’re supposed to… you know, get some rest and all of that. you’re hurt.” steve said as he shook his head slightly. he could feel his face turning hot, but he thought that might have just been from being in eddie’s presence. who could blame him after all? “c’mon, let’s sit down.” steve said as he let go of the other and sat down on the couch carefully enough not to hurt himself. that area was a sensitive one, but he wouldn’t admit it out loud, even if eddie wouldn’t make fun of him. 

steve smiled up at the other as he watched him, feeling himself relax on the couch. he was used to this couch now, but who could blame him? he spent a lot of time there. he ran a hand through his hair, a little shocked when he felt it so short. it was hard getting used to it, but he knew that he could probably still rock it. “it’s weird getting used to have short hair…” he said, nodding his head. “you know, i think you would look pretty good with short hair too. maybe you should try it out.” he said, a teasing tone in his voice as he looked over at eddie. he knew how much the other liked his hair, and who could blame him? he looked good.

+++

eddie was glad for the support that steve's arms around his waist proved to be, relaxing ever so slightly, he wrapped one hand around the back of steve's neck, the other resting on his biceps. it allowed to him to shift his weight, relieving his injured ankle of the burden of fully supporting him. still, eddie tried his best to keep his reaction under control - no need for steve to worry, after the man himself had only recently gotten out of hospital. this was a minor injury at best, fat more benign than the wounds steve had suffered. so he put on a brave face, gave his boyfriend a smile.

"oh, so you think you have me totally at your mercy, huh? that you've wooed me into being a dishonest man? why, i detest your accusation!" said with all the theatrics and bravado he could muster up - lacking in execution but not passion. eddie gave a slight chuckle." no, steve, princess, I assure you that i love it. totally honestly. cross my heart, and all that. "

a sharp pang of guilt in his chest, he grimaced as steve took note of his injury. eddie waved his hand, but stopped himself shirt of saying 'it's nothing'. instead he sighed, rolled his eyes and plopped down on the couch next to steve, swinging his legs over his boyfriends lap. "yeah, yeah, sorry. ill rest. im resting now, aren't i?" then, snuggling closer, he took hold of steve's arm and added : "not that id be opposed to not-resting. cause that new hair of yours is really making me want to not rest, babe." and eddie wiggled his brows suggestively, added a wink for good measure.

soon replaced by a frown, he fervently shook his head. "me with short hair? no man, i definitely can't pull that off. besides - that's sort of my whole thing here. ever seen a metalhead without long, luscious locks?"

joseph quinn as eddie munson in stranger things 4 vol. 1 (2022)

stevehharringtcns·:

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steve nodded as the other said that water was good, but he didn’t move. for some reason that he couldn’t explain, he didn’t want to leave eddie alone in the room. not because he didn’t trust him, but because he felt like he couldn’t just leave him like that. and he doubted that he wanted to be alone too. so he just stood there, staring at eddie as he waited for him to relax a bit, but it seemed like panic was going to consume eddie and steve didn’t know what to do. he looked at eddie to see the look that he sent his way once steve made the joke, but in all honesty, he was just trying to calm the other down in the best way he could.

“i leave town for a week and you guys… manage to set fire to a whole diner. how is that even possible?” steve asked, knowing that it probably wasn’t anyone’s fault, but he thought that if he were there, that everything could have been avoided. after all, he was a pretty damn good babysitter after all, and he could have prevented the whole thing - that’s what he thought anyway, because he clearly didn’t know what had happened at benny’s diner.

he couldn’t help but to notice eddie’s hand ghosting his own hip, which made him frown slightly. he was hurt. steve didn’t even think about his next move as he grabbed the edge of the other’s shirt and lifted up slightly only to reveal eddie’s bruise. it looked painful, steve thought to himself as he looked back into eddie’s eyes, only to realize what he was doing. “eddie, you should… go to the hospital and get this checked out. it looks… bad.” he said, looking over at him, his face turning slightly red by only looking at eddie’s bareskin, even if it was bruised.

steve kept his other hand, however, on eddie’s shoulder, giving it small reassuring squeezes as he was trying for the other to feel better with just his touch. he didn’t move when he felt eddie’s hand on his own, but it didn’t help with his blushing. he kept his hand there, nodding his head slowly as he heard the other talk. “i believe you, eddie… i mean, it would be stupid not to believe you, we’ve all seen shit… i just don’t know what it could be. we closed the gates. all of them… it can’t be vecna. he’s dead.” he reassured the other, hoping that he wouldn’t end up regretting his words. “you’re not alone, okay? we’re all here for you… i’m here for you, and we’ll figure everything out. you just need to rest or something.” he said, nodding his head.

“i just came back two days ago, it couldn’t have been me, eddie… i’ve been out of town.” he said, letting out a sigh as he grew concerned about people seeing him around town when he clearly was out.

“i’m sure… my parents are out of town again, so it doesn’t matter, we don’t need to worry about them… coming back or something of the sorts.” he said with a small sigh, looking over at eddie with a small smile on his lips. hearing that the other wanted to make sure that he was safe made him smile, nodding his head slowly. “don’t get all soft on me now, munson… i’m fine.” he said with a chuckle. “you can stay in my room, i can stay in the guest room. c’mon.” he said as he finally moved his hand from eddie’s shoulder and grabbed the other’s hand without thinking as he started leading the other up the stairs to his room. “you’re lucky, most girls don’t get to see my room until the third date.” he teased.

+++

“see, you can’t just leave town for a week, harrington. we need our fearless leader.you’re lucky the town still stands, actually.”, eddie muttered, a small grin tugging at his lips - not that he wasn’t spooked anymore, oh no, he absolutely was, but steve’s company did wonders for calming his jangled nerves. and that fact was definitely something to unpack another day. although, thinking about it, there wasn’t really that much to unpack, other than the fact that eddie’s big fat schoolgirl crush on steve harrington was slowly but surely resurfacing. clawing its way to the surface and growing stronger with every day he spent in hawkins.

though, could anyone blame him, when steve went ahead and did things such as yanking his shirt up to reveal his bruise? eddie’s breath hitched in his throat, eyes widening as he glanced between steve’s eye and his hand, fingers not quite touching his bruised skin but ghosting over it, hovering and even that made eddie’s heart hammer in his chest. he gulped, managed a weak smile. “ah, no, no, it’s nothing. nothing to worry about. i’m just clumsy.”, he waved it off with a shrug.

 “i’ll live.”, he repeated “i mean, i’ve survived worse.” and the memory of the swarm of demobats circling above him made him grimace, slightly, he hoped that steve didn’t notice. eddie leaned into steve’s touch, relaxing with every little squeeze he gave his shoulder. he hummed and nodded, more to himself. “yeah. yeah, you’re right...i’ll be fine.” eddie swallowed. “sorry, i - i shouldn’t’ve come. it’s stupid. i woke you up, didnt i? i’m sorry.”

chewing on his bottom lip nervously, eddie looked up at steve again, considered just...leaving instead of making things awkward. but the look on steve’s face, the smile, suggestes that he hadn’t just offered for eddie to stay simply not to be rude. it seemed genuine - he relaxed, slightly, nodded again. fingers tracing over steve’s hand on his shoulder as if to ground him. 

steve took his hand, led him up the stairs - eddie nearly forgot to breathe as he stumbled up. forgot to walk, too. he’d only ever imagined this scenario in his dreams, though with a vastly different premise and outcome. he grinned, wide and toothy. “well,well, well, aren’t i a lucky gal.”

stevehharringtcns·:

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steve couldn’t help but to smirk at eddie once he repeated his words, shaking his head slowly as he held the other close. he remembered that night so well, but not for a moment he thought that eddie was flirting with him. maybe he was just oblivious to that, but considering that he was used to flirting, he should have known. “well, you know, i thought you were interested in… something else.” he said with a shrug, letting those thoughts creep into the back of his mind again. he couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe eddie hadn’t been flirting with him during that night, but instead he was flirting with someone else. but he didn’t want to get into detail.

he let out a light chuckle fall from his lips as he heard eddie, his hands never leaving the other’s body. he didn’t want to let him go, he could stay like this for the rest of the night if he could. he smiled at the other, shrugging his shoulders. “that wouldn’t be half bad. i would suggest we go for a swim, but i don’t think lover’s lake is the best place to swim.” he said with yet another chuckle, but the truth was that he really couldn’t stand the idea of going out into that lake ever again.

at the mention of the yellow sweater, steve was a little surprised that eddie remembered it. he didn’t even remember the last time he had worn it, but apparently he had worn it enough times for eddie to remember. “you want my yellow sweater? i’m sorry, but i just love it too much, i can’t let it go…” he said as he squeezed the other’s hips with a smile, teasing him as he kissed his cheek for a couple of moments and then looked at eddie. “maybe… we’ll see. i have tons of clothes you can go through.” he said with a nod.

he kept kissing the other passionately, pulling him closer every second. it felt right to be this close with eddie, but he still felt like the two needed to talk. if not only to know what… well, what they were. steve wasn’t sure about it, but he needed to understand. it wasn’t easy for him to just go around kissing eddie like everything was alright, but in all honesty, steve cared about him. it was obvious that they weren’t just friends anymore. “i just…” he said.

but he was interrupted by eddie speaking. steve wasn’t even sure if he had an answer for that, but he didn’t think all of those things. he let eddie finish and just as he was about to open his mouth to talk, he heard the cabin door opening and his first instinct was to let go of eddie and take a step back from him. he didn’t even think about it or the impact that it would have, especially when eddie had just said all of those things. “wait, eddie…” he said as he took a step forward to get closer to him again. “i don’t…” he said, trying to figure out what to say. “can we talk somewhere quieter?” he asked, now in a whisper, as he looked over at the person who had just walked inside of the cabin and then back at eddie.

+++

eddie furrowed his brows, trying to search the expression behind steve's eyes, he pulled back slightly. "'something else'? like, what, steve? you keep talking in riddles.... hey, you should try dm-ing sometime at hellfire. that'd be hot." eddie gave him a tongue in teeth grin, swaying side to side as he got closer to him again. and despite the warmth of the day cooling down, eddie suddenly felt oddly warm, with steve's arms wrapped snugly around him. it was dangerous, how quickly he'd gotten used to it.

eddie grimaced, gave steve an over-exaggerated full body shiver at the mention of going swimming. yeah, no, all of the kings guards and all of the kings men couldn't get him back into that lake. no matter how hot hawkins got in the summer, eddie would gladly take the community pool or any other body of water over lover's lake.

"no, steve, no offense but your other clothes just won't do. it has to be the yellow sweater.", eddie said, whined almost, and shrugged. "won't settle for less, big boy."

and eddie had leaned back in again, ready for the requested last kiss to smooth the hit of steve's rejection when the cabin door suddenly swung open and steve all but leaped from his arms. with fluttering lids, brows drawn together and his lips parted slightly, he exhaled shakily, watched steve closely as he took a step towards him again. as he did, eddie took one back. pulling his lip in with his teeth, he gave a weak scoff.

"i see.", eddie said quietly, spat almost. he didn't miss how steve's gaze drifted to the side but he didn't bother follow it, eddie couldn't give two fucks about who had just walked in, interrupted their moment. he gulped, scrunched his nose up, eyes darting between steve's. breath going faster, hear threatening to burst out of his chest, but not in the way it had the first time he and steve had kissed, for example. no this was the exact opposite of that happy, excited feeling.

eddie pressed his tongue to the roof of hiw mouth when he felt his eyes water, he'd read somewhere that that stopped you from crying. and he really didn't want to give steve the satisfaction of crying in front of him.

"you know what, harrington? spare me your... explanations, apologies, whatever. i’m not mad, promise.", accentuating his words with exaggerated gestures, hands flying about. "i don't really care what this was for you, steve. some... experiment, a little joke with your jock friends or... i don't know, releasing some tension after wheeler dumped you. whatever." he shrugged. "i don't.... care, steve, really. but.... i thought we were friends. you didn't have to be so fucking mean about it."

voice a little shaker now, eddie let out a sad chuckle, scratched the back of his neck. "see you around, king steve.", he whispered, averted his gaze and walked past steve out the cabin.

EDDIE THROUGH THE YEARS + THE SONGS HE LISTENED TO

freshman year ‘80 - ‘81 : blank generation - richard hell (1977) ; god save the queen - the sex pistols (1977)

sophomore year ‘81 - ‘82 : search and destroy (bowie mix) - iggy and the stooges (1973) ; breaking the law - judas priest (1980)

junior year ‘82 - ‘83 : paranoid - black sabbath (1970) ; crazy train - ozzy osbourne (1980)

senior year #1 ‘83 - ‘84 : cum on feel the noize - quiet riot (1983) ; holy diver - dio (1983)

senior year #2 ‘84 - ‘85 : for whom the bell tolls - metallica (1984) ; a little bit of what you fancy - saxon (1984) 

senior year #3 ‘85 - ‘86 : she sells sanctuary - the cult (1985) ; 2 minutes to midnight - iron maiden (1984)

spring break ‘86 and beyond : shot in the dark - ozzy osbourne (1986) ; master of puppets - metallica (1986)

chicago ‘86 - 87 [trauma era] : i could have been a dreamer - dio (1987) ; flood II - the sisters of mercy (1985)

chicago ‘87 [coping era ]: animal (fuck like a beast) - w.a.s.p. (1984) ; sex dwarf - soft cell (1981)

back to hawkins ‘88 : rainbow in the dark - dio (1983) ; round and round - ratt (1984)

*bonus: songs he listens to with steve: head over heels - tears for fears (1985) ; (i’ve had) the time of my life - bill medley, jennifer warnes (1987)

stevehharringtcns·:

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steve wouldn’t have been able to forgive himself if something had happened to eddie at the carnival. he had been arrested and steve felt his heart sink when he had been told that. the worst part was that he was unable to help, but he was glad to see that the other was okay. he had been unharmed in the explosion. he wouldn’t have been able to handle it if eddie had been in the bed right next to him, in a different room or worse, if he had died. steve didn’t like thinking about that. not after everything that had happened two years prior, where steve had been the one to visit at the hospital after he had been attacked by the demo-bats and almost died. of course, at that point he hadn’t been this close to eddie, but he was still concerned of course. especially since dustin had become so close to eddie and he didn’t know how the kid would handle that loss. now the roles had switched.

he let his eyes be closed for a little longer, opening them to look at eddie. he hadn’t noticed he had been cold this entire time until eddie pointed it out. “a blanket… would be nice.” he said as he tried to adjust himself on the bed, but he was far too weak and far too bruised to even attempt to move. he would have to try again later, he thought. “but… just stay here for now.” he said, squeezing eddie’s hand so that he wouldn’t get up just now. he wanted for the other to stay beside him. it’s all he asked for at that moment. he looked over at him, a small and weak smile forming on his lips as he felt eddie’s hand on his. he was glad he was there with him. they both had survived and they both would be okay. they had to be. steve couldn’t imagine a future where the two of them wouldn’t be okay anymore. he had pushed away the thought of everything going wrong between them.

he enjoyed the silence for a couple of moments, heavy breathing as he did. he looked over at eddie when the other started sobbing, but he didn’t say anything. he couldn’t stop the other from feeling that way. he lied there, as he started feeling his own tears streaming from his eyes down his cheeks. he didn’t sob, he knew that it would hurt if he did, but he was crying. he hated seeing eddie like this, breaking down in front of him and he just couldn’t wrap his arms around him and bring him close. he squeezed his hand once again. “eddie…” he said, his voice weak as he sniffed, hoping that the tears would stop eventually. for both of them. the two were alive, yet they found themselves crying like one of them had died. it didn’t make any sense, but the two had been through enough for this to be allowed. “i’m not going anywhere. i promise…” he said weakly, nodding his head slowly. he wanted to keep that promise. he couldn’t leave eddie, he didn’t want to leave him. he couldn’t hurt him again. and seeing him like this made him feel stupid that he hadn’t seen the signs sooner, when they were fighting vecna and eddie was flirting with him. steve was too busy chasing something that he didn’t want. he wanted to be with eddie, and he was sure of it. “and when… when i leave the hospital, we’re going to…” he said, stopping to cough a little more, wincing as he felt the pain of his broken ribs spreading through, stopping to take a breath. once he recovered, he continued. “we’re going to watch… dirty dancing. and we’ll learn that… lift move. i promise.” he said with a nod.

he let the two of them calm down for a bit before he asked what he wanted to ask. he had been thinking about it for quite some time now. he just didn’t know that he needed a near death experience to actually say it. “life’s too short.” he started by saying, taking a deep breath after that. “i could have died… and-and…” he said as he started rambling, trying to find the right words. “i want you… to be… my boyfriend, eddie.” he said. it felt weird to say that out loud, he wasn’t used to it, but he knew that it was right. he knew that eddie was right for him. “no more… pretending that we’re just seeing each other and going out. i want… to be your boyfriend.” he said, giving the other a small nod. “okay?” he asked. 

+++

eddie nodded so fast and eagerly that he nearly strained his neck. “yeah, of course, blanket, blanket....”, he trailed off, anxious, strained eyes darting around, briefly landing on the bed cole montgomery currently occupied. but - no, eddie frowned, shook his head to himself softly, no, he couldn’t steal cole’s blanket. the man needed it to himself, probably. despite steve’s wishes to simply stay put, eddie reluctantly let go of his hand for a moment to shrug off his signature leather jacket and denim vest, carefully draping it over steve’s chest. “to tide you over ‘till you’re letting me leave to get you that blanket, hot shot.”

words followed by a weak, disingenuous smile, he squeezed steve hand again, tight, until the tears came spilling out on their own accord, body rocked by heavy sobs. eddie hated it, how easy he began to cry. in front of others, too. ever since he’d been a little kid, once the tears came there was no stopping them, which had obviously made eddie the subject of ridicule. over the years he had learned to ‘suck it up’, develop thicker skin, bottle up his feelings. not let people in on what was truly going on inside him. but steve was ...  different. 

and steve was crying, too. eddie’s head snapped up as he heard him sniffle, his own sobs ceasing instantly. his chest heavy with the guilt that his display of emotion had caused the tears he was now softly wiping away with his thumb, caressing steve’s cheek as he did so. “hey, shh. i’m sorry, sorry, sweetheart. i didn’t mean - sorry.” he shook his head, shaking the last couple of tears out of the corners of his eyes as he did so. they’d have plenty of time to cry once steve got out of there. besides, crying was exhausting, and steve was here to get better, to rest and relax. and eddie could get up and finally get him that blanket once they had both calmed down. steve’s hands really were cold.

the cough made steve wince and eddie tear up again. he bit down on his lip, hard, winced and mirrored steve’s grimace, wishing he could mirror the pain, too. if he couldn’t take it from him then they could at least be together in their suffering . teeth moving over his bottom lip, he waited patiently as steve recovered enough to continue talking. an incredulous chuckle drawn from his lips, brows raised, eddie softly shook his head in disbelief, raised their joined hands to his lips again. “yeah. yeah, alright, we’ll learn the lift. whatever you want.”

life’s too short, i could’ve died. feeling the lump in his throat grow bigger, eddie blinked and averted his gaze to their hands, thumb softly tracing over his knuckles. his whispers of “no” and “don’t say that”, quickly ceased as steve finally popped the dreaded question. come to think of it - not dreaded at all, actually. eddie lifted his head very slowly until he met steve’s eyes, a puzzled look on his face as steve’s words kept repeating in his head. boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend. i want to be your boyfriend. he blinked, confused, squeezed steve’s hand - yeah, no, this was real. this was definitely real.

“i - i’m sorry?” a couple of beats passed before the meaning of steve’s words had apparently sunk in, eddie’s bemused expression suddenly fading, making way for a wide, toothy grin. he nodded slowly, his grin spreading wider and wider before eddie surged forward, to connect their lips in a short and soft kiss, careful not to hurt steve in any way. “yeah. yeah, of course, dumbass. duh. “ and eddie laughed, genuinely and loudly, quickly pressed his lips together, giving steve a sheepish smile. “i mean - you’re, like, a hundred percent sure about this?  because .. cause i’d hate for you to wake up, like, tomorrow or whenever the painkillers have worn off and regret the whole thing.”

rcbinbvckleys·:

⚢

slipping in the front door of eddie’s trailer, robin almost had the scare of her life when eddie called her name from such a short distance. “do you ever speak at a normal volume?” a rhetorical question, for she already knew the answer. eddie always had a lot of energy, it was almost admirable and very infectious. perhaps one of the reasons robin enjoyed his company so much. besides the fact that she didn’t ever feel the need to hide with eddie, which in itself was extremely freeing.

“i’ve been here before, dingus. i remember that mattress of yours, for example.” and how gross it was. flashing a mischievous grin in eddie’s direction, robin joined him on the couch, eyes fixed on watching his hands work at rolling the joint. he was much better at rolling than she was, probably because he’d had a lot more practice. sure she’d been to eddie’s trailer a number of times but nothing could really compare to the first few where they’d literally all been on the verge of death.

“it’s good. no, great!” a barefaced lie and they both knew it. maybe getting high with eddie munson was the release that robin needed right now, but would that really make everything just… go away? sure, for a little while but not completely. “actually, i’ve been kind of distracted recently.”

+++

“huh? what was that?”, he called out, even louder, a wide, toothy, teasing grin on his face. he’d turned up his stereo real loud, not loud enough to cause any of the neigbours to call the cops on him but loud enough so that the muffled sounds of the latest ‘ratt’ record were audible in the living room.

eddie grimaced as she mentioned the mattress, resisted the urge to pull his hair over his face to hide behind it, seeing as he wasn’t particularly keen on having it go up in flames. “oh my god, robin, just let it go. please. i give you plenty enough material for your mediocre jokes as is, let the fucking mattress go.”, he muttered around puffs, brows drawn together. 

but he loved it, their dynamic. hanging out with robin was always easy and comfortable, didn’t feel forced at all. their vibes just .. matched, it was hard to explain. after vecna, after everything had happened and they’d gotten closer, started to hang out more, eddie had often wondered why they hadn’t been friends in high school.

kicking his feet up on the coffee table, he passed the joint to her, eyed her with a frown. “bullshit.”, he said, crossed his arms over his chest. “what’s the matter, what’s going on?”

EDDIE MUNSON + HANDS Stranger Things 4 (2022)

walkie talks || steddie

steve: eddie?

steve: it's me, steve!

steve: are we alone... here?

eddie: oh. hi.

eddie: what do you want, harrington?

eddie: i see, even on the walkie line he's afraid someone might hear ...