It Truly Is One Of The Saddest Things In My Life How True The Phrase, “the Nice Guys Always Finish
it truly is one of the saddest things in my life how true the phrase, “the nice guys always finish last” is. since i was 7 y/o i’ve had to give and extend my own self for my family and others to the point where there was nothing left of myself. it’s become so ingrained for me to plaster on a smile and work myself to the bone for others when i never get anything in return. now it feels so temporary for me to try and be self-sufficient in my emotional well-being. people pleasing is a curse. you try and you try and hope that things get better over time. “maybe this one person will actually care…”, “maybe this one job will treat me better…”, but they won’t. everything in this life is transactional. people will thank you for your labor at your workplace, be grateful for the friendship you give them, say that they love you for being a good partner to them. but all of that shit can disappear faster than when they said those things to you. you no longer are a person, you become the thing that is transactional. i’m never truly thanked, i don’t feel truly loved or valued. i feel disposable and replaceable for being a giver and giving my entire self for people. yet… i keep hoping that one day i can feel like i’m me.
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Something about I'm not over it, not over her...
and
The things that make you sad, am I one of them?
And the opening Pepa offered Eddie, that she didn't get it right the first time, either. "Right" being the forever love that Eddie's heart so clearly longs for.
Sometimes it takes three tries to get it right.
I'm still chewing on this, but there's something about how Eddie believes that in order to accept his love for Buck — to allow himself permission to love Buck — he would have to regret Shannon. And Christopher. Loving Buck would mean he never loved Shannon, shouldn't ever have been with her, therefore no Christopher. Which is such an unacceptable, alien concept, Eddie stays stuck.
But Pepa offered him a different view. Sometimes, it takes three tries to get it right. And all those "tries" are part of the process. Eddie is learning that he gets to hold all of it, that he doesn't have to choose. That Shannon's ghost — not her death but their life together — and Christopher and his forever love with Buck? All of them are part of who Eddie is — part of his heart — and always will be.
It's all very queer awakening in adulthood. Eddie is about to set himself free and finally allow his heart to have what it wants. What a wondrous thing to behold.
BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER CAST ━ Lupita Nyong’o, Danai Gurira, Winston Duke, Dominique Thorne and Letitia Wright for EBONY Magazine (November/December 2022)
Discovering and Rediscovering Me, while Adapting, Changing, and Evolving along the Way - Public Diary21 y/o Black, Non-Binary, Queer Individual with Dreams, and a Life to Live and a Story to Share TW: Abuse, Su*c*de Attempt, Su*c*dal Ideation, Depression, Anxiety
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