Wanna Cover Myself And The Bathroom Floor In Blood.

starting off the morning with extreme anxiety because I don't wanna go to school, woke up absolutely way too early so that's even less sleep, woke up to messages from A, who I haven't heard in 4 months and I don't want to open them

increased anxiety and suicidal ideations this morning, such fun

I swear so much has happened these last 3 days that nothing feels real, and it's not even bad stuff, just very eventful days and it's leaving me very floaty and confused

it feels like I haven't stopped to take a break or take in anything fully

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED AND CONFUSING

why do I barely bleed. I hit deep styros again (wouldn't say baby beans even though I think I saw a few)

and it's barely bleeding or dripping. why does this happens with all my cuts.

i hate being sick so much

want to commit but I got a thing going on tomorrow, so suicide debate is postponed. (I'm upset for no reason and hating on everyone)

“Way to high, I'm way too drunk

I'm not gonna cry from the things I've done”

i don't wanna speak, I don't wanna do any form of communication, I don't wanna type or write, I don't wanna talk. i don't wanna move. i don't wanna do anything.

again.

again.

again.

i just want to not exist, just wanna lay and rot, just wanna die.

I'm about to lock myself in the bathroom and cut. I'm talking with Z about A. we're trying to fucking find him. he's been on Spotify in the past week and Pinterest like a month ago.

is he ignoring us? but why? and for 3 months? did we do anything? if something is or was wrong, why couldn't he have just, I don't know, said something?! even if it's vague or blunt, anything would be better than this.

wonder how he'd feel if he knew and saw the extent of my cutting and scars.

he should leave me. i don't want to be cared about. (he doesn't care about me anyways, made that clear)