I Hate When Some "Chosen One" Stuff Happens In A Dream Right Before I Wake Up And Happens To Be Connected

I want to quit my freaking job. It's absolute hell. Walmart is paying 14.50 and it's still not enough. You can't pay me enough to have an existential crisis every time I think about my job. It's not worth it. I can't keep up with the speed and accuracy they require. I can only do one or the other, and they're probably going to eventually fire me if I don't quit. I'm so tired. I'll burn myself out soon if I don't quit.

Parents always say this:

"You're smart. Therefore, it's okay for me to expect more of you."

"You're smart. Therefore, I don't have to care how I explain things to you."

"You're smart. Therefore, it's okay for me to assume that any mistakes you make are intentional."

"You're smart. Therefore, if you say that you struggle with something, it's okay for me to assume that you're just lazy, afraid, lacking confidence, lacking motivation, or any other excuse to dismiss your struggles as fake.

but never this:

"You're smart. Therefore, I will put my authority aside and consider the possibility that you are right and I am wrong.

Like any abusive authority figure, they want you to be smart enough to uphold their authority but not smart enough to challenge their authority.

I think your problems are very valid and your trauma is not any less important than others' . I can't speak for you but wanted to say that you don't have to think you're luckier than others. Also being neurodivergent already means you have a lot of struggles. Maybe reason why you think you're luckier than others is because you were used to pushing aside your issues in favor of others. That's rough life, I hope you know everything you go through is equally as valid as anything else

Thank you for the ask, and thank you for the validation.

I think you're kind of right about me pushing my issues aside, but it's probably also just another consequence of abuse. "It could've been worse." That's always what people are told, and a lot of us are gaslit into thinking it wasn't nearly as bad as it was.

At this point, its so deeply ingrained in my mind. I can't really help but to think that way sometimes. I'm working on it, though. Maybe it'll stop one day and I'll be able to completely distance myself from everyone involved.

Once again, thank you for your kindness. I hope you and everyone you care about are living your best lives. If not, then I wish you the best of luck on your journey to happiness.

skipping the first part because parent

 Desensitizing and normalizing abuse

This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.

This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they're doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.

I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person

I've seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it's normal and it might be me one day

I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I'm scared they'll think the same about me

This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling

This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal

This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it's just good fun

This person doesn't think their actions would affect someone strongly

This person doesn't seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad

if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy

This person talks about horrible things they've been thru, even when i'm too young to perceive or understand it

This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already

This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating

This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it

Guilt-tripping and punishing

I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them

This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it

This person convinced me if I didn't accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden 

This person says what they do is "tough love" and it's for my own good

I feel like I'm hurting this person if I don't give them what they need (want)

I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them

I feel if I don't do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself

If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me

No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me

No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can't fight them anymore

If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force

I feel too weak to resist them and I think it's my fault

I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they're only one who love me and I can't bear to lose them

I invested so much time and love in this person, I can't bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now

If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me

I don't feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I'm told by this person

If I don't do what I'm told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it

I'm scared of what they'll do to me, or themselves if I resist

this person explained to me that I'm silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling

this person insists it's not a big deal what they're doing to me and that I shouldn't overreact to it

Isolation and secrecy

I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what's happening between me and this person in private

I'm scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn't understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen

I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened

I don't have many friends or people who would care about me

I'm scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed

I don't want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad

I feel like I must keep everything a secret 

this person told me not to tell anyone

this person made threats to me if I told someone

I'm scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone

This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us

Rules and terrorizing

I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong

I'm not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle

I'm not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable

I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I'm forced to give in eventually

I've known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me

I'm aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn't escalate further and how it could

Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing

I'm scared of what this person might reveal to others about me

this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist

I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person's demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt

I'm terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well

I feel guilty about the things I've allowed this person to do to me, but I don't feel able stopping them from doing more in the future

33...its too much

Am I being groomed to accept abuse? Checklist

 This is the checklist for recognizing if you’re groomed into accepting abuse, this checklist doesn’t cover sexual grooming, and for sexual grooming click here. Bold the points that are true for you, italicize if you’re unsure. Even if sexual grooming isn’t covered here, the same methods are used in sexual grooming as well.

Creating an illusion of bond (this step can be skipped if they’re already a part of family and expect trust by default)

This person makes me feel important and special

This person claims they feel admiration and affection for me because of my maturity and intelligence, and that’s why they’re drawn to me even though it might look inappropriate

I am surprised this person would feel anything for me (because of age-difference, they’re a teacher/adult or otherwise authority figure, or because nobody else in my life thinks I’m worthy being cared for)

This person gives me special privileges

This person tells me personal secrets, and I am surprised they trust me with them

This person acts like they already knew me when they just met me, and acts like we’re very close already, even when there wasn’t much time spent together

This person considers me a part of their life very fast and I am flattered by it

This person was very quick to declare affection and love for me

This person shares intimate details of their life with me and I feel special for it

This person makes me feel like they’re the only one who really loves me

This person said they were the only one who really loves me

This person knows things about me nobody else knows

This person makes me feel at ease to talk about my trauma, even when I don’t feel like I could tell anyone else, they don’t judge me

This person seems to think the world of me right away

This person calls me affectionate nicknames that don’t match the length or type of our relationship

This person gives me presents and gifts out of nowhere and I feel indebted and grateful

I feel indebted to this person, even if I didn’t want the gifts they gave me

This person was there for me when no-one else was and I wont abandon them no matter what

This person praises and compliments me for everything I do they want of me, but their praise stops whenever I want to go against their word

Desensitizing and normalizing abuse

This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.

This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they’re doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.

I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person

I’ve seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it’s normal and it might be me one day

I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I’m scared they’ll think the same about me

This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling

This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal

This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it’s just good fun

This person doesn’t think their actions would affect someone strongly

This person doesn’t seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad

if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy

This person talks about horrible things they’ve been thru, even when i’m too young to perceive or understand it

This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already

This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating

This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it

Guilt-tripping and punishing

I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them

This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it

This person convinced me if I didn’t accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden 

This person says what they do is “tough love” and it’s for my own good

I feel like I’m hurting this person if I don’t give them what they need (want)

I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them

I feel if I don’t do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself

If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me

No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me

No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can’t fight them anymore

If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force

I feel too weak to resist them and I think it’s my fault

I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they’re only one who love me and I can’t bear to lose them

I invested so much time and love in this person, I can’t bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now

If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me

I don’t feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I’m told by this person

If I don’t do what I’m told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it

I’m scared of what they’ll do to me, or themselves if I resist

this person explained to me that I’m silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling

this person insists it’s not a big deal what they’re doing to me and that I shouldn’t overreact to it

Isolation and secrecy

I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what’s happening between me and this person in private

I’m scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn’t understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen

I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened

I don’t have many friends or people who would care about me

I’m scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed

I don’t want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad

I feel like I must keep everything a secret 

this person told me not to tell anyone

this person made threats to me if I told someone

I’m scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone

This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us

Rules and terrorizing

I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong

I’m not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle

I’m not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable

I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I’m forced to give in eventually

I’ve known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me

I’m aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn’t escalate further and how it could

Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing

I’m scared of what this person might reveal to others about me

this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist

I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person’s demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt

I’m terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well

I feel guilty about the things I’ve allowed this person to do to me, but I don’t feel able stopping them from doing more in the future

If you bolded and italicized 4 or more of the points of any but the first category, you have underwent some form of grooming. If you bolded and italicized more than 25 of the points, you have been thru extensive and extremely malicious grooming. Anyone put thru this would find themselves helpless and cornered, it is not your fault if you’ve been subjected to this, and you did not attract it into your life.

If you bolded a lot of things in the first category, but not the others, and this relationship is still new, be careful because they might start doing the second phase of grooming at one point. (If the relationship between you and this person already lasted for years and never escalated into any abusive or coercive behaviour, you can ignore that advice).

eldest daughter

your round cheeks, a smile all baby teeth before you wore glasses, you looked just like me you spoke in little whispers, so gentle and sweet i taught you letters, excited for you to read

i cannot forget how little you were, so small but you grew so fast and you got tall enough for rollercoasters and water slides old enough for movies and motorcycle rides

old enough to be beat till you sobbed for mercy older and wronged, shivering in fury older still and afraid, running faster than tears this is how i began to fear it still haunts me after all these years

so i shush you when you cry so i threaten when you fight so i stayed awake at night so i learned how we survive

hush little baby, don’t say a word mama might come, but i got here first i know you’re scared, i know it hurts but if she comes, it will hurt worse

i age too fast, but still too slow to keep you safe from every blow i failed so i pray you hold your own

but when i beg forgiveness, you say what for you only know peacetime, never war i think i’m glad you don’t remember all

the bloodshed and the slaughter let it die with the eldest daughter

One of the newer daycare teachers at my center was complaining about a specific child - who has a lot going on we’re still trying to map out, but definitely some type on developmentally divergent on top of attachment issues with their single mom.

Anyway, said kid, a little under 4 years old, was resisting doing art, which was really upsetting the one one teacher when the other (who’s worked with this kid for over 2 years) was basically like “Ok, not today, this isn’t a good day for you.”

One thing I do when I find kids at the center resisting my instructions is asking “Why” - on me.

Why am I asking this child to do something?

“What they are doing isn’t safe” and “What they are doing is harming another child” are obviously good reasons for me to pursue my point.

“Maintain structure” is, honestly, generally a good reason, where “structure” is the regular rules and expectations of the class and schedule.

Having a predictable structure helps most children feel safe, because they don’t have to be the adult and decide what is going to happen - their teachers are the ones that set boundaries for safety, have their physical needs met, and create expectations that allow them to develop patience and delayed gratification.

But forcing a child to participate in an activity? Not just “now it is art, because we do art every day” but “you must do art??”

Asking my “Why, what is the child getting out of this” devolves down after a few levels to:

The child has to learn to comply over their own mental health.

Even the more experienced teacher who let the one kid sit out and rest from art is irritated when children refuse to sit quietly during Circle Time, which pisses me off because all the trainings I’ve taken on Circle Time say “have a quiet activity optional for children who don’t want to sit and participate.”

Sadly, as I was discussing this with my other Autistic coworker at closing, we agreed that “Conformity despite mental health” is a primary rule in modern education, and both of us despite being aware of the obvious issues with this are powerless to even motivate major change within our own center without taking “Room Lead” roles.

Which we both agree would break either of us. 😓

Maybe I’ll do my worst for the first half of my shift and be hyper and throw out my back moving too fast after lunch. Maybe I’ll start my shift at my best and have a go really slow for the last 3 hours. We’ll see

tryna get a job w adhd like ‘i may be the best employee you’ve ever had or the worst. depends on the day. see for yourself’

I got to hold a 500,000 year old hand axe at the museum today.

It's right-handed

I am right-handed

There are grooves for the thumb and knuckle to grip that fit my hand perfectly

I have calluses there from holding my stylus and pencils and the gardening tools.

There are sharper and blunter parts of the edge, for different types of cutting, as well as a point for piercing.

I know exactly how to use this to butcher a carcass.

A homo erectus made it

Some ancestor of mine, three species ago, made a tool that fits my hand perfectly, and that I still know how to use.

Who were you

A man? A woman? Did you even use those words?

Did you craft alone or were you with friends? Did you sing while you worked?

Did you find this stone yourself, or did you trade for it? Was it a gift?

Did you make it for yourself, or someone else, or does the distinction of personal property not really apply here?

Who were you?

What would you think today, seeing your descendant hold your tool and sob because it fits her hands as well?

What about your other descendant, the docent and caretaker of your tool, holding her hands under it the way you hold your hands under your baby's head when a stranger holds them.

Is it bizarre to you, that your most utilitarian object is now revered as holy?

Or has it always been divine?

Or is the divine in how I am watching videos on how to knap stone made by your other descendants, learning by example the way you did?

Tomorrow morning I am going to the local riverbed in search of the appropriate stones, and I will follow your example.

The first blood spilled on it will almost certainly be my own, as I learn the textures and rhythm of how it's done.

Did you have cuss words back then? Gods to blaspheme when the rock slips and you almost take your thumbnail off instead? Or did you just scream?

I'm not religious.

But if spilling my own blood to connect with a stranger who shared it isn't partaking in the divine

I don't know what is.

Once again, the failed prototype takes a backseat to its creator's magnum opus. That's how it always happens.

A frame, gifted to me for my birthday sat empty because I had no friends and no fun memories with which to fill it.

They were put there instead.

"This is temporary."

It wasn't.

I used to shine so brightly, the brightest star in the sky, blocking out so many others. I was the pride of the galaxy. Now that I'm older, I've burned out and essentially been replaced. I lay here, wasting away with little to show for the time I've spent living.

I was gifted a frame once again. This time, it had something in it. A photo of the stars, the way they were in the sky over the place I was born, on the very night I was born.

Their photo sits on top of mine. In my frame.

How fitting. How poetic.

"Don't act like they're the favorite. Or like they have special privileges."

They clearly are, and they do.

I felt almost numb about it at first. I didn't want to be bothered by it, but I was. The tears fell immediately. I can barely complain about it. It always ends in my words being brushed off or a full blown argument. Never an apology or even an admission of wrongdoing.

How dare you. How dare you do this. It's such a small act, but the hate and disrespect feel earth shattering. I know I'm being dramatic, and it hurts that much more because of it. I know I sound crazy for crying and complaining about it. After all, it's a picture frame. It's not the end of the world. It feels like it, though. I'm literally nauseous.

"You have to toughen up. You can't be a soggy little sad sack."

I don't want to toughen up. People who have to steel themselves often lose their compassion, empathy, and patience. That's one of the many things I hate and fear. Those emotions don't disappear. They only fester and ferment until they bubble over. You could've had juice, and then maybe wine, but no. Now you have vinegar, and you can't just keep trying to hold it in. It will escape whether you like it or not. You can't keep pouring more juice into a full glass and expect it to not spill.

I shouldn't have to toughen up about this. Something so stupid shouldn't be happening in the first place. They knew the pictures were coming. They could've bought a new frame. They aren't expensive.

"His picture is from an achievement. Yours isn't. What do you need the frame for? You have no achievements and you haven't since you were younger."

I wanted to break the frame as soon as I saw the picture. Life has been kicking my ass, and I managed to keep my cool until I came home that terrible night and saw that photo.

Why do I have to be the broken, failed prototype? Why do I have to be defective? It isn't fair.

Rashida Tlaib has set up a petition to send to the White House to recognize and stop the ethnic cleansing and forced displacement happening in Gaza. If you’re a US citizen please sign. I have no illusions that this will change policy, but the public outcry against their actions must continue. We will not be distracted or discouraged from continuing to object to these humans rights violations.