Have You Ever Been To Earth?

Have You Ever Been To Earth?

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

Tags

More Posts from Dangerous-button and Others

1 month ago
Just Wanted To Share The National Down Syndrome Society’s Message For This Year’s World Down Syndrome

just wanted to share the National Down Syndrome Society’s message for this year’s World Down Syndrome Day (21st March) 💛💙


Tags
4 months ago
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024
December 26-29, 2024

December 26-29, 2024


Tags
3 weeks ago
The Stunning Astronomical Beadwork Of Native Artist Margaret Nazon
The Stunning Astronomical Beadwork Of Native Artist Margaret Nazon
The Stunning Astronomical Beadwork Of Native Artist Margaret Nazon
The Stunning Astronomical Beadwork Of Native Artist Margaret Nazon

The Stunning Astronomical Beadwork of Native Artist Margaret Nazon

Margaret Nazon has spent the past decade building intricate beadwork depictions of outer space. The colorful artworks balance representational and stylized aesthetics set on black fabric backgrounds to depict galaxies, planets, nebulae, and other astronomical phenomena.

Initially inspired by Hubble space telescope images, Nazon’s celestial renderings are part of a lifelong interest in beading. In an interview with Glenbow, the artist shared that she began beading at age 10, but found the density of traditional beadwork to be tedious.

The abstract nature of celestial images allows Nazon to be more interpretive and incorporate different materials like caribou bones and willow seeds that have location-specific or cultural significance. Nazon is Tsiigehtchic, part of the Gwich’in community in what is now the Northwest Territories of Canada. The artist explained that because she is retired, she is able to dedicate significant time to beading, and often rises at 4:30am to begin working. Nazon plans to continue experimenting, including merging her abstract beadwork with her seamstress skills to create artfully embellished apparel.

Nazon’s artwork was most recently exhibited at Glenbow in a group show, Cosmos, and A Beaded Universe at Prince of Wales Northern Heritage Centre. You can read more about her in the Glenbow interview, and explore Nazon’s portfolio on her website.

source article: X


Tags
7 months ago

hey. listen. when you use too much detergent in your laundry you aren't making your clothes cleaner, you are making them degrade faster. the machine isn't able to rinse out the entire cup of soap you put in, so some of it is left in the fibers of your clothes. when they dry this makes the fabric stiffer and more brittle, so the fibers are more likely to erode and break. over time this makes your clothes wear out much faster than if they were properly rinsed with minimal soap. you are wasting money by overusing detergent, not just on the detergent itself but the clothes you are shortening the lifespan of.


Tags
1 month ago
Tips for baking with arthritis and other hand-related chronic pain
King Arthur Baking
With some changes to techniques, a careful selection of kitchen tools, and tips from fellow bakers, the joy of baking can live on.

I luckily haven't had to deal with much chronic pain or hand pain yet, especially with regards to baking (crochet is another story). That said, these look like some pretty solid tips! There's also some in the comments section.


Tags
1 year ago

You are Vulnerable to Conspiracy Theories

Right now, with tensions high over the situation in Gaza, there is a prime environment for conspiracy theories to take hold. Conspiracy theories are particularly dangerous in places where there is low trust in media, a rapidly changing situation, and high emotional tensions. When humans are stressed and scared we look for answers, and most often the easiest and most comforting answer is to make a big bad guy that’s at fault for everything. Already, I’ve seen a number of false conspiracy theories that have alleged things like this. The most recent example was someone claiming spotify wrapped was released to drown out a pro-Palestine movement. This post ignored that Spotify wrapped is always released on Wednesday the week after thanksgiving. It’s the same time it always releases. I’ve seen half a dozen other ones about McDonald’s french fries or any other mundane corporate nonsense. I understand this is a very scary time, but this sort of thing isn’t helpful.

You are vulnerable to conspiracy theories. All human beings are vulnerable to them. They are actively dangerous and they harm actual efforts to confront the actual problems of the world, and a lot of them tie back to antisemitic ideas, blaming a jewish cabal that controls all the strings of the media/world. Spreading these conspiracy theories is not helpful to Palestine, and it actively endangers Jewish people. It means people’s efforts and anger is misdirected and makes the movement to help Palestine less effective. Every person has a responsibility to help prevent the spread of misinformation, and that includes you.

IF IN DOUBT, STOP, DON’T SHARE. DO NOT SHARE INFORMATION YOU CANNOT VERIFY.

Identifying conspiracy theories
European Commission
Identifying conspiracy theories

This is a guide put together by the European Commission for COVID-19 conspiracy theories, but the same basic principles hold true. I’ve added the two most relevant infographics below. Plain text versions of these can be found at the link above.

Flow chart for identifying conspiracy theories, plain text can be found at the link above.

ALT

Infographic explaining conspiracy theories, plain text can be found at the link above.

ALT

2 months ago

Two neurons sensing each other and trying to connect

Credit: @rockatscientist


Tags
8 months ago

hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak


Tags
2 months ago
Every Single Democratic Senator Voted For Marco Rubio As Sec Of State!

Every single Democratic Senator voted for Marco Rubio as Sec of State!

4 months ago
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.
"The Good War On Terror" Written By Christopher Hayes.

"The Good War on Terror" written by Christopher Hayes.

I will be producing a print 'zine of this in the coming months. Join my Monthly 'Zine Club to get the first copies automatically sent your way!

Loading...
End of content
No more pages to load
  • halfofacoffeebean
    halfofacoffeebean reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • halfofacoffeebean
    halfofacoffeebean liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • pyromon
    pyromon reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • stinkywritin
    stinkywritin reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • gaytrashley
    gaytrashley liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • calextis
    calextis reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • doodolled
    doodolled reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • doodolled
    doodolled liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • parkinglotgreenery
    parkinglotgreenery reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • au-drifter
    au-drifter liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • forthelg
    forthelg reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • icy-ennui
    icy-ennui reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • opossumfury
    opossumfury reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • marseny
    marseny reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • marseny
    marseny liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • soft-uwu-boi
    soft-uwu-boi reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • fandommusings
    fandommusings liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • stygeanbluebasilsprout
    stygeanbluebasilsprout reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • cabbageandstuff
    cabbageandstuff liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • toxic-emilia
    toxic-emilia liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • fizzydasoda
    fizzydasoda liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • ever-forward-ever-onward
    ever-forward-ever-onward reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • canterart
    canterart liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • randomblabdom
    randomblabdom liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • sillygooberblake
    sillygooberblake liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • starrbyt3
    starrbyt3 liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • nyxserpent
    nyxserpent reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • fuzzypeachcat
    fuzzypeachcat reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • neoncherris
    neoncherris reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • lumatotuwu
    lumatotuwu reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • lumatotuwu
    lumatotuwu liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • hearth-system
    hearth-system reblogged this · 3 weeks ago
  • hearth-system
    hearth-system liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • devilbimboy
    devilbimboy liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • klee-0
    klee-0 liked this · 3 weeks ago
  • urara04
    urara04 reblogged this · 4 weeks ago
  • average-dragon-enjoyer
    average-dragon-enjoyer liked this · 4 weeks ago
  • pawsshen
    pawsshen liked this · 4 weeks ago
  • onyx-plutos-moon
    onyx-plutos-moon reblogged this · 4 weeks ago
  • onyx-plutos-moon
    onyx-plutos-moon liked this · 4 weeks ago
  • discarded-like-your-roses
    discarded-like-your-roses reblogged this · 4 weeks ago
  • discarded-like-your-roses
    discarded-like-your-roses liked this · 4 weeks ago
  • always-devon
    always-devon reblogged this · 4 weeks ago
  • kagakutsukai
    kagakutsukai reblogged this · 4 weeks ago
  • kyriati
    kyriati reblogged this · 4 weeks ago
  • starrbyt3
    starrbyt3 reblogged this · 4 weeks ago
  • nythracwn
    nythracwn reblogged this · 1 month ago
  • vanquishedhydra
    vanquishedhydra reblogged this · 1 month ago
  • vanquishedhydra
    vanquishedhydra liked this · 1 month ago
  • dinolovingdragon
    dinolovingdragon reblogged this · 1 month ago
dangerous-button - buttons & bottleglass
buttons & bottleglass

the small reciprocities of crows

172 posts

Explore Tumblr Blog
Search Through Tumblr Tags