Nothing Matters, No One Cares. Who Wakes Up Screaming Out Your Name When You Are Gone? Nothing Matters,

aaaaaAAAAAAAAAA!i!

I want you to leave me alone in the darkness where nobody makes a sound

but I'm afraid of the loneliness the silence can be so fucking loud..

Let's be real; sometimes the flags and labels get confusing. This can be true for anyone, queer, or cishet, new to it, or a rainbow-veteran. And that's okay. I as a queer person am not obligated to know everything about gay subculture, it's imagery and language. More than that, no queer person should be expected to educate others about these matters. When they choose to do so, however, I advise you listen, even, no, especially where your views may differ. There is no absolute truth to these things in our quickly changing world. It is up to people themselves to choose the words they describe themselves with, and the imagery they feel best represents them. These things exist FOR them. For all of us, to communicate easier and feel safer, and more comfortable in our communities & our own skins. Not knowing the meaning of each slang word and color combination does not make anyone less valid. Using labels, and possibly changing them along the way to better fit, is good. Using a label that you feel describes you, even if someone disagrees, is okay. Choosing not to use labels at all is okay. These words are tools and you may use them however they best serve you. THAT IS THEIR PURPOSE.

I tell the truth more often than it seems.

people just tend not to take you seriously

when you talk about things in a tone™

with shining eyes & a manic smile..

I live in two worlds, always 100% convinced that the one I’m currently in is the ‘real one’ and the other’s a mind trick, a dream of sorts, and I have no way of telling when I’m right, if at all.

Don’t you just hate making decisions,

When there’s only bad options to pick?

2023

<- 2022

January

finished: 2 books +kids' stuff | avg. rating: 3.5 stars favorite: a 1954 Toivo Pekkanen -collection

February

finished: 3 books | avg. rating: 3.33..3 stars favorite: Kaikki tiet vie koomaan 2021 by Riina Aho, tho these were all thinkers in that bad-good way

March

finished: 4 books | avg. rating: 3.5 stars favorite: The Wicked Hour 2020 by Alice Blanchard ?

April

finished: 2 books | avg. rating: 3.5 stars favorite: The Ballad of Black Tom 2016 by Victor LaValle

May

finished: Tuliaiset Moskovasta 2009 by Matti Rönkä | 3 stars

June

finished: 2 poetry collections & a play | avg. rating: 3.66..67 stars favorite: Midsummer Night's Dream 1595 by William Shakespeare, specifically the Matti Rossi translation (Finnish)

July ???

August

finished: 2 books | avg. rating: 3 stars favorite: Minä-nainen 1961 by Siv Holm

September

finished/re-read: 3 books | avg. rating: 3.33..3 stars favorite: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe 1950 by C.S. Lewis

October

finished: Jääkaksoset 2015 by S.K. Tremayne | 4 stars this was recommended by one of my sisters, and I'm glad I had a story for the road, but damn

November

finished: 2 books | avg. rating: 3.5 stars favorite: Jane Eyre 1847 by Charlotte Brontë (but it's complicated)

December

finished: 2 books | avg. rating: 3 stars favorite: The Silver Chair 1953 by C.S. Lewis ?

~28/25 books finished. good year -lots of hits. let's see in 2024 I'll figure out more practical & satisfying ways to keep track

Goodreads

Some days I will look into the mirror and see a stranger. Or looking back at me might be someone I've been searching desperately on another day, yet now grieve to see. It is not that I'm a stranger to myself, my soul I know, but these expressions, they don't belong on a face I'd read as mine. This form betrays me. These feet can't carry, and this voice can't say.. it frustrates me. And I search. I run these fingertips across it, sometimes enjoying bits of it, sometimes wondering if there's somehow I might mold it to better fit. But the truth is there's nothing much wrong with the body. I might admire it even, were I not trapped in it. But it doesn't feel like it should belong to me, doesn't feel right on me.

I’m Homophobic

=really fucking afraid of other queer people