I have been ripped from the life I was building for myself once again. The dreams, the places I was getting to know, the people I was meeting, the future I was walking towards are gone.
My own body is fighting me. And my brain often times does not work. Without my brain, and ideas and dreams, who am I?
For my mother always described me as a Tsunami. Try to stop a Tsunami, is how she'd describe me when I'd had an idea. These days I feel like little more than a puddle.
These days are also the days that I unexpectedly get to spend months with my family. I get to go to my brother's graduation. I'm not halfway across the continent.
These days I get to enjoy my mother's cooking. I get to tell her more about out who I've become. And I find out about her.
These days my father, who has never been good with words, and who never actually wanted children, offers to pay for my motorcycle license once I feel better. If it helps, he says, I'll gladly pay for it.
These days, when my legs shake and I can suddenly barely walk, my dad will grab me. Hold me up. And pretend to dance with me through the living room.
These days I will be laughing so hard I cry. Instead of bawling my eyes out.
I do that too, sometimes. Because it's. Not. Fair.
But these days, and these moments would've never happened were I not sick.
It'll get better. And even if it doesn't, I can still make a happy life for myself
It's October now. And I'm back in the city
I long for the cold early morning. With fog covering the forest. Drinking tea on the porch staring at the bright yellow birch trees.
Swimming, naked, in a swirling mist, in water that's warmer than the air.
Curling up in an armchair with a book and a cup of hot chocolate.
Watching the moon and the stars, wrapped in thick jackets.
Exploring museums in long skirts and shalls.
Smelling the rain, on a cold walk in the forest.
Next October...
I am exceptionally lucky in that my parents never hit me, grounded me, confiscated my things, banned me from my hobbies or threatened any of these actions to make me behave as a kid. as an adult it has made me realise how very very long a road most people have to traverse before they can take a statement like 'no rule that must be enforced by threat is legitimate' seriously.
the way ivan aivazovsky looks at the sea…i think…i think that’s what love looks like.
A list I made just to satisfy my vain cravings for resonating mottos for a secret society I'm working on. Enjoy!
abi in malam crucem: to the devil with you!
ad astra per ardua: to the star by steep paths
ad augusta per angusta: to honors through difficulties
aegis fortissima virtus: virue is the strongest shield
amor vincit amnia: love conquers all things
animo et fide: by courage and faith
arbitrium est judicium: an award is a judgement
aut mors aut victoria: either death or victory
aut vincere aut mori: either victory or death
bello ac pace paratus: prepared in war and peace
bibamus, moriendum est: let us drink, death is certain (Seneca and Elder)
bonis omnia bona: all things are good to the good
cede nullis: yield to no one
cito maturum, cito putridum: soon ripe, soon rotten
consensus facit legem: consent makes law
data fata secutus: following what is decreed by fate (Virgil)
durum telum necessitas: necessity is a hrad weapson
dux vitae ratio: reason is the guide of life
e fungis nati homines: men born of mushrooms
ego sum, ergo omnia sunt: I am, therefore all things are
pulvis et umbra sumus: we are but dust and shadow
quae amissa salva: things lost are safe
timor mortis morte pejor: the fear of death is worse than death
triumpho morte tam vita: I triumph in death as in life
tu vincula frange: break your chains
vel prece vel pretio: for either love or for money
verbera, sed audi: whip me, but hear me
veritas temporis filia: truth is the daughter of time
vero nihil verius: nothing is truer than the truth
vestigia nulla restrorsum: foosteps do not go backward
victus vincimus: conquered, we conquer (Plautus)
sica inimicis: a gger to his enemies
sic vita humana: thus is human life
─── ・ 。゚☆: *.☽ .* . ───
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Reference: <Latin for the Illiterati: a modern guide to an ancient language> by Jon R. Stone, second edition, 2009
Shoutout to people with Functional Neurological Disorder
Shoutout to people with functional tics
Shoutout to people who have dystonia
Shoutout to people with Psychogenic non-epileptic seizures
Shoutout to people with paralysis and or weakness
Shoutout to people with tremors
Shoutout to people who shut down/unresponsive episodes
Shoutout to people who have walking difficulties
Shoutout to people who have numbness
Shoutout to people who have speech problems
Shoutout to people with vision problems
Shoutout to people with hearing problems
Shoutout to people with memory loss
Shoutout to everyone with FND
Well damn
U don’t rlly understand the need for poetry until you’re a girl who’s been astoundingly hurt by her father and can’t express it any other way
Fun ADHD hack is that you're allowed to just go to the library and reserve a study room for a couple of hours and make all your phone calls or whatever adult shit you need to do but can't because your house is for House Stuff and for some reason your brain has designated "phone calls for doctors and other such things" as School Adjacent and therefore refuses to do it in an insufficently academic environment. Like it's free. You can just do that.
My ancestors, watching me dump an entire stick of cinnamon, two cloves, an allspice berry, and a generous grating of nutmeg into my tea, sweetened with white sugar and loaded with cream, while I sit in my clean warm house surrounded by books, 25+ outfits for different occasions, and 6 pairs of shoes, in a building heated so well I have the windows open in mid-autumn:
Our daughter prospers. We are proud of her. She has never labored in a field but knows riches we could not have imagined.