You Can’t Outrun Grief No Matter How Hard You Try You Can’t Outrun Grief No Matter How Hard You Try

i can't fall asleep, but i can't stay awake and my body is so uncomfortable to be in

Tried to make a post about how much Christmas sucks, but it was mostly incoherent, so instead I’ll post the cliff notes version:

Having no parents on Christmas sucks. Having PTSD on Christmas sucks. Living with my aunt and uncle who make me feel on edge all the time because of how unpredictable their tempers are sucks. Spending Christmas with them sucks even more.

“Shawty so bad in the soul that my heart got a boner.”

A quote from my dear friend Bocephus

Recently I’ve been feeling so off, and it’s really starting to weigh on me. I know a lot, if not most, of my symptoms are caused by my own bad habits, but I just can’t stop giving into the facade of safety in familiar distractions.

The part that’s affecting me the most is the fact I have just not been able to feel anything for like. Days now. And I am usually a lot more neurotic, but I have just not been able to feel much of anything at all lately, and I’m not gonna lie it’s kind of scary. And the worst result of this apathy, is the fact that I seem to have nothing to say lately. I just feel so much less lively than usual. It’s harder to start and continue conversations with my friends, when I love talking to them more than anyone else, and I feel so because of it. I think I’m able to conceal it relatively well, at least I hope so, but I don’t know. This post also kind of negates the whole secret thing.

This is kind of stupid, I just didn’t have much to say when talking to some friends earlier and it made me sad. I feel so numb Aughh Aughh

May Sarton, The Poetry of May Sarton