My Mistress Is A Bumbling Idiot. She’s Been Seeing A Suitor Who Intends To Buy Her Hand In Marriage

My mistress is a bumbling idiot. She’s been seeing a suitor who intends to buy her hand in marriage from her father, but she’s told me quite clearly that she doesn’t think this man is right. As her devoted maid, I cannot let her be wed off to some scoundrel like him. But all my efforts to save her from him have been foiled by her clumsiness. When I brought the tray to them with the poisoned teacup closer to him, in a breach of etiquette she reached for the far teacup and took the poison for herself. When I poisoned his wine, her ring got caught on the tablecloth and knocked over his glass. When I set up the armoire to fall and crush him, she tripped on the rug and made it go off too early. Once I even rigged one of the chandeliers to fall on his spot, and right before it did she violated table manners, got up, grabbed his wrist, and dragged him to the window because she “thought she saw a stag outside.” A stag?! There weren’t even any woods visible from that window! And after all these foiled attempts she has the audacity to complain to me that marrying this man will ruin her life. As if seeing her with any man wouldn’t ruin mine!

More Posts from Catalystcorvid and Others

3 months ago

Feeding the Worms

Ever since I found out that earth worms have taste buds all over the delicate pink string of their bodies, I pause dropping apple peels into the compost bin, imagine the dark, writhing ecstasy, the sweetness of apples permeating their pores. I offer beets and parsley, avocado, and melon, the feathery tops of carrots. I’d always thought theirs a menial life, eyeless and hidden, almost vulgar–though now, it seems, they bear a pleasure so sublime, so decadent, I want to contribute however I can, forgetting, a moment, my place on the menu.

Bonfire Opera - Danusha Laméris


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3 months ago

Just finished a book in which some characters spent a lot of time on horses, and whenever they dismounted after riding all day, they were described as sinking to the floor because their legs can’t carry them anymore, or hobbling towards the nearest chair and collapsing onto it with their whole body aching. It was so ridiculous it took me out of the story every time. These are characters who live with horses and ride nearly every day. They should be fine. They’re good riders, there’s no reason for their legs to be painfully cramped after a day on the saddle. I feel like the author was trying to add realism but only went riding a few times and felt horribly stiff and sore afterwards and assumed that’s just how you feel after a day’s ride no matter what. I promise it’s not!! Your characters should be the kind of good-tired you feel after any other type of satisfying workout your muscles are used to. Drawing on your own experience to write characters that live very different lives is such a bad bet. Maybe someone did tell her it would no longer be so painful if she just kept practising and she dismissed it as obvious horse propaganda


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3 months ago

i may not have the magic words to fully express how i feel, but the world is better with trans women in it. my life is better with trans women in it. you are a warm light in the dark and your existence brings me and many others joy. you are my sisters and my dear friends. i love you and i'm glad you're here.

3 months ago

i want to coin a phrase that's the opposite of writer's block. call it the muse's fire hydrant. thirty thousand story ideas are being beamed directly into your brain and if you don't write them all at once you will die.

3 months ago

you should come within biting range. no reason


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4 months ago
Tag Meme!

Tag meme!

List 5 topics you can talk on for an hour without preparing any material.

Not including the obvious "my OCs/original works" and only allowing myself ONE video game for fun haha.

Disability activism

Music history (US centric admittedly)

Film production

Undertale/Deltarune

Doctor Who

Tagged by: @inspirationallybored, thank you ^_^ Tagging: @blissfullyunawares @daisywords @winterandwords @lazybats4wve @lamb-of-wrath @penpaperponderings @storyteller-kara


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4 months ago

Feeding the Worms

Ever since I found out that earth worms have taste buds all over the delicate pink string of their bodies, I pause dropping apple peels into the compost bin, imagine the dark, writhing ecstasy, the sweetness of apples permeating their pores. I offer beets and parsley, avocado, and melon, the feathery tops of carrots. I’d always thought theirs a menial life, eyeless and hidden, almost vulgar–though now, it seems, they bear a pleasure so sublime, so decadent, I want to contribute however I can, forgetting, a moment, my place on the menu.

Bonfire Opera - Danusha Laméris


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4 months ago
This Google Docs Template (created By Rukidut) Allows You To Create Wikipedia-inspired Biographies For

This google docs template (created by rukidut) allows you to create wikipedia-inspired biographies for your characters. you need to be logged in to edit it, but all you need to do is go to file > make a copy and you'll have your own version to do whatever you like with.

I've given it some minimal testing and found that the formatting doesn't transfer over to microsoft word, but that it can be saved as PDF with minimal issues.

Click here to try it out.


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4 months ago

Thinking

Don't you wish they would stop, all the thoughts swirling around in your head, bees in a hive, dancers tapping their way across the stage? I should rake the leaves in the carport, buy Christmas lights. Was there really life on Mars? What will I cook for dinner? I walk up the driveway, put out the garbage bins. I should stop using plastic bags, visit my friend whose husband just left her for the Swedish nanny. I wish I hadn't said Patrick's painting looked "ominous." Maybe that's why he hasn't called. Does the car need oil again? There's a hole in the ozone the size of Texas and everything seems to be speeding up. Come, let's stand by the window and look out at the light on the field. Let's watch how the clouds cover the sun and almost nothing stirs in the grass.

The Moons of August, Danusha Laméris


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catalystcorvid - Whimsy, creativity, delight.
Whimsy, creativity, delight.

Hi I'm Crow, a 20-something hobbyist writer with a renewed love of reading. I post writing snippets, poetry & quotes from books that I like, as well as useful resources I find around the net. Accessibility and accurate sourcing are a priority. If you see me online, do me a favor and tell me to log off and go work on my novel. Icon by Ghostssmoke.

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