Salamander’s Eyes Compliment Can Only Work Once In A Lifetime. It Just Did

Things I need more of in my life: Midwestern gothic/horror stories.

Barns with no doors that almost seem to breathe, their walls bending inward and outward every few seconds.

That one diner at the edge of town where the people you see through the windows on the outside are not the same as the ones inside.

That late night train that travels slowly across the tracks, steam leaking out of the closed doors of the cars. If you listen closely you can hear skittering inside them.

In the park there is a circle of dead grass right behind the swings and if you get close enough you can hear it whispering.

Fields of corn that rustle in the wind and anyone foolish enough to wander into them are never heard from again. Sometimes the farmers will find their shoes during the harvest.

Back roads that don’t make geographical sense. Sometimes you just get stuck in a curve for an hour only to find yourself a mile away from the nearest town afterwards.

Passing the same farm house five times in a row.

Never listen to the crows. Their secrets will alter you in terrible ways.

The scarecrows are always wearing new clothes whenever you see them, even when you take your eyes off them for only a moment.

Don’t ever mention the man who waves to you on your way to work every morning. Don’t mention that he’s been dead for ten years.

Never buy flowers from the flower shop on Main Street. You know the one: the doors are always open, even in winter, and you can smell the sweet scent of roses mixed with something rotting.

asoue Lemony: If I had been one of the Baudelaires myself, I would have stood at the edge of town for the rest of my life, whimpering with fear, rather than take even one step into the crow-covered streets...

atwq Lemony: "ha ha get scared later" and I proceeded to launch myself onto the outside of Hangfire's Murder Train

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writer survey question time:

inspired by seeing screencaps where the software is offering (terrible) style advice because I haven't used a software that has a grammar checker for my stories in like a decade

if you use multiple applications, pick the one you use most often.

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"There seems to have been a murder."

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Beware!

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My favourite Game Changer quotes in no particular order:

“Take my points, you twee bitch, take my points away!”

“TIMBS! TIMBS, BITCH!”

“I haven't been able to since the HRT.” / “That's so interesting; I have the opposite problem.”

“He wanted to see his son fall, fall from the sky, oh how CLOSE to the SUN he FLEW, but Daedalus our little master craftsman over here had some WAX WINGS OF HIS OWN–”

“The lady said butthole, Sam.”

“Beardsley left this for me.” / “But you voted them out!” / “I am aware of that, yes.”

“Call your dad! Call your dad!” / “Call his... Dad?”

“I'm hungie :(”

“My period started during the break and I am in immense pain right now. This is not a bit.”

“Hey! Timothy! You're not allowed on the street anymore, and you know why?” / “Why?” / “On account of the crimes!”

“Can I solve it? Can I solve the thing?” / “WHAT?” (...) “That was a real Jewel moment right there, to go to so far at the top from so far at the bottom.”

“If Ally Beardsley comes out with a crown on their head I'm going to lose it.”

“Yes, of course I flinched. I'm not gonna stand here and pretend I didn't flinch, that was terrifying.”

“Just give it to me now, we all know I can do this.”

“You're gonna get Josh Ruben in here and not give him a seagull to do? Okay.”

“There is a big difference between walking into an escape room and finding yourself inside one.”

“Zac is running down the street? Jacob is driving home, and Ally is on their way to the airport.”

“Byoooouh.”✋😐✋“Did you factor in the antlers?”

“I am also 31. It's important to know there are three men in their thirties here today.”

“I think... You did this, and you're a bad man.”

“Was it writing Katie's name down and letting everyone think it was the art department?”

“The dungeon master is now my prisoner, it's Brennan Lee Mulligan!”

“There's gonna be a loop-de-loop.”

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mary maclane, the story of mary maclane / pierre bonnard - jeune femme écrivant, 1908 / louise fitzhugh, harriet the spy / phil grey - two photos from will self’s writing room: a 360 degree view in 71 photos, 2007 / tom astor - susie boyt’s notebooks, 2018 / stephen king, on writing / jill krementz - stephen king at his home office with his corgi marlowe, 1995 / joan didion - “on keeping a notebook” / wayne miller - author and poet maya angelou, 1974 / photo of sylvia plath from the everett collection / anne carson in a 2016 interview with NPR / octavia butler’s motivational notes to self / jim carroll, the basketball diaries / benjamin garcia - writing painting, 2012 / wayne pascal - writer’s block, 2019 / louisa may alcott, little women / little women (2019) / mary shelley (2017) / dickinson (2019) / anne lamott, bird by bird

on writing

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Pasta is great. It’s like hey, let me take delicious things like butter,or meat, or tomatoes or basil and then let me just fuckin mix whatever the fuck i want in and combine it with some random ass noodles.  That’s basically pasta.  BUT, there’s a big difference between “basically pasta” and “holy shit food of the gods” pasta, and that is that the latter has some rules that must be followed.  10 PASTA COMMANDMENTS COMIN UP:

Always boil pasta in boiling SALTED water. Ever had a dish where you forgot to salt it before cooking it, and no matter how much seasoning you did post saute/sear, it still sort of tasted bland on the inside? Same goes for pasta. Your sauce could be fuckin on point, but if you don’t salt dat pasta water, ya fugged, bruh. 

Always have your sauce ready BEFORE the pasta. Pestos, emulsified butter sauces, bolognese sauces, they should be in their respective sauce pans, heated and ready to go (unless we’re takin pesto or carbonarashit, as those go bad with heat). The worst thing you could do is fuck up and overcook your delicious pasta bc you were too busy making or finishing up your sauce. 

Always TASTE your pasta. I don’t care if the package says it’s ready in 1 minute or an hour, taste your pasta from the boiling water at least 2 minutes in, and every 2 minutes after that. Al dente’s usually the way to go, but you’ll never know when to take it out if you’re not constantly tasting. 

DO NOT strain your pasta, wasting your pasta water and allowing your pasta to cool. Use tongs to take pasta straight up form the boiling water (don’t dry it, nerds) and throw it in your sauce. A little pasta water gets in? no probs, and I’ll tell you why. 

If your sauce is reducing too much, or it’s too tight, add pasta water. It’s salted and hot and ready to go, it won’t dilute the flavor at all, you’re golden duude. golden. 

Finish your pasta in the sauce, allow it to become homogenous, let the sauce stick to the pasta, BECOME ONE WITH THE PASTA BRUH. 

Add cheese last, because cheese get’s weird and fucked up in hot pans, so it’s best to throw that on right before you’re ready to eat that shit up. 

4 oz is a normal serving size for pasta. If you don’t have a scale, that’s basically like the first pic above. If you hold the pasta like such, and the width of the bunch is a little smaller than an american quarter, then ur good 2 go bruh. 

Dry pastas are not better/worse than fresh pasta. They’re legit just made with different flours using different procedures. One isn’t ‘fancier’ than the other u pretentious buttrockets. 

PASTA IS NOT SCARY, IT’S DELICIOUS. These rules look tough, but honestly it’s not that bad bruh. I believe in u. 

and now, onto the recipe I used for my pasta. It’s a restaurant favorite, we always make it on the line because it’s simple, delicious and super filling. 

~

Caciopepe Pasta serves: 1 (lol like id share this with ppl lolol) -

Ingredients-

salt water for boiling (just salt some water, don’t fuckin travel to the beach in hopes of created the most bomb pasta ever)

1 bunch of pasta

2 bay leaves

1 sprig thyme

cold butter (approximately 2/3 cups cut into small pads

parmesan cheese to taste

a shit ton of black pepper to taste

-

Procedure-

Throw some pasta into some boiling water and do that thing where you constantly taste test the pasta to see if it’s ready. In the meantime, make ur sauce u lazy bumbum.

Add a little boiling pasta water to a saute pan over low heat, and whisk/mix in the butter quickly till it’s creamy and emulsified. If it’s too thick, just whisk in a teeny bit of pasta water. Add 2 bay leaves and a sprig of thyme for aroma, remove when pasta’s ready. 

Once the pasta’s ready to rock and roll, use tongs to scoop it up and place it in the sauce. Flip and mix using tongs. Add cheese and crack a lot of pepper. Add salt if it needs seasoning, add more pasta water if the sauce tightens.

and bam, ya ready to roll. 

~ I promise u if you use these pasta techniques, people will think ur literally a GOD. ur welcs. 

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Fantasy Book Rec Masterpost

Here is every fantasy book I’ve ever enjoyed (plus some short stories thrown in). List will be updated regularly as I read. There are books repeated as some fit into more than one category; I designed it this way so that if you’re looking for one specific sub-genre you can look at just that list and not miss out. Enjoy!

*last edited November 27, 2017*

High Fantasy

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

The Prophecy of the Stones by Flavia Bujor

The Seven Realms series by Cinda Williams Chima

Uprooted by Naomi Novik

The Shades of Magic Series by V.E. Schwab (sort of)

The Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini

Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

The Land of Elyon Series by Patrick Carman

The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale

Redwall by Brian Jacques

Deerskin by Robin McKinley

The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley

The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley

Flamecaster by Cinda Williams Chima

Down-the-Rabbit-Hole

Coraline by Neil Gaiman

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

Stardust by Neil Gaiman

The Spindlers by Lauren Oliver

UnLunDun by China Miéville

The Inkheart series by Cornelia Funke

Gregor the Overlander series by Suzanne Collins

The May Bird series by Jodi Lynn Anderson

The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

Magic in the Real World (sometimes called fabulism)

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater

The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black

The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

The Spiderwick Chronicles by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi

The Magician Trilogy by Jenny Nimmo

The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke

Half Magic by Edward Eager

Urban Fantasy

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

UnLunDun by China Miéville

Fairy Tale Retellings

Snow, Glass, Apples by Neil Gaiman (short story)

Through the Woods by Emily Carroll

Rags and Bones edited by Melissa Marr and Tim Pratt

My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me edited by Kate Bernheimer (this one is a very mixed bag but i really enjoyed some of the stories

The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories by Angela Carter

The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale

Deerskin by Robin McKinley

The White Road by Neil Gaiman (short story)

Dragons

The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley

The Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini

The Girl Who Drank The Moon by Kelly Barnhill

Flamecaster by Cinda Williams Chima

Fairies

The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black

The Spiderwick Chronicles by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi

The Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer

Ghosts

Ghostly edited by Audrey Niffenegger

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

The May Bird series by Jodi Lynn Anderson

Witches and Wizards

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

The Thickety series by J.A. White

The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill

Vampires

Fifteen Painted Cards from a Vampire Tarot by Neil Gaiman (short story)

Other Magical Creatures

Unnatural Creatures edited by Neil Gaiman

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

The Spiderwick Chronicles by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi

Pretty Monsters by Kelly Link

The Smile on the Face by Nalo Hopkinson (short story)

Intelligent Animal Characters (may not be fantasy exactly but close enough)

Watership Down by Richard Adams

The Plague Dogs by Richard Adams

Redwall by Brian Jacques

The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo

Enchanted Forests

Uprooted by Naomi Novik

The Thickety series by J.A. White

The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black

Graphic Novels/Illustrated

The Truth is a Cave in the Black Mountains by Neil Gaiman (also short story and audio versions available)

Instructions by Neil Gaiman

Through the Woods by Emily Carroll

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

Short Story Collections

Ghostly edited by Audrey Niffenegger

Stories edited by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio

Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman

Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman

Unnatural Creatures edited by Neil Gaiman

Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman

Pretty Monsters by Kelly Link

Rags and Bones edited by Melissa Marr and Tim Pratt

My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me edited by Kate Bernheimer

The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories by Angela Carter

The Language of Thorns by Leigh Bardugo

YA

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater

The Prophecy of the Stones by Flavia Bujor

The Seven Realms series by Cinda Williams Chima

The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black

The Shades of Magic Series by V.E. Schwab

The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater

Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

Flamecaster by Cinda Williams Chima

Middle Grade

Coraline by Neil Gaiman

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

The Spindlers by Lauren Oliver

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

UnLunDun by China Miéville

The Land of Elyon Series by Patrick Carman

The Spiderwick Chronicles by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi

The Magician Trilogy by Jenny Nimmo

Pretty Monsters by Kelly Link

The Inkheart series by Cornelia Funke (sort of in between middle and YA)

The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke

The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale (again, could be considered YA)

Gregor the Overlander series by Suzanne Collins

The May Bird series by Jodi Lynn Anderson

The Thickety series by J.A. White

The Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer

Redwall by Brian Jacques

Half Magic by Edward Eager

The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo

The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill

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Okay, this never happens. I just sat down for a solid 3 and a half hours and wrote a fic from start to end in a draft format that closely resembles mid-draft as opposed to first draft. My concentration never wavered.

I’m afraid