Love How Tumblr Has Its Own Folk Stories. Yeah The God Of Arepo We’ve All Heard The Story And We All

John Wick Chapter 4 Spoilers Without Context

cowboys be like "nah that feller is just a companion to keep the trail a bit less lonely & a lot less dangerous" & then ride funny in the saddle the next 2 days

Superman introducing Battinson Bruce to his parents though.

Ma and Pa Kent open the door, ready to meet their boy’s new bf, but it’s only Clark on the porch.

Clark: :D

Ma: Hi, honey. Where is your boy?

And then, peeking around the door frame, is Bruce in a suit and long wool coat, gaunt, squinting against the sun.

Bruce: hi it’s nice to meet you I’m Bruce

Pa: Oh, you didn’t have to get all dressed up to meet us!

Bruce: Mybutlermademe

Ma: Butler? Mercy, Clark, where did you find this one?

—

Clark disappears into the kitchen to help Ma with dinner, leaving Bruce and Pa sitting in the front room watching a baseball game. Bruce is sitting in an armchair, stiff as a board, anxiety level 100.

Pa: So Clark tells me you do the same sort of thing he does? Swoop around and help folks and such?

Bruce, blurting out the first thing that comes to mind: I can’t fly.

Pa: Wh—Okay?

Bruce: I am a bat but I can’t fly. Not without my Wingsuit.

Pa:…

Bruce, realizing what he just said: never mind

Pa, turning back to the tv: So how about them Yankees?

—

Ma: And this is our chicken coop. It’s a little musty, but Clark comes by to help tidy up once a week.

Bruce: *observing*

Ma: There’s this got-dang coyote—

Bruce, pointing at the corner: The coyote that’s been eating your chickens is burrowing under there. Reinforce it.

Ma:…I love you.

—

Pa: So what’s it like in Gotham?

Bruce, hunching over: The city is overrun with crime. Darkness lurks in every corner. We have an average twelve days of sun a year. Recently there has been a noxious cloud of gas hanging over the city center. I perch myself on my tower to observe. I become part of the building. I am a gargoyle.

Pa:…

Pa: Do you like living there?

Bruce, whispering fiercely: iloveit

—

Clark, flying Bruce back home: My parents love you.

Bruce: okay

Clark: They’re convinced you’re a cryptid that’s latched onto my soul, though.

Watch out for children!

So listen i have this book coming out in uhhh 10 days and I am Worried about it, because it is a Comedy, and comedy is really hard to market (why????? it's funny pirates, what's not to like??) even when it is, yanno, normal mainstream comedy.

It is even worse when it is Unhinged Comedy That's Mostly Going To Be Funny To People On Tumblr. (For example, the main character being a supreme gremlin made of 90% memes by weight (examples: carries around a bag that is never called anything but his "little rucksack"; has a near-verbatim "stick me legy out real far" moment; talks about his metaphorical "orphan gruel bowl" which is a direct reference to that one Oliver Twist gif) because those are funny to me personally.) Unhinged Tumblr Comedy is difficult because tumblr is not a platform where it is easy to market things to people, because we are generally violently anti-capitalist and LOATHE advertisements and reflexively resist being marketed to for most anything. I LOVE that about this website. Except for right now, because I have bills to pay and a cat to feed. So look, fellow tumblr gremlins, I am just trying to say that if your personal brand of comedy is laughing at the kind of jokes that could only be produced on this hell website, and:

you like pirates

you're queer and want to read more books by queer authors

you want your fictional queer characters to be a hell of a lot more Messy and Unhinged than they often are depicted as being

you're interested in seeing a love triangle (M/M/NB) that resolves into polyamory

you want books where the hottest character gets to makes Passionate Speeches about rebelling against oppressive institutional regimes like governments and organized religions

you believe that capitalism is the most oppressive institutional regime of them all

you think it's fun when two characters have been in a 15-year-long relationship where the vibes have been "We're Newly Divorced" nearly since day one

you believe that All Cops Are Bastards and want to know what to do when you get pulled over by the boat cops

you think the Great British Bake-Off would be improved with weaponry, ritualized bribery/coercion of judges, and elaborate shit-talk

then this book might be for you. Beneath the wall-to-wall hijinks, it is political and it is righteously angry and it is the funniest thing I have ever written (which is saying something, because I have written some funny shit). It's called RUNNING CLOSE TO THE WIND. Here's a picture of it.

If all that sounds cool, you can read a review of it here and the first chapter of it here to see if it as funny as I am claiming it is, and then if you think that it is, you can preorder it here. It comes out on June 11! Ten days from now!

Thank you for letting me market to you for a minute. Signal boosting would be very much appreciated.

Translation: WHAT?!? You egg!!

considering the manor is completely massive and the only person who spends more than a few consecutive hours there at a time is probably Alfred, i think it would be funny if after the pit, Jason decides after everything he's been through that he can't be bothered to do the whole revenge thing, or sort out safe houses or get an apartment and instead just decides to kill the joker himself and just... secretly go home.

like, as long as he kept an ear out to make sure he wasn't eating in the dining room when Bruce comes down, he could probably get away with walking around without ever being caught. Alfred would find out, i assume, but i think knowing how complicated Jasons emotions towards Bruce are right now, he'd keep it quiet and just be happy that the one other person he trusts to leave alone in the kitchen is finally back. And then, of course, there's the kids.

Damian knew from the beginning. Not because he's especially observant, but because this is his big brother from the league and the first night he spent at the manor Jason crawled through his window in full Red Hood gear and told him not to snitch. Considering that in the league Jason once snuck up behind Ra's and shaved a strip of hair off the back of his head, Damian decides there's far stupider shit the guy could be doing and leaves it be.

Tim finds out next. admittedly, the only reason he finds out is because Jason thought he knew and just stopped attempting to avoid him. in reality, what happened was Tim, having not slept for three days and living off nothing but spite and coffee, accidentally walked in on Jason cooking in the middle of the night, and immediately wrote it off as a hallucination. Jason, seeing Tim find him in the manor and not react badly, decided that 'oh, the replacement must just be chill i guess' and mentally pencilled him in as another person in the building that he can be seen by. it came to a head when a few days later Damian was forced by Jason to invite Tim out with them on their weekly 'eat junk food and talk shit about the rest of the family' outings, since he was a part of the group now. Tim cries.

Dick only finds out because Tim and Damian keep forgetting that Jason isn't supposed to be talked about in public. there comes a point where Tim rips Dick's favourite sweater and when Dick confronts him about it, Tim panics and blurts out 'it wasn't me, must have been jason!', and upon seeing Dick's face, Damian smacks him and grumbles 'good job Drake, now we have to show him Todd or he'll cry again.'. Jason is not overly happy when he sneaks through his bedroom window after going out as Red Hood and finds a sobbing Dick sat on his bed, Tim staring at the ground looking very ashamed while Damian straight face points at Tim to make it clear that this was Not His Fault.

after realising literally everyone in the house sans Bruce knows he's there, Jason decides to just. stop hiding. the fact is that he wasn't trying that hard in the first place, and Bruce still didn't have a clue, so he kinda wants to see how long it takes the 'world's greatest detective' to realise his dead kid is just. back.

so he stops hiding. starts showing up for family meals, starts being more friendly with the bats as Red Hood, and they all wait to see what finally tips Bruce off.

they forget how fucking stupid this man can be.

because if Jason had gone up to Bruce and done some sort of dramatic or emotional reveal then sure, Bruce would be shocked. he'd freak out. but the fact is that Bruce has both Batman and Brucie Wayne to keep up with. He's barely paying attention to his own feet while walking, let alone the people around him.

so when Jason starts showing up and acting like nothings changed, and literally nobody else in the house acts like anything's different either? Bruce straight up forgets that Jason's supposed to be dead. His mind just registers 'oh there are his kids, fighting like usual', and forgets to take in whether or not those kids are SUPPOSED to be ALIVE.

the kids find it fucking fascinating. Jason can actually have conversations with Bruce at the dinner table, and Bruce doesn't even realise that this is a wild fucking thing to be happening. Tim starts laughing at him and Bruce gets confused, only making the poor kid laugh harder. Jason just can't believe he actually bothered putting effort into hiding when he first came back. Damian's respect for his father diminishes every day.

it becomes a game, to see how far it will go. at one point Dick straight up asks who was better as Robin, him or Jason, in an attempt to jog his memory, and Bruce without looking up from the batcomputer goes 'you were both equally good, stop trying to start competitions with your brother'. Dick throws his hands up in the air and Jason, who has been sat on top of his own fucking memorial case to watch this shit show for the past 20 minutes, slow claps.

it's only after like a month of this that half way through a casual family breakfast, Damian asks Jason to pass him the orange juice or something, and Bruce finally has the fucking moment of

he never lives it down.

I just had the voice from the VHS that said coming soon stuck in my head repeatedly saying coming soon this fall over and over and it couldn’t stop.

foldingfacets DPxDC fic masterlist

Multi-Chaptered Fics

Bus to Nowhere I Just Wanna Talk Life Alert (PeePaw, please, I'm begging) Death Throes (Danny/Grundy - Dandy) Break-Ins At Three, Breakthroughs At Four (Jazz/Jason - Anger Management) Several Degrees of History (Lancer/Clark/Slade - Banned Books) Hopeful Life of Death (mind the tags) Partially Temporal, Partially Temperamental Caught Before The Fall (mind the tags - Dick/Clockwork - Golden Age) Brides, Birds, and Batshit Family Matters (Wives Fic)

One Shots

Our Love Will Last Us (mind the tags - Dani/Mar'i - Space Princess) Gotham Circusa - Wait, That's Not It (Dick/Danny - Green Elephant) Catching Snowflakes With Your Tongue (Bizarro/Klemper - Playdate) Peace, Quiet, and Another God Damn Superhero (Lancer/Clark - Literacy) Can't Hack My Heart (Roy/Tucker/Skulker - Technical Experts) Scavenged My Love Among The Ruins (mind the tags - Bart/Dan - Doomed Timelines) Lightning Through My Neck, And I've Found You (Danny/Grundy - Dandy)

Series

foldingfacets DPxDC Ship Week 2023 Break-Ins At Three, Breakthroughs At Four (mind the tags)