Me Flirting

Just ate a box of cold chicken nuggets. 621 kcals and 48 grams of protein. I'm an unstable mf Binger, but atleast im hitting that protein goal.

I hate how my ridiculous obsession with him makes me feel such hatred towards a girl that has done nothing to me. My eyes glazed over her and my mind started automatically fantasizing about killing her. Seeing the fear in her eyes. Even when it wont being me closer to him a part of me would see it as a win, I hate that.

My life has suddenly become so empty. It was empty before, but I didn't feel it. Now I feel it.

Nothing interests me, i can barely even malasaptive daydream anymore, not even scrolling on media is unappealing most of the time. I do nothing other than binging and fantazising about him and suicide, both things I year for so much but can't have. Both fantazises so unfilling.

Ffs obviously my mother enters the room next to me just a little while before I planned to start cutting. I can't risk her walking in to me cutting myself. She asked me how I was and I told her so and so. And she told me that she misses the girl who would enjoy being sometimes and asked how she could change my current situation. I do put in effort to not show how bad I feel to my parents, I suppress my tears, screams and breakdowns, but I guess that's not enough. I have to start smiling, being happy and joyful. I don't know if I can.

Also now I'll have to cut myself in the school bathroom tomorrow which is like 2 times harder than at home, I wish I was good at cutting myself, but I can't do anything right.

It's gotten to the point where I can't blame my incompetence on my age anymore. I've realized im just incompetent. Not as an excuse rather as in I'm just dumber, less progressed, weak, specifically too weak to cope with life overall. It feels like I won't ever be a fully or well functioning part of society.

When my mom said, it can't be that tiring it's everyday life, that cut deep.

Not denying it anymore. I am manipulative! I am problematic! Love me!!

Madame, I know this is a weird question and you would probably insult me if/when you would read my words but, Are you ok? Do you need someone to talk with? I know I shouldn't write this because It's totally not my business, I apologize, have a great day. 🤍

Don't worry I won't insult you, that's a nice thing of you to ask. But to answer your questions, no and maybe (probably yeah). I hope you have a great day or night aswell <3

So hard to choose eating well so that my mind could actually focus over starving and romanticizing my misery.

But since I'll binge when I do the latter I'll be fat and disgusting either way.