She Is A Lesbian To Me ❤️ And Also My Soulmate!

she is a lesbian to me ❤️ and also my soulmate!

Sansa Stark is a lesbian and here’s why:

So, in honor of sapphicsansafest, I’m making a meta master post about why I believe Sansa is a lesbian. This will include a few quotes and I’m going to separate it into a few sections.

Sansa’s descriptions of other women:

“The queen was drinking heavily, but the wine only seemed to make her more beautiful; her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes had a bright, feverish heat to them as she looked down over the hall. Eyes of wildfire, Sansa thought.”

Even when Sansa hates Cersei, her descriptions of her are always focused around her beauty. The way she describes her eyes and cheeks is also similar to the way the men that are attracted to Cersei describe her.

“Twenty mules awaited them within the waycastle, along with two mule-walkers and the Lady Myranda Royce. Lord Nestor’s daughter proved to be a short, fleshy woman, of an age with Mya Stone, but where Mya was slim and sinewy, Myranda was soft-bodied and sweet-smelling, broad of hip, thick of waist, and extremely buxom. Her thick chestnut curls framed round red cheeks, a small mouth, and a pair of lively brown eyes.”

Similarly, her description of Myranda is very focused around her looks and specific details like her being “sweet smelling” and “extremely buxom” seem to point towards Sansa being attracted to Margaery. Once again Sansa’s descriptions of women mimic the way straight men describe them. Sansa’s interactions with Myranda are something I'll comment on later.

“Sansa had never been this close to the Dornishwoman before. She is not truly beautiful, she thought, but something about her draws the eye.”

Her description of Ellaria is also interesting as it helps show that the way Sansa thinks about women isn’t solely an aesthetic appreciation. She also enjoys the way unconventionally attractive women look.

“Slim and sinewy, Mya looked as tough as the old riding leathers she wore beneath her silvery ringmail shirt. Her hair was black as a raven's wing, so short and shaggy that Alayne suspected that she cut it with a dagger. Mya's eyes were her best feature, big and blue. She could be pretty, if she would dress up like a girl. Alayne found herself wondering whether Ser Lothor liked her best in her iron and leather, or dreamed of her gowned in lace and silk.”

This might be the best example of Sansa’s attraction to women. She once again thinks about the beauty of a woman who isn’t conventionally attractive and she even comments on her eyes. She then contextualizes her attraction by convincing herself that she’s thinking from a man’s perspective. In reality though she’s thinking about how Mya looks her best to her and is unable to really think of that because it's not considered proper.

“When Margaery Tyrell smiled, she looked very like her brother Loras.”

This one is pretty self explanatory. She thinks of how lovely Margaery looks repeatedly and when Margaery is admirable and happy, she once again contextualizes her attraction by bringing a man into the picture.

My thoughts on her “crushes” on men:

Now, her 3 real crushes in the books are Joffrey Baratheon, Loras Tyrell, and Waymar Royce. They all follow a very similar template. Men straight out of the songs and stories that Sansa loves.

“Sansa did not really know Joffrey yet, but she was already in love with him. He was all she ever dreamt her prince should be, tall and handsome and strong, with hair like gold.”

And

“Joffrey smiled and kissed her hand, handsome and gallant as any prince in the songs.”

Joffrey is someone Sansa likes because he’s the prince out of songs, the idealized prince in the stories. And Sansa loves songs and stories so she thinks she loves Joffrey. When she comments on Joffrey’s beauty, it’s almost always in the context of songs or stories. He’s also the easiest crush, her betrothed who she has to learn to love.

“Ser Gregor was the monster and Ser Loras the true hero who would slay him. He even looked a true hero, so slim and beautiful, with golden roses around his slender waist and his rich brown hair tumbling down into his eyes.”

And

“Wed to Ser Loras, oh . . . Sansa's breath caught in her throat. She remembered Ser Loras in his sparkling sapphire armor, tossing her a rose. Ser Loras in white silk, so pure, innocent, beautiful.”

Loras is also an ideal out of the songs. Sansa says it herself. He’s the hero she wants. She always thinks of him in that context. It makes sense that she crushes on him. He’s a safe easy crush. It’s like the asoiaf equivalent of crushing on some guy in a boyband.

Sansa’s interactions with Margaery

“You will love Highgarden as I do, I know it.” Margaery brushed back a loose strand of Sansa’s hair. “Once you see it, you’ll never want to leave. And perhaps you won’t have to.”

The way Margaery tries to appeal to Sansa and talk to her almost echoes a flirtation. Pushing a strand of hair behind someone’s ear is a textbook romantic move. And the persuasion relies on Sansa liking Margaery and is all about finding love.

“”Margaery’s kindness had been unfailing, and her presence changed everything.”

The way Sansa thinks of Margaery is quite striking and loving. It is as though Margaery was this big important force in Sansa’s life.

“Margaery was different, though. Sweet and gentle, yet there was a little of her grandmother in her, too. The day before last she’d taken Sansa hawking.”

Sansa also goes on what pretty much amounts to dates with Margaery. And the sentiment of Margaery being different is very similar to Arya’s thoughts on Gendry: “Only Gendry was different” and their relationship is often considered to have romantic undertones. It’s also interesting that gentle is used to describe Margaery when that is one of the words Ned used to describe Sansa’s future romance.

“She is so brave, Sansa thought, galloping after her.”

Sansa clearly admires Margaery immensely and her thoughts are always complimentary. She clearly crushes on her.

Sansa’s interactions with Myranda:

And you must be the Lord Protector’s daughter,” she added, as the bucket went rattling back up to the Eyrie. “I had heard that you were beautiful. I see that it is true.”

Alayne curtsied. “My lady is kind to say so.”

“Kind?” The older girl gave a laugh. “How boring that would be. I aspire to be wicked. You must tell me all your secrets on the ride down. May I call you Alayne?”

The complimenting of Sansa’s beauty is another common trope in flirtation. And the way she interacts is very sexual and ostentatious. It’s flirty. And asking to call someone by their first name is also a romantic trope.

“Randa. It seems a hundred years since I was four-and-ten. How innocent I was. Are you still innocent, Alayne?”

She blushed. “You should not ... yes, of course.”

Sansa is nervous around Myranda in a way she’s not around men. She even blushes. Myranda is also directly questioning Sansa about her sexual experience.

“Despite herself, Alayne found herself warming to the older girl.”

She starts developing a crush.

“She is trying to make me blush again.

Lady Myranda must have heard her thoughts. “You do turn such a pretty shade of pink. When I blush I look quite like an apple. I have not blushed for years, though.” She leaned closer.”

Once again, this is super flirty and seductive. She’s complimenting Sansa on her blush and implying her own experience. This whole conversation is ripe with that stuff.

“She ate with Mya and Myranda. “So you’re brave as well as beautiful,” Myranda said to her.

“No.” The compliment made her blush. “I’m not. I was so scared. I don’t think I could have crossed without Lord Robert.”

Once again Sansa blushes at Myranda’s comments.

“By the time they finally reached her father’s castle, Lady Myranda was drowsing too, and Alayne was dreaming of her bed.”

This is some interesting word play. It might not be intentional but ships like Braime have similar lines.

And a few miscellaneous/bonus things:

“Septa Mordane said all men are beautiful, find his beauty, try.”

This is how Sansa thinks about Tyrion. She’s a child forcibly married to him so she’d probably judge him harshly regardless but this phrasing struck me. It’s very similar to the way lgbtq people are often told to try to love another gender even if they cannot. And the way Septa Mordane taught Sansa about attraction and gender obviously has a huge influence on her perception of her own sexuality.

“When a serving girl brought her supper, she almost kissed her.”

And this is Sansa thinking about kissing a girl.

“I am coming for you, Lady Sansa, she thought as she rode into the darkness. Be not afraid. I shall not rest until I've found you.”

The fact that the true knight Sansa wishes for, the hero out of the stories, the romantic trope is Brienne, a woman, has some awesome queer implications. Even if her relationship with Brienne isn’t really a romantic one, it certainly fits the idea of courtly love.

How the Duffers likely will make the general audience AWARE of Byler and CHEER for Byler

First the TL;DR:

The Painting Lie

Will comes out to Mike

Will gets bullied for being gay

Mike and Will face danger together, alone, for the 1st time

And I'll spell out exactly how and why!

We in the Byler fandom have our theories: Flickergate, Lettergate, Churchgate, etc. While totally fun and while it would be amazing if they became reality, they don't answer the question of how the Duffers would manage audience expectations to make them accept and cheer for Byler.

Because we all know the reality: on a surface level, season 4 ended with a grand "love confession" from Mike to El. It appeared to have culminated a four-year arc that started from show's beginning. For the vast majority of viewers, a Byler relationship will be a HUGE SURPRISE.

This isn't just heteronormativity; it's also the fact that in EVERY slow-burn romantic relationship in fiction, you need to make the audience start to wonder "Will they or won't they?" for a while first. The audience needs to start thinking that these 2 characters (1) MIGHT be together, and (2) eventually that they SHOULD be together and cheer for them!

For Jonathan and Nancy, there were a lot of moments suggesting they MIGHT be together in Season 1. Then in Season 2, we had THIS episode that made the audience think Nancy absolutely SHOULD be with Jonathan instead of Steve:

How The Duffers Likely Will Make The General Audience AWARE Of Byler And CHEER For Byler

Anti-Bylers raise a fair point that there "isn't enough time" to replace a relationship that seemed to have been "fulfilled" at the end of s4, with an entirely different one. Of course, the ground has been laid for four seasons, but HOW EXACTLY can the Duffers make the audience accept and cheer for Byler, after seeming to have "built up Mike and El for 4 seasons"?

Showing Byler is POSSIBLE:

The most obvious (and elegant) way for the Duffers to accomplish this is the Painting Lie.

The main things that make the General Audience/GA dismiss the possibility that Mike likes Will back are (1) he confessed "I love you" to El and (2) he said "it's not my fault you don't like girls" and so can't be gay or bi.

The show has to address that, and there are ways that are pretty obvious.

The fact that El had no role in the painting COMPLETELY undercuts the "I love you" confession in the GA's mind. Anti-Milevens completely underestimate how this will affect Mike and El's relationship, and how the audience views it. Many things Mike said didn't apply to El, but applied to Will.

When El finds out, she'll realize that Mike only said he loved her based on a LIE. She'll realize that she clocked Mike for not loving her when they argued in s4. Mike might desperately try to repair things, but this will show the GA that Mike and El WILL PROBABLY NOT end up together.

And Mike will be confronted with the fact that he felt romantic love because Will described HIMSELF. This will show the GA that Mike and Will MIGHT be together.

Then there's the OTHER Chekhov's gun that needs to fire: Will comes out to Mike. Will is still in the closet at the end of s4. This HAS to be resolved. And he HAS to come out to his mom and his best friend.

When he comes out to Mike, he of course won't spurn Will. Will likely explains he was afraid Mike would be homophobic because of what he said that one summer, "It's not my fault you don't like girls":

Mike will need to explain why he said that. Whether he's honest or comes up with an excuse, it's a golden opportunity to get the GA to revisit that scene and think that Mike might have been lashing out due to his internalized homophobia.

We've been told that Season 5 returns to Season 1 themes. The Core Four are probably bullied for the Hellfire Club, and Will might be bullied for being gay. Since Mike and Will are attached at the hip, the same accusation might extend to Mike. This would force Mike to have to CHOOSE to stand up to the bullying. (This might be the reason we have a BTS pic of Mike with a bruise on his face) It could strongly hint that Mike is standing up not only for Will, but also for himself. And it could clearly parallel Jonathan fighting Steve in s1, which showed Nancy that "only love makes you that crazy sweetheart, and that damn stupid."

Once the GA sees the POSSIBILITY of a Mike/Will romance, their mental floodgates will open. As Jancy shows, It doesn't take long to get an audience to cheer for a relationship, especially when the seeds have been planted. And Byler has FOUR SEASONS of material for the GA to revisit and look back on!

How Season 5 can make the GA CHEER for Byler:

First, the show can continue to make the audience want Will to have a happy ending. Second, we already know that Will is in danger and Mike is again rallying the party in s5. This likely will echo Mike and Will's relationship in s1 and s2 (probably with flashbacks, including the newly-filmed flashback to when they were young kids, bringing their long-time closeness to the forefront of viewers' minds).

Plus, we likely will have Will and Mike facing danger together, alone, for the first time:

It was Jonathan and Nancy facing danger together in s1 that made the vast majority of viewers ship Jancy then. Mike and Will facing death together will put their love and their willingness to risk their lives for each other to the fore, and make millions say "They should just kiss already."

There are SO MANY WAYS to get the audience cheering for Byler. Will probably lives in Mike's house because the Byers don't have their own house in Hawkins anymore. The romantic tension between Mike and Will s5 that will make s4 look like nothing in comparison.

When Will comes out to him, Mike might ask, "Is... there anyone you like?"

He'll ask NERVOUSLY, like he once did before:

Will probably won't answer honestly, and it will lead to a new cycle of these two boys mutually thinking their love is unrequited LOL

But this time the General Audience will be fully aware of it. Will and Mike become THE "Will they or won't they?" couple that everyone is talking about. Mike's sexuality will not be officially revealed until mid or late season in order to keep up the suspense. If Season 5 is released in more than one volume, there will be a flurry of videos and articles revisiting past seasons, finding evidence of Mike's feelings for Will that we Bylers have analyzed and curated for years.

Season 5 will be messy. And glorious. It will be the most Byler season of all.

-teambyler

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badassbravery

6 months ago

Does Mike know Will is gay?

Okay, so I have 5 background points/assumptions to make first, though I don't think the first two actually need examples/further context, to inform this take.

1)Mike is smart and very quick on the uptake.

2)We also know he is very intune with Will/will's feelings/Will's actions/how to interpret Will.

3)We know Mike associates his affection/closeness with Will as a childhood thing he needs to outgrow.

Evidence:

>lots of physical and emotional closeness in s1 and s2 before he actively starts to "grow up"

>his definition of friendship + inability to describe what is different from friends/family in romantic relationship (outside of just mouth kissing) in s1

>actively attempts to distance himself from Will and works to only talk about El (until the mindflesher planning) in his presence (who is s3 boy talk that Mike and Lucas have about girls more of a reminder for, himself or Will? I guarantee you Mike picked up on how bereft Will was feeling before the rain fight if s4 is anything to go by)

>actively attempts to pay a lot of attention to El, even works to be close to her but cannot connect with her on that level (removing hands/singingg but still kissing, not understanding why El dumped him, created opportunity for that "couples finish each other sentences thing" with the ____ makes you crazy, expects her to still need the same guidance as s1, hides his more nerdy interests by being more physical in the relationship, etc). Mike is trying so hard to be a good boyfriend he really can't understand the breakup.

>"it's not my fault you don't like girls" comment being meant to say Will is just not mature enough yet. Mike is upset Will has not moved on to growing up by getting a girlfriend despite Mike giving him the opening at the Snowball

(I firmly believe Mike knew what he was doing at that dance, he just didnt expect it to hurt so much to begin separating himself from Will.)

>the symbolism of hiding with both of the girls in the party from the puberty monster (ie the mindflesher)

>I also think there is something deliberate to the way Mike screams for Nancy during the mindflesher mall invasion scene. Something about the pause and framing just makes me think it was a very deliberate decision. I think Mike was specifically asking Nancy to protect in his place, rather than just trying to signify the danger. I won't say this is necessarily about Will, but I think there is something important that Mike yelled for Nancy and not a more generic guys or danger call.

>fear of Will leaving Mike behind (symbolized as the dnd donation scene) and relief that Will affirms they will still be friends/play in the same party (the subtext is so interesting here)

>insistence that being friends means less closeness should be excepted/accepted (of course El has lots of letters because she is girlfriend)

4) s4 struggle for Mike to be himself and deal with the fact that his connection and want to be connected to Will have not faded.

>return to dnd gaming, which he did not do while working to be close with El and is heavily associated with Will (both s1 scenes end with Wills actions not anyone else's from the party; and interesting aside, the party wins when Will was decisive and lost when he was indecisive)

>trying to find his style (emulation of Eddie and the airport of it, before settling into something more casual that importantly was not preppy like in s1 and s2- he isn't a child anymore nor trying to emulate his dad like s3)

>having several heart to hearts with Will again, just like s1 and s2- in fact, I love these conversations because they show us just how much Will knows Mike. It is Will putting Mike's feelings and thoughts into words, unlike before when Mike would prompt Will to put Will's feeling and thoughts to words (asking Will for his dnd action & ramping up danger to get it, crazy together, what's wrong? Etc).

>not being able to have a true heart to heart with El. They are still out of sync despite the obvious care they have for one another. (Letters bedroom argument, not talking after "love confession", not understanding how to actually support El while she was fighting Vecna to save Max)

>being less physical with El/working to avoid romantic physical contact despite the many, many oportunities (airport scene, little contact at roller rink, bedroom argument, no reuniting kiss)

5)The van scene shows (or doesn't show) Mike in very interesting ways. We get some clarity shots attached to Jonathan's point of view,

some blurred shots when Will is a focal point,

and a lot of Mike looking lovestruck

and seeing Will just completely illuminated.

>Mike is definitely picking up something that Will is saying here that Will is not explicitly saying. Mike is reading Will just like he usually does.

6)Mike is devastated that Will expected him to act as El's heart.

This face says so much. And Mike has so much trouble with this scene as he is once again trying to be a good boyfriend/conform while genuinely caring about El and being terrified she is dying.

So what does all of this mean??

My most base take is that Mike realized that Will really did still view him the same way as he did when they were kids. Will grew up but still loved him. That Will didn't grow up and leave him behind. That their connection is still there, can still be there as they grow up*, and special. I don't think Mike is assigning "gay" as a label to these feelings as I don't think Mike has really processed what this childhood connection actually is.

My most generous read is that Mike clocked Will has special feelings for him, and it gives Mike hope (that he can grow up and still feel this way*) that he can have special feelings for Will too. I still don't think Mike is even considering "gay" or "straight" labels for these feelings yet.

*as a sidenote, I think this is why he makes the devestated face in point 6. Mike thought they were on the same page, had that same connection, and then had a brutal reminder that even Will expected Mike to finish growing up. Gotta be super confusing for the guy: Will made that beautiful painting showcasing their friendship (I think Mike caught the lie about El commissioning it) and said all those words showing he still understood Mike and still wanted their physical and emotional closeness (Will touched Mike too a couple times during this scene). I dunno, to me this scene just reads like Will had exemplified to Mike that it was okay to grow up and still have this very special bond with Mike in the van scene; a notion that just becomes shattered here.

So to finally answer my title question with a short response: no.

This is why Mike gets the "stupid" and "oblivious" moniker (and honestly so does Will, jeezus christ both of them have huge blinders on, but at least Will understands himself) despite his obvious insight and intelligence everywhere else.

I'm not sure how much this lack of insight in s4 is rooted in the Mike's denile (and internalized homphobia) that he just can't be gay or in the understanding that these feelings for Will or so wonderful and good that they can't be gay feelings because gay is bad (again the denile and internalized homophobia).

To answer my title question with more nuance: Mike has definitely realized their relationship is special. That he wants to keep their special relationship. That he knows Will wants to keep their special relationship. That he can't be El's heart and have the full special connection with Will. But Mike hasn't figured out this means he is in love with Will or that Will is in love with him.

But I do think the ending of s4 shows us that Mike is going to prioritize his connection with Will (and hopefully figure somethings out).

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badassbravery

11 months ago

what we used to be | masterlist

season one:

part one part two part three part four part five part six part seven part eight

season two:

part nine part ten part eleven part twelve part thirteen part fourteen part fifteen part sixteen part seventeen

season three:

part eighteen

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badassbravery

10 months ago

harry potter fic recs 6

side note to say: IM A WHORE FOR THEO AND TOM 😭

personal favs 🐍

masterlists

harry potter masterlist @thestarsarebrightertonight 🐍

harry potter masterlist @theostrophywife

Masterlist @suugarbabe

Masterlist @cardansriddle 🐍

Slytherin Boys Social Media @kaciebello

tom riddle

and i can’t help that the devil likes to come and rest his little head @darkmagic-s

Mimicry (Series) @sunder-soul

mattheo riddle

We Got That Love, The Crazy Kind @ash-whimsicalfanfic

Unexpected @suugarbabe 🐍

theodore nott

you’ve bewitched me @patrophthia

green with envy @theostrophywife 🐍

A date? part two @myfeetrcolddd

dreaming of saturn @thestarsarebrightertonight

you’ll always be my girl @caramelcal

fred weasley

brainwashed @luveline

Sudden Attraction Part Two Part Three @frost-queen 🐍🐍

george weasley

sweet nothing @sergeantbuckybarnes 🐍

james potter

I guess I thought it would be harder for you to let me go @morwap 🐍🐍🐍

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badassbravery

6 months ago

mike's gay subtext runs so deep and i love it so much. i love any analysis about mike, but his gay coding is something so special to me and will always be tbh. he is obviously so much more than his sexuality. however, there's no way he gets all this subtext just for his sexuality to only be brought up briefly next season and his main plotline just be about "ok i finally broke up with el!! time to get with will! i am so confident in my sexuality! it's not like my reagan supporting family has any effect on me whatsoever! i just wanna kiss will this whole season and be glued to him!"

mike has to process his relationship with el and where it went wrong first. he has to come to a better understanding with why he stayed so long with her, why he feels the need to keep on a normal path. sure he wants to be needed and feels as if he's not (in the way el is, who he deems as a hero), but why? what is it about himself that he believes isn't worthy of being that traditional hero he wishes he could be? what is it about himself that keeps him from being the boy society expects of him? one, it's being into dnd. the town is out for blood for the hellfire club now. his parents never took his interest seriously as he did and only mocked him for it. they pushed him to grow up. but it obviously doesn't end there. he's not just insecure with his interests. there's a reason why they're hiding that mike is gay with all effort possible. it is a plot point - an important one. written literally in the show's story bible, mike's insecurities lie in not having kissed a girl. sounds like sexuality issues to me. sounds like something that still needs to be brought to light. why is he insecure about it?

also, in his first s5 bts, he's literally staring at the one way sign pointed at his closet (assuming it's still there) possibly hinting at what could be on Mike's mind this season.

Mike's Gay Subtext Runs So Deep And I Love It So Much. I Love Any Analysis About Mike, But His Gay Coding

they've barely discussed mike at all this whole time in interviews, which catches my attention a lot. finn gets very vague about him and immediately shifts conversation. we've received more about el and will. the most we've heard about mike is the fact he's on "his own journey" in regards to his dynamic with will, and it sounds like something we weren't meant to even hear.

mike's been on a journey to accepting several parts of himself throughout the whole show, and the final thing he'll have to accept is his sexuality this season.

s2 - his parents tell him to get rid of toys, mocking the fact he has emotional value to them. he's watching his friends crush on max, while he doesn't understand it one bit and feels left out. he's annoyed by it. by the end of the season, he's watching all his friends dance with a girl at the snowball while he sits alone, not even waiting/looking for el. just waiting for them to be done.

s3- he finally dates el, and his attention is completely taken by her. this is his attempt to be normal in the exact same way his friends were doing the previous season. this is his attempt to keep on a normal path the way everyone else is. but now he's realizing he messed up. this confuses him, because he genuinely believed this was the right thing to do - that's what he's observing from everyone else. if his friends do it, then he should too. will calls him out on not wanting to play dnd anymore and instead wanting to go out with el all the time. mike implies they have to grow up and move on (internalized behavior from his parents' attitude toward his interests)

s4- he finally learns to be himself and take pride in the fact he's part of the "nerds and freaks" of school. he's now embracing it by attending a dnd club and wearing his club shirt proudly - definitely something s3 him wouldn't do. but according to finn, mike is still trying to keep on a normal path this season. he wants to be normal. this is obviously referring to him being gay and his performative behavior with el - this is something that he hasn't yet overcame because of his lie in the monologue. mike decided to lie and stay in this loveless relationship for the sake of el's life. in the end, he still continues to keep on the normal path. (and in a way... is the reason why they lost.)

s5- so mike's accepted his nerdy self and is embracing it but now has yet to accept one last thing according to finn, and that's implied to be his sexuality. he must face the truth that he doesn't love el and never has (in that way). he has to be truthful to himself entirely this season in order for them to win. he has to realize his worth despite not matching society's expectations of him. his heart has to fully be in it!

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badassbravery

6 months ago

Iconic

woah guys I just found leaked footage of vecna in the upside down while Mike and will are chasing him:

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badassbravery

4 months ago

"when you're...different, sometimes you feel like a mistake."

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badassbravery

7 months ago

The boy with the freckles

Pairing: Alex Walter x female reader

Context: Alex is in college but his past still haunts him and then he meets you

>>>

———

Being fifteen felt like yesterday, but it was years ago.

Alex woke up with a groan, the new day didn’t bring anything new. It reminded him of his past more than he would have liked. In his last year at college, he felt the scars of his teens come alive to haunt him.

It was tumultuous and panic filled, nightmares of that moment he came to know Jackie had left without a word. His ability to place his trust in people had faded because if his own brother could betray him time and time again, why wouldn’t a stranger?

He squinted his eyes at the sunlight that crept through into his dark room. He dragged his cover over his head. It was hard work, getting to silence the thoughts in his head. He was a work in progress, he was aware of all the areas he had to be mindful of.

He had to remind himself he was his own person. He had to become secure, to know that he was enough as he is. That the love he gave away for free was actually priceless. That Kylie breaking off their friendship was so she could heal and he had no control over it. He had to come to terms with it, that life changed and so should he.

This dorm room felt huge or maybe it only felt like that since he was alone. He didn’t have Nathan sharing his room or Isaac yelling down the hallway. He could just rot beneath these sheets and no one would know.

But as he slumped in his bed, contemplating if he should skip calculus, there was a knock on the door.

He let it pass. Most cases it would be other students coming by to drop invitations to parties. But there was another knock and he pulled away his blanket to see the faint slit of shadow underneath the door.

“Who is it?”, he yelled out to see the shadow feet shuffle before answering.

“Sorry to bother you but I was told to meet you if I wanted to join the gaming club.”, he heard a voice.

He got out of bed in an instant. He would recognise that tone anywhere. He searched for a shirt as he pulled it over his head to then run past the mirror to make sure his face was alright.

It wasn’t, his hair was a mess, the sunlight had made his freckles stand out. On days like these he wished he looked more like Cole. The only ‘effect’ he had with people was off putting.

“I’ll probably come by another time.”, he heard the dejection in your voice as you began to move away and it threw him into overdrive.

He couldn’t care less about his appearance.

He reached for the door knob and yanked it open, his muddy green eyes catching yours. His throat ran dry, he froze.

He felt like he was fifteen again, not twenty three.

He watched you like he was trying to memorise the brush strokes on a painting he could never get up close. The dark curls of your hair, the deep tan in your skin, the flush of colour in your cheeks and your magnetic eyes.

There he stood, as though life had thought him nothing.

He didn’t know what to say.

He noticed you look away and the skeletons in his closet broke loose.

He was unravelling, his mind convincing him that you could see right through him.

He had to act fast, to work through this, so he stuck out his hand.

“Hi, I’m Alex Walter.”, he winced as he said it. He could see himself from your gaze. He sounded stupid.

But to his surprise, you took his hand.

“I know.”, you replied as your fingers wrapped around his palm.

“You’re the boy with the freckles.”, he heard you say and it made his cheeks flush.

“Ah yes, my only defining quality.”, he sighed as his smile faded.

He knew where this was going. It reminded him of who he wasn’t like. That this was his effect.

He let go of your hand as he folded his arms, he couldn’t help it, the way his body became defensive, ready to hide away.

He had done this before, give away his best in the hopes of a little attention so now he fought against it.

“Makes me stick out like a sore thumb.”, he shrugged his shoulders as he caught the change in your expression.

“Oh no, I didn’t mean to be rude.”, you panicked. He was taller than you with his toned arms crossed across his chest. You could tell the glimmer in his eye had vanished, now he looked at you as though he was seeing a ghost.

“I..”, you had lost your words. Where had all your confidence gone?

Your gaze shifted to catch a glimpse of him. His bed head hair mussed like he was a crazy scientist, his eyes reminding you of the meadows back home and his freckles that haunted your dreams, tempting you to reach up and touch his cheek.

“I just think it makes you look beautiful.”, you said, not realising the step you had taken towards him or that his eyes softened with that glow again.

His gaze dipped to your lips just as you looked up to see him.

He was incorrigible, just like his brother. Cause here he was feeling that blissful sense of warmth fill his heart as much as he had tried to run from it.

“Do you?”, he whispered before he could catch himself

“I…”, you were about to respond to his question when he shifted his weight and the moment broke.

“Do you want to come by to a club event today?”, he changed the question.

You thought it was for the best. Alex Walter deserved someone who wasn’t a wreck like you.

He was a coward. All those moments of convincing himself to build up his courage to take on a new adventure had all boiled down to nothing, cause truth be told he was scared.

He was scared of all the love he held for you.

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badassbravery

6 months ago

I just noticed this from the end of ST season 3 after Will and El leave Hawkins:

Mike goes home, and walks towards his mom with the most distraught expression. But the expression doesn’t seem sad that his girlfriend or best friend left him; the expressions feels almost as if he discovered something that was so shocking and unexpected to his core that he hugged his mother because that’s all he could do.

And this is after El kissing Mike and he completely stands still, confused, and with a similar expression in his face with his eyes FULLY open (I know what you are)

Additionally, this would explain why he is acting so different when he meets Will and El again in california in S4 - he discovered something about himself at the end of S3 that he wants to cover up and hide, because he is so distraught and ashamed of himself 🙃

I always underestimate Finn’s acting skills and then he does things like this!