Latest Posts by ash-short-for-trash - Page 3

This site is great for people who have opinions so esoteric as to be functionally useless

i had a dream that time travel was invented and too many people choose to travel back in time to save the titanic from sinking (the question of whether unsinking of the titanic deserved so much attention in the face of human history was the subject of both heavy academic and online discourse), which caused a rift in the space-time-continuum that led to the titanic showing up indiscriminately all over the world’s oceans and sea in various states of sinking.

this caused a lot of issues both in terms of fixing said space-time-continuum and in terms of nautical navigation, and after a long and heavy battle in the international maritime organization it was decided that the bureaucratic burden of dealing with this was to be upon Ireland, much to their dismay. the Irish Government then released an app for all sailors and seafarers so they could report titanic sightings during their journeys, even though they heavily dissuaded you from reporting them given the paperwork it caused.

anyway i woke up with a clear image of the app in my head and needed to recreate it for all of you:

Oldest human footprint discovered, made 153,000 years ago in South Africa.

Oldest human footprint in North America, made 21,000 years ago in New Mexico, USA.

Oldest human footprint on the Moon, made July 20, 1969 on the Sea of Tranquility, Earth's moon.

Soresu Negotiations

“Get help,” Palpatine said. “You’re no match for him. He’s a Sith Lord.”

Obi-Wan turned to look at the Chancellor. “...yes?” he said. “But he’s also something else – something I’m surprised you’ve forgotten.”

“What?” Palpatine asked.

“A politician,” Obi-Wan replied, turning back to Dooku.

Anakin groaned, then sat down.

“Here we go,” he said.

Palpatine blinked, looking from Anakin to Obi-Wan.

“...what do you mean, Anakin?” he asked.

“This happens sometimes,” Anakin replied. “How do you think he got his nickname?”

“Count,” Obi-Wan said, at about the same time. “It’s occurred to me that I never actually found out what the Confederacy wants.”

“Isn’t it a little late for this?” Dooku asked. “We have been at war for several years.”

“True,” Obi-Wan conceded, readily. “The war having started on Geonosis, because of tracing back your clone army which we… appear to have appropriated, mostly because you did it in our name. But that’s how the war started – not your objectives.”

Dooku was silent for a moment.

“I assume some semblance of a point will be emerging,” he said, eventually. “If you could be so kind as to provide it?”

“Wars begin for all sorts of reasons,” Obi-Wan replied. “But how they end… they end because a mutual settlement has been reached. And it’s occurred to me that I don’t know what you’d want out of a victory.”

He spread his hand, the one not holding the – unlit – saber. “It’s not the conquest of the Republic, I can tell that much. If the CIS annexed the Republic, what you’d have would still be the Republic, just under a different name… it’s not the Republic without the corruption that’s been causing it problems, because most of the corruption in the Republic was – was – the big industrial concerns like the Techno Union, Commerce Guild, Trade Federation. But you seem to have taken all of those off our hands, and they provide essentially your entire military so I don’t think anyone else could honestly believe that either.”

“I wouldn’t expect a Jedi to understand,” Dooku replied. “The Confederacy’s member systems have concerns relating to over-centralization.”

Obi-Wan stared at him for a long moment.

“...no they don’t,” he said.

“I hardly think you can have earned your reputation as a negotiator, Kenobi, if you are so willing to be insulting,” Dooku said, archly.

“That’s not what I mean,” Obi-Wan replied. “I mean… yes, now the Republic has an army, though really it’s actually the Jedi’s army and we’re simply letting them borrow it, but four years ago the Galactic Republic was proverbially incapable of doing anything. It took emergency powers for the Chancellor to get the Republic to authorize having any kind of military whatsoever – and the only one available was the one you ordered. That’s not over-centralization.”

He drummed his fingers on his ‘saber. “And I note that I overheard Nute Gunray insisting on the head of Senator Amidala – literally, in those words – as his price for signing a treaty. But I still haven’t heard an actual answer. What does the Galaxy look like if the Confederacy wins?”

Dooku frowned, and after about three seconds Obi-Wan glanced at the Chancellor.

“Didn’t you discuss this at any point, your excellency?” he asked. “Count Dooku doesn’t seem to have thought about this.”

Palpatine blinked.

“...he’s a Sith Lord,” he repeated. “Shouldn’t you be fighting him?”

“It’s called diplomacy, Chancellor,” Obi-Wan replied, before returning his attention to Dooku. “Grandmaster, are you seriously telling me that you never thought about what you would do if you won?”

Anakin checked his comlink, for the time, then the ship trembled slightly.

“Artoo?” he asked. “Can you tell those ships outside to stop shooting at us and give us a wide berth? This could take hours and I don’t want to find out if my name’s literal.”

“Hours?” Palpatine repeated.

“He’s rolling,” Anakin replied, rolling his eyes. “Like I say, I’m used to this.”

He rummaged in a pocket of his robes, taking out a miniature toolkit, and began disassembling his lightsaber. “I’m pretty sure I can retune these crystals to give two stable configurations which it’ll snap between, that should give me a length toggle instead of a single adjustable length…”

“Are you taking your lightsaber apart?” Palpatine hissed. “What if you need to fight?”

“It’s okay, Chancellor, I’ll get about five minutes’ warning if the negotiations are going downhill,” Anakin replied. “That should be time to put it back together again…”

Palpatine looked up to Obi-Wan, who – sure enough – was still going.

“...of course, a separate but related issue is what it’s going to be like afterwards,” Obi-Wan said. “In principle the Republic and the Jedi Order could probably accept the existence of Sith so long as we actually knew who they were and they weren’t trying to destroy us. It’s the fact that the first Sith we met in a thousand years tried to run Anakin over and cut Qui-Gon’s head off as an opening move that’s soured us towards them a bit… but are you really going to be content as someone whose whole job is to die for Sidious?”

Dooku stared at Obi-Wan, baffled, then glanced at Palpatine and Anakin.

“What do you mean?” he asked, forcing his gaze back to Obi-Wan.

“Sidious is your Master, we know that much,” Obi-Wan replied. “Partly because you told me yourself. But has he ever put himself in danger? Or has it all been you dealing with Jedi like myself and my apprentice? Putting yourself out there, in danger, while you do exactly what he says?”

He smiled slightly. “A Jedi would accept that, but you’re a Sith – you’ve said so yourself. Sith are self-interested. What do you think your new master is getting out of the situation? Because if you don’t know, it’s got to be something and it’s probably something he doesn’t want to tell you.”

“My master is quite willing to put himself in danger,” Dooku said, then clamped his lips shut at a frantic mouthed shut up from Palpatine.

“Real or feigned?” Obi-Wan asked. “Do you think he wouldn’t manipulate you? He’s been doing it to everyone else – you’ve said it.”

Dooku’s brow furrowed.

“But we’re getting off topic,” Obi-Wan said, turning to look at Palpatine. “Chancellor, what about this as a starting point? Your emergency powers were granted to resolve the crisis, and I’m sure you want to abandon them as soon as possible… so why not take away the whole reason why the individual systems in the Confederacy had problems with the Republic to begin with? Freely allow the departure of any system which wishes to do so, under the emergency powers legislation; enact a progressive tax, one which hits the Core worlds harder owing to their greater ability to pay, to sustain a carrier based navy able to hunt pirates more effectively than conduct occupations or orbital bombardment, and have the navy established on a sector-federal two-level model?”

Palpatine stared at Obi-Wan for at least ten seconds.

“...he’s a Sith Lord,” he said, yet again.

“Oh, shut up,” Dooku replied. “You’re a Sith Lord and I don’t see you doing anything constructive.”

Obi-Wan glanced at Palpatine.

“...you know,” he began. “I’m quite sure you’d need to note that on your financial disclosure forms, your Excellency.”

He turned sideways, so he could see both Dooku and Palpatine at the same time. “What was the point of this whole abduction, anyway?”

“As it happens, I was supposed to kill you,” Dooku said. “It’s the only way to turn Anakin to the Dark Side, if you’re out of the way.”

“Huh?” Anakin asked. “Is something up? I’ve almost got the crystals realigned.”

“This plan looked a lot better this morning,” Palpatine muttered.

Broke: Anakin doesn't have any jedi friends his own age because he didn't fit in/Palpatine isolated him

Woke: Anakin doesn't have any jedi friends his own age because all his classmates keep trying to sleep with his Master and it's driving him crazy. If ONE more person asks him for Obi-Wan’s number he's gonna scream.

Ahsoka: Skyguy! Did you know the senior padawans put out a yearbook?? You'll never guess who won MILF (Master I'd Like To Fuck) of the year!!!

Anakin, not looking up: It’s Obi-Wan.

Ahsoka: ...huh did you already see it?

Anakin, with a thousand yard stare: It's always Obi-Wan. It's been Obi-Wan for the last 10 years Snips.

rotating them around in my head

Bird alien for your consideration! This is Jedi Knight Tuwa of the Kra species, professionally unsettling 7' flightless voice mimic and the strangest angel you'll ever meet

This little guy is based on the German/Austrian folklore creature called Nachtrabe (or various spellings of Nachtkrabb depending on the region)

I've grown up with stories of giant raven-like beings appearing on the windowsill of children to either sing them to sleep and send beautiful dreams or to stare at them through the glass and give them nightmares if they've been naughty (lmao)

Wikipedia has also told me that apparently the Nachtkrabb, in some regions, is said to abduct and eat children who are out at night?? I honestly prefer the sandman-esque version I grew up with over Curfew Bird but I guess you can't have a German folktale without child vore, good job team

Obi and his padawans :3

I wanted to redraw this but I thought it would be more fun if I did a continuation instead :))))

My original file was apparently too big X)

GAY SPORT MAP GAY SPORT MAP GAY SPORT MAP GAY SPORT MAP GAY SPORT MAP!!!!!

(Big thanks to @jovienna and @daytonasand for helping me create this!)

Being a young adult is so strange. You enter a coffee shop. The 20 year old girl waiting behind you cried all night because she just came to a new city for university and she feels so alone. That 27 year old guy over there works a job he is overqualified for, he lives with his parents and wants to move out but doesn't know what to do about it. That one 24 year old dude already has a car, a house, and a job waiting for him once he graduates thanks to his dad's connections. The 26 year old barista couldn't complete his higher education because he has to work and take care of his family. The 28 year old girl sitting next to you has no friends to go out with so she is texting her mother. That couple (both 25 years old) are married and the girl is pregnant. The 29 year old writing something on her laptop has realized that she chose the wrong major so she is trying to start all over. We are not alone in this, but we are actually so alone. Do you feel me

If Obi-Wan had a nickel for every time he killed a Sith and left them for dead but they never actually died, he’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice right?

some of my fav 'inconsistencies' between the prequel trilogy & the OT and by fav i mean i genuinely think these were good calls:

it is NOT normal for Jedi to become force ghosts when they die. that's like a brand new skill Yoda just unlocked. if Luke tried to tell ppl about Obi-wan's force ghost literally no-one, even ppl who were familiar w the Jedi when they were around, would know wtf he was talking about

R2-D2 knew everything that went down during the prequels and just opted not to tell anyone ever which is fully in-character for him

becoming a Jedi was a whole process involving 15+ years of training and formal trials to determine if you were ready for knighthood and then with Luke Yoda was just like 'yeah fuck it you're a jedi knight now. burn the jedi temple did. made up all the rules are. gives a shit who does.'

everyone just kind of forgot who the Jedi were within the span of a generation. love that.

The fact that both Obi-Wan and Ahsoka think that the other died during order 66 and spend years mourning the other when they both survived is so heartbreaking

split ends

The disaster trio would 100% get custom t-shirts with their like given titles (Anakin’s idea).

Obviously we have The Hero With No Fear and The Negotiator but since Ahsoka doesn’t have one either Anakin makes her’s Snips or she chooses the most random but entertaining title for herself

anakin can come up with worse titles than 'snips'

(donation doodles! // tip jar)

it's what she would've wanted

(support me on kofi! // comms)

cody discovers the wonders of hrt

Codyyyyyy. Halo? Sun? Crown of thorns? Who knows

warm up before the training session

various shmi lives au stuff because 1. i love her and 2. i don't draw the skywalker-lars family enough <3

(ko-fi requests are open!)

Weep for yourself, my man You’ll never be what is in your heart Weep, little lion man You’re not as brave as you were at the start

Song: Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons 

I keep thinking about how by the time the Kenobi series takes place, Luke will be about the age Anakin was when he first became Obi-Wan’s padawan. And I think about how much it must suck sometimes, to be alone with your memories.

The poem: “I Loved My Friend” by Langston Hughes

it’s comfort your new nine year-old padawan at 3am hours (based on the [canon] heart-wrenching passage I saw from this post) 

you might think my agenda is to draw things that are cute and vaguely sad but actually I just want draw twentysomething obi-wan’s hair in that awkward phase 

Hey brother Do you still believe in one another? Hey sister Do you still believe in love I wonder? Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

(more star wars angst hours in lyric comic form, thanks for tuning in) 

(song: “hey brother” by avicii) 

anyway, i’m obsessed with star wars again, here’s my clone wars oc

do you think that after the rako hardeen mission obi-wan went to see his battalion and just. walked right onto the bridge of the negotiator and some clone goes "general on deck" and they all stand at attention because that's what you do when your commanding officer joins you on the bridge but none of them realize just which specific general walked right in until someone gasps and they slowly, one after the other, realize who that is and it can't be he's dead yet none of them fall out of stance despite the shock because they're all good men and haven't been dismissed yet, except cody, the most collected and loyal and best of them all, who goes pale and staggers back a few steps and then doesn't breathe until obi-wan softly says "at ease" with his eyes trained on cody and then high general kenobi has a shaking bundle of marshal commander in his arms and excuse the rambling but i think about this a lot

Cody: Ugh.

Obi-Wan: What???

Cody: I swear to god, if you ask Boga if she ‘wants to go walkies’ in that high pitched tone that gets her all excited, one more time-

Obi-Wan: Sometimes we have to get them excited for the walkies!

Cody: She’s a twenty-six foot lizard! She spun in a circle and threw me into a wall! She’s gonna step on the wrong Jedi master one day and kill them!

Obi-Wan: Oh you’re being dramatic.

Cody: What if she steps on Master Yaddle and initiate Grogu one day, huh??? Are they gonna survive her big paws??

Obi-Wan: I notice how you left Grandmaster out of that scenario.

Cody: He made me drink swamp water last week and told me it was tea! I won’t cry at his funeral and now I’m determined to outlive him!

Obi-Wan: Babe. It’s traditional for the lineage. Normally he gets us with it when we’re still tiny, but it provides very important bacteria for gut health. I used to be intolerant to most Mandalorian seed spices before he gave it to me.

Cody: …so he wasn’t just torturing his new bu’ad-in-law?

Obi-Wan: Two things can be possible.

palps, trying to manipulate anakin into thinking obi-wan is having an affair with padmé: master kenobi was seen at a certain senator’s house at an unseemly hour. a senator he is very close to…

anakin: oh my god

palps: yessss

anakin: he’s fucking bail organa

palps: wait what