Alovejr - ENFP | POV

One king. Many crowns.

How?

How could I tell him my aesthetic is crying in beautiful places and that I think tenderness is a virtue?

He is a man of science, not romance. He loves flowers and watches them bloom, but doesn’t seem to value his own growth.

I like how he kept me warm at night, but his silence was so cold. Yet, it wasn’t personal.

He clearly has thoughts racing through his mind, but no ache to share them. No need to exchange ideals and penetrate each other’s gray matter. I wanted our brains and our bodies to merge.

I can’t address any of this with him, for it’s only met with cynicism. A know it all, who knows me not.

Standing in line waiting for my turn at the register fueled me with a desire to run. I walked out of the store with less time than I walked it, and that was the only change involved.

I wonder why no one is calling me. Checking on me. Wanting to hear my voice, smell my skin, or feel my hair on their face. The screen on my phone stays dark except for when I check for someone’s attention that isn’t there.

How has this become the soundtrack of my life? Silence and sobs. These are the constant sounds of my day to day.

How much longer can I endure this? How much longer will I have to? How?

(9.29.18)

Staying on the vineyard in Sonoma, CA.

Just Me

I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.

I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.

So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.

Maybe one day someone will hear me.

(11.11.17)

Outtake.

Clear Skin & A lot of money

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money

23

Sick, but took 5 minutes to do this.