Loneliness Is A Disease For Which The Only Cure Is Love. Some Of Us Are Still Sick, And Looking To Heal.

Chapter 23 - The Achiever

So there I was, the night before my birthday at work, and one of my friends asks me, “was 22 a good year?” Immediately my first instinct is to make a slick comment, but then I thought to myself, “was it?” I realized in that moment all the things that made it great and what could have made it better. A large part of that is in following my dreams and committing to my own personal growth. I want so badly to be extraordinary, and during the year of 22 I was, but in very ordinary circumstances. Next July, I know that I will surpass who I was at 22, but be closer to the version of myself that far surpasses my wildest dreams. Set a goal. Work toward it. Accomplish. Repeat. I am an achiever, and today I celebrate all my past achievements and all of the progress I will achieve from this day forward. To this year of achievement. 23.

So proud of this! Cannot wait to share the full thing!

Here is the official trailer for our new film “XING!”

My new short film comes out tomorrow and I'm so excited! You can watch it on YouTube by searching "XING AJ LOVELACE" thank you for the support!

Yes we are! ✍🏽

We are editing like crazy to get this ready! 🎞✂️🤔

Just Me

I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.

I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.

So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.

Maybe one day someone will hear me.

(11.11.17)

Spinning

That’s what I felt myself starting to do. Spin. Emotionally I was unraveling and I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. The spiral of separation anxiety and depression was now unvavoidable and it had pulled me in.

Nothing I was feeling mad any sense. Dance. Die. Dance. Die. How is that I simultaneously wanted to dance and die... Ah, I get it now. Both of them looked like freedom to me.

I was flying, right down the highway. My music loud and my body swinging around behind the steering wheel without a seatbelt. Maybe I’ll crash. Maybe I won’t. But maybe I will. Why are these thoughts plaguing me, when all I want is to feel better?

“Come to the door! Let’s go to a wild bar!” I couldn’t decide where I wanted to land. I just didn’t want to feel. First glass of one, chugged. Second glass of wine, chugged. Third glass, never finished. At this point I was dancing to the appropriately leveled music, wanting it to be louder so I could drown myself out. The last voice I wanted to hear was my own. I never made it to the bar, but I was clearly trying to turn this living room into my own dance floor.

Finally I was coming down. The concert inside me was on its last performance, which was going to be a somber ballad. My eyes were wet, but no tears were making it down my cheekbones. “Don’t forget me.” Last text of the night. An indirect reminder that I might leave it all behind. I’m tired now, and this couch is wide open... I’ll just rest for a bit.

Morning came in cool and forgiving, the same could not be said of me. I felt the pangs of sadness floating around my chest. I didn’t want this feeling to consume me, so I rushed home. No mistakes were made last night, but I certainly didn’t feel good about how it all went down. At this point I just want the spinning to stop.

(10.20.17)