Alovejr - ENFP | POV

Feeling flawless!

23

Staying on the vineyard in Sonoma, CA.

🎥

Not Enough

Most of the men I’ve been with at one point or another have said, “AJ, I’m not enough for you.” This was stressful because I thought it made me ungrateful. Then I realized they were right. A friend of mine recently told me that my loneliness was causing me to end up with people who aren’t “good enough,” for me. These sentiments have been echoed by the very people in question. “What are you doing with me,” or “are you just settling with me until you find something better,” have been questions thrown at me before. I hate that I’ve put myself in these situations time after time, but I do get lonely, and it’s a struggle for me. However, it’s something I’m working on.

I’ve been looking for stability & security with someone else. I’m just realizing, I can do that on my own. I’m independent enough to take careful of myself, on multiple levels as I always have. I remember recently thinking I want to find someone who could help me with that, but maybe it’s time to late that new notion go. This only came about because I didn’t want to always be doing things alone.

I’m not longer looking for anything other than compatibility. I’m not actively pursuing anything in the relationship arena, but now I’m beginning to have a firm grasp on what I’m truly wanting from a relationship, should it arrive.

Here’s to hoping I can keep this up while pursuing my career. I know some days will be hard, but I’ll figure it out. I always manage to find a way.

(11.7.17)

Teaser for my new web series!

So proud of this! Cannot wait to share the full thing!

Here is the official trailer for our new film “XING!”

Choking

I could feel myself choking, on his internalized self loathing and the humidity.

This damn window is always such a bitch to open, but finally- I cracked it open and the rush of air was tickling the hairs on my body, and quenching my lungs.

The floor feels so cool on my skin, my always buzzing with warmth, skin. The shadows and colors on the ceiling look like so inviting and forgiving. They whisper to me, “you love you, that’s enough,” but I don’t believe them. As I gaze out the window I can see the sky, it’s perfectly clear. It looks painted actually.

Buzz, buzz.

What does he want now? To suffocate me further? Leave me alone! Go lie to the world somewhere else. Yo sé quién soy. Soy hermosa como soy. I hate him. I hate how this makes me feel.

I miss you.

Yea, I miss me too. I miss how free I was. How I had no fear, but now I fear losing your love. Losing. I fear losing, but I can’t and I won’t. I can’t lose out on love. Real, free, trusted love.

15 minutes.

That’s all the time I have to pull myself off this floor and feel like a whole person again. To feel my soul light up and be the roaring fire it truly is when it isn’t being snuffed out and stifled by bigotry and insecurity. Ahh! I’m tired of crying hot tears of desperation.

A kiss. A hand on my knee. A lie.

All this to make me feel special behind closed doors. Doors so heavy and thick that they can barely be opened. Doors that if we ran through them hand in hand we could be free.

It’s hot out. 9PM. 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Where is that damn breeze. I’m choking again, this time on the smoke from his day old blunt. Damn, anything else you want to suppress? It doesn’t really matter does it? Of course it does but he’ll never get it. Only one of us choking. You can’t know the feeling unless you’ve choked before.

(8.5.18)

My PSA airs tomorrow 7/1/16. Please watch and share! Thank you.

Spinning

That’s what I felt myself starting to do. Spin. Emotionally I was unraveling and I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. The spiral of separation anxiety and depression was now unvavoidable and it had pulled me in.

Nothing I was feeling mad any sense. Dance. Die. Dance. Die. How is that I simultaneously wanted to dance and die... Ah, I get it now. Both of them looked like freedom to me.

I was flying, right down the highway. My music loud and my body swinging around behind the steering wheel without a seatbelt. Maybe I’ll crash. Maybe I won’t. But maybe I will. Why are these thoughts plaguing me, when all I want is to feel better?

“Come to the door! Let’s go to a wild bar!” I couldn’t decide where I wanted to land. I just didn’t want to feel. First glass of one, chugged. Second glass of wine, chugged. Third glass, never finished. At this point I was dancing to the appropriately leveled music, wanting it to be louder so I could drown myself out. The last voice I wanted to hear was my own. I never made it to the bar, but I was clearly trying to turn this living room into my own dance floor.

Finally I was coming down. The concert inside me was on its last performance, which was going to be a somber ballad. My eyes were wet, but no tears were making it down my cheekbones. “Don’t forget me.” Last text of the night. An indirect reminder that I might leave it all behind. I’m tired now, and this couch is wide open... I’ll just rest for a bit.

Morning came in cool and forgiving, the same could not be said of me. I felt the pangs of sadness floating around my chest. I didn’t want this feeling to consume me, so I rushed home. No mistakes were made last night, but I certainly didn’t feel good about how it all went down. At this point I just want the spinning to stop.

(10.20.17)