Walking Down Through An Unknown Route, Expecting To Get Answers To Some Unsolved Arguments In My Head.

I woke up to bad news today,

I slept with my head spinning, when the world and my cozy little cocoon, both shattered.

I saw the disclaimer on the Instagram story.

Yet, I choose to watch it.

I twisted and turned in my bed, my last alarm rang. I had to leave or I'd be late for work.

I drag myself to the shower, the drops of water started dripping, my shoulder getting drenched. Drop by drop. Like people falling off an airplane

I came out, wore my cutest shirt, a gift from a rather someone. My eyes went moist. I picked up my hairbrush, hoping to brush more than my hair.

I packed my lunch box, made a face when there was upma for breakfast, ate cold cornflakes watching something funny on Netflix.

I rush to office, take my laptop out. The charger that'll sustain the day. My red thermal coffee flask with the black coffee for the day, the blue book and a pen I borrowed from someone.

I sit down, let out a sigh, and switched on my laptop to an array of emails to reply to.

Why are people working beyond work hours I wondered, maybe I should too, I thought for a second.

The sticky notes on my laptop reminded me of my two other jobs, with broken earphones, the day drifted without music to shush my thoughts. Someone passes the hallway wearing the same perfume that a boy I knew wears. Shattered promises, lucid dreams fake smiles and bike rides all rushed to my head.

In a rather larger, emptier office I started communicating to innamimate things and cleared the notifications of burning forests, dying animals and women in veils.

I haven't been able to eat. I haven't been able to sleep. My head questioning everything everyone did.

While I've come back to my rather comfortable room, cold milk, gazal songs and some cigarettes I move time to another day for some better food and strong coffee.

My phone beeps, i slide the notification and lie down on an empty terrace with sounds of traffic, a dog barking on the corner of the street and a thousand thoughts.

It just feels like yesterday that I packed my bags and came here.

The baggage of memories and sadness of leaving one place had just struck me then

And today here I am bags packed.

Goodbyes said.

All set to move to a new place, I don't know where

All set to go somewhere and start all over again.

The same sadness burries me of moving out.

My eyes are moist

Heart heavy.

I don't wanna move again after having made so many friends and memories here.

I don't wanna go.

But yet again I'm set on another voyage.

Goodbye to this place and to all the people I love.

To all the roads I know, to all the places I've been to

And to everything else.

It's goodbye once again

Life turns upside down in just a matter of seconds.

I have made friends and enemies here,

Where I envy and love certain people

I do hate a few.

In just a day I’m leaving this place

Packing a lot of memories and moments

Which is heavier than my luggage.

I have made some friends for life

Whom I might not call everyday

Or think about all the while

But the place they have in my life is irreplacable

I have always been scared to let people get close to me

The fear of being vulnerable

The fear of getting so close

That if they leave I can’t survive.

Very few people make an impact when they leave

But only a handpicked make an impact staying.

Today when I count those few I’m glad I have them

But I’m scared of leaving them and going

I’m not just gonna miss them

I’m gonna miss their constant presence and the impact they make

I wish tomorrow never ended

Because the next dawn is an end

To a lifetime of memories and joy

Now I realize that moving out is indeed sad

I don’t wanna go

I don’t wanna go…

“the overgrown quills on my legs didn’t stop him.

my period blood and the tampon inside of me didn’t either.

this was never about attraction. it was about dominance.

he was power hungry with an insatiable appetite. i could taste command on his fingers when he shoved them down my throat and made me vomit before he left my house.

no, i wasn’t desirable. 

so, let’s make one thing clear - he desired to control me.”

- smspoetry (sexual assault)

Dear April

Hey there April. I see people all around me asking you to be nice with us. I ask for the same. 

January jumped away with violence… fire in its tail burning down the forests

February fled with the aftermath

March was marching with a virus that we all sat home

I wonder what you bring, April. I wonder.

Life seems dull with solitude. Staying home figuring out ways to kill time. With so much time in hand, I thought I’d get back to all the pending work. But locking me in, doesn’t work. 

I miss the monotony in life.

So be nice to me and everyone else, April. Be nice.

I’m not asking for more but to return my happiness with being able to do things I used to cringe about, complain about, cry about, argue about, the things that I wanted to run away from.

Take me back to the people, talking and doing something.

Take me from this closed room, my laptop and me.

Hey April, try being nice.

The window

If only you could open doors that would change things,

Sometimes like how you think of running far away to those places you never know of

Those meadows and sunsets you have written about, you've read about, you've thought about.

I don't know about you, but I have.

I have wanted to open that window to the perfect home I've imagined.

To that home, where amma and appa had figured out things

Where my older brother wasn't threatened by my birth

Where I wasn't threatened by that hand that made me uncomfortable.

Where my screams would be heard through the window.

Where when I cried, I had a hand to hold on to.

Where I did not run away from, I did not ignore calls, where my memories of childhood were not fights and hatred.

That window which did not show me trying to kill myself

I dream of building that home, where I am safe, I am heard and I am wanted. But now when I do, I feel like I'm caged inside the cocoon that I have build shooing away people. While then it was being in a house that wasn't my home and now a home that feels like a house.

Sometimes, someday I will open that window where I will have a painting hung on the wall of a meadow, a framed picture of people on my bedside table, and my bookshelves across the bed. Someday it will contain a hand that will embrace me and a shoulder to lean on to.

Image from: Razia @a-small-startup

He is spoiling what we have...

Perhaps I guess he spoilt what we had...

“Giving you pain is not the only way life knows to make you suffer. Sometimes taking the pleasure out of you will suffice.”

lsr

Please don’t fall in love with me. Just don’t. I am merely giving you a word of advice or rather a word of caution for I’m not worth your time. I am a mess, and a complicated one at that. You can’t handle someone like me for I got too many issues even with myself. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone because I always knew I will never be good enough for anybody. Before you blabber on how you accept me or you won’t get tired of me, know the real me. Who is the real me by the way? I don’t even know it myself. I tend to push people away before they get too close for they will also get tired and leave me like everyone else. Then I will blame myself. See? I even get tired of myself too. I always feel down and get sad without a particular reason. I don’t want to be a burden to anybody especially to you. Please don’t fall in love with me. I am just saving you from the hassle.

c.i.j. // no trespassing (via elementalalchemist)

my exact same feelings right now. exact same way i wanna explain <3

...

I have that one person in life to whom I can be me and still be confident that he wont judge.

Well thats what I believe everytime I meet that person.

That one person changes with time.

Sometimes it's you

And yet other times its him or her or her

Everytime I end up talking hours together

Not leaving the smallest detail of what happened in the day

I fear that he would get bored

That he would not feel anymore.

Today I could sence that he was getting tired of me being excited of the same thing again and again

Maybe I should stop because

Maybe I get too excited about petty things

But I thought he would understand that it means the world to me.

I never thought I would say this for him because till yesterday I had something else to tell.

Yet one more time people have proven that they cant be what they promise to be

And all those promises starts to flow with the rain leaving me all back to square 1.

Thinking what went wrong this time

I've always been alone. Especially at nights. The loneliness strikes hard on nights I cry, screeming into my pillow. In those pitch dark nights the one gleam of light that fills my room slowly and beautifully is the moon. Irrespective of how it is, where it is, the moon comes to me. Through my window the comfort I get is the warmth of a mother and the company of a friend. On moonless nights it's as if the moon hands me over to the stars, they shine so bright and I wait for the moon to come to me. I wait for the moon to come to me.