I Want To Urge Ya'll To Make Space For People With Psychosis In Your Mental Health Advocacy.

Rules thread:

(I got bored at work this morning and finally wrote a rule list up. I still have to re-write it in my diet journal when I get home.)

2 liters of water a day

Keep track of water intake

Don't count coffee calories (Starbucks excluded)

1200 calorie limit (absolute max)

No pop

No food past 5 pm

16 hour fast minimum (daily)

100 chews per bite

Water with all meals

Green tea daily

Cranberry juice daily

100 jumping jacks every hour after work

15 squats every bathroom break

150 sit ups before 6 pm

Yoga on Saturdays

Cheat day: Friday (metabolism boost and binge prevention)

-cheat day rules: no calorie counting. No food after 8 pm. Start fast after meal. Work out rules still apply. No pop.

*These are rules I've been using since the very beginning of my eating disorder journey (14 years ago). Some things have been changed due to things not working, and the calorie limit has been super over shot. These are for me only.

Me (as a child): why are all the songs about love?

Mom: someday you will understand

Me (now as an adult): seriously why are all the songs about love and sex this is ridiculous

the way ivan aivazovsky looks at the sea…i think…i think that’s what love looks like.

“Those poor boys”

“She deserves to be punished too.”

“I’m not saying I support rape, but-”

“Sorry to say - she deserved it.”

“She put herself in harm’s way”

“But if she was fingered, then that’s not rape.”

“She ruined their lives.”

*my friend is happy and talks a lot* my mind: "yay that's nice I'm happy for her"

*my friend talks less/her tone changed* my mind: " you stupid asshole she hates you you did sth wrong she hates you so much you're a horrible friend you dont deserve her as a friend you're ruining everything you're horrible you're the worst friend ever"

I HATE THAT I HAVE IT LIKE THAT #bpd ✌🏻

Nooooo don't send me a link to the pirated Hamilton film I love capitalism ahah

types of people as environments

sea: wild hair, iced coffee, probably listens to billie eilish, great instagram, wears bracelets/anklets, was that kid that thought they had some authority on greek mythology bc they read the percy jackson books, seems like they have their life together but actually are lowkey falling apart, can vibe w/ anyone

forest: hot coffee, guitar/indie/folk music, runs an aesthetic blog, doesn’t tell anyone what their favorite songs are bc that’s Too Personal, absolutely has to put fairy lights everywhere, loves their friends and makes sure they know it, if you hurt them they won’t do anything back they’ll just leave without a word or a trace

desert: long road trips, retro diners at 2am, also eats a lot of fast food, nothing fazes them, drunk declarations of love, their hair is their personality, thrives during nighttime, bored eater, acts chill and will say they’re Fine as they lay face down on the floor but also will tell their life story after 10pm

mountains: hot chocolate, gorgeous hair, adrenaline junkie, has a lot of secrets/emotional depth, morning person, will go insane if they’re cooped up indoors for too long, complete 180 from the person their 12-year-old self thought they would be but thank god for that

meadow: softie, henna tattoos, puts flowers in their hair, sparkling water, pastels, likes taylor swift, barely knows how to drive, good at drawing/painting, doesn’t hide their feelings, ppl think their openness can be taken advantage of but they see your motives and Know What You’re Trying To Do

tundra: flawless eyebrows, wears lots of dark colors, thick skin, intense as hell but it’s cool, eyes that stare into your fricken soul, seems emotionally unavailable but actually secretly loves a lot of people and is scared of losing them but will never show it

lake: iced tea, lives at chipotle, hands and feet are always cold, completely screwed up spotify algorithm, hates days when they can’t see the sun, loves spring/summer, really just wants to Calm Down, niche humor, has been saying they’re dead inside since 2014

T o t a l l y a g r e e .

Our ciel is my hero and I just thought that I should say that

Folklore Reactions

going to do this in sections, so this is just tracks 1-5. I still know nothing! (well, and also everything.) But I wanted to capture some of my initial feelings. :) 

the 1: after several listens I understand so much more clearly what this song is doing and it ISN’T deeply sad, like I first thought. there’s a lightness to it. it’s a song about looking back at something nostalgically and being a little apologetic for doing that. “in my defense I have none for never leaving well enough alone/for digging up the grave another time.” she’s shaking her head at herself, acknowledging that she can’t help being this way, being so retrospective. the details are so fun and vivid. sunday matinees, bus stops, rosé flowing, but what i love about it so much is the main hook of the song. “it would’ve been fun, if you would’ve been the 1.” because it doesn’t matter how long it’s been, it doesn’t matter that this song isn’t a deeply personal one for taylor in that it’s not about her (and i don’t think it is, i think it’s a perspective one), taylor will always muse on whether something that didn’t last could have lasted and will always quietly, gently, in a third person way wish that it could have lasted. the ache in her voice when she sings “if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.” this non-breakup song has more pathos in it than most artists’ actual breakup tracks. AND IT’S ALSO A BOP????? I CAN’T. 

cardigan: oh man, i can’t say anything coherent about it yet. this song is so big and so layered. i will say that the way that this, august, and betty have these HUGE intertwining bridges—- is everything to me. the whole heart of the song is about what betty kNEW and the way the bridge is just images stacked on images, moments stacked on moments, all the things she knew. and there really was so so so so much that she kNEW. and that knowledge couldn’t save her from heartbreak. because she wANTED to be someone’s favorite. a lot of knowledge when you’re young isn’t the same thing as wisdom and it can be its own heavy gift because you can’t make all the rest of you grow up to match that knowledge. you’re still just a kid, too. she saw how it would all unfold and fell anyway BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE CHOSEN AND LOVED. THIS SONG. 

the last great american dynasty: this was my breakthrough song!!!!! the one on first listen that makes me feel like I can breathe and that I can sort of process. :) I grinned SO WIDE the second I heard her sing “Rebekah rode up on the afternoon train.” It’s perfect, utterly perfect, every word hits a beat and every word tells a story. bitch-pack friends!!!! filled the pool with champagne !!!!! boys and the ballet!!!! the bridge is beyond delightful. THE CHILLS I FELT WHEN SHE SANG “and then it was bought by me.” a song about taylor’s rhode island mansion is not what I expected or thought I wanted but it is exactly what this album and I needed. It’s both a processing song for Taylor personally and the parts of her reputation that her RI mansion helped create but it’s also about STORYTELLING, about making a legend out of the woman who lived there before, sharing her story with the world and tying her past to Rebekah’s and in doing so immortalizing both. i’m obsessed. 

exile: this is a stunning collab, her best yet I think. his voice is deep enough that it holds up next to Taylor’s–which often ends up being more expressive than her duet partners. They feel like true partners as vocalists and storytellers; the story is equally theirs. Love the big sound, love the crosstalk, love the pain amplified in this big, big sound. “holding all this love out here in the hall” >>>>>> KILL ME. this was also a breakthrough song. it’s fairly straightforward but that doesn’t lessen its power.

my tears ricochet: oKAY so the biggest magic about this song !!!! to me!!!! is the fact that the thing that seems to work LEAST, that feels like it might be the weakest link in an otherwise stunning and layered and metaphor-driven song is actually the thing that ties it together!!!!!! and YES. BY THAT I MEAN THE TITLE. !!!!!!! it wasn’t until she sung the titular phrase that it all snapped into place for me. this is a SHARED grief, a shared bitterness, a union even in the separation in the sense that they both are hurting. (anywhere i want just not home//you would still miss me in your bones) the phrase my tears ricochet captures that perfectly, it IS the thesis, because they are not only her tears but they come from her. they strike him and then return again. the way she sings it too. the truth, the almost-acceptance? the ache, the sadness, but mostly the plain, matter-of-fact TRUTH and the lowness, the lowest of lows in terms of her register, that really drives it home. look at how my tears ricochet. what feels like it could be melodrama becomes reality in those three words. it is a perfect track 5.